Thursday, December 4, 2008

I Predict a Riot - Week 14 in the NFL (Thursday Night Football Edition)

ARE YOU NOT AFRAID? YOU WILL BE… YOU WILL BE

Wait, what’s happening? Noooooooo…

SANCTUARY!! … That’s not it?

PARLEY!!... No?

PROROGUE!! A-ha! I knew it was something like that.


Oakland @ San Diego – I swear this game better be high scoring to be even remotely watchable. And I mean high scoring – like 76-68. But who are we kidding, you and I? It’s going to be 12-10. At the very least there better be a brawl, or better yet - a stabbing:

Winner: San Diego

Jacksonville @ Chicago – It’s like a Sufjan Stevens album up in here. (runaway leader for “Obscure Musical Reference of the Year)

Winner: Chicago

Houston @ Green Bay – Well it’ll probably be another 15 years before Houston is on Monday Night again. In other news, I’m going rogue in my fantasy league this week by starting the Green Bay defence, who have given it up more than Jamie Lynn Spears over the past two weeks. I own the Pittsburgh defence, who are playing against Tony Romo and Terrell Owens – so they are just going to be cancelling each other out. So I’m taking the plunge with Dallas getting past the Pittsburgh D – I’m already convinced I’ve made the wrong decision.
Winner: Green Bay

Atlanta @ New Orleans – A fantasy player’s dream matchup: Brees, Bush, Colston, Moore, Ryan, White, Turner. And no defence anywhere in sight! As an aside, I hate that Microsoft Word tells me I’m spelling defence incorrectly – when in fact I’m spelling it much more correctly.
Winner: Atlanta (but of course it will probably be New Orleans)

Cleveland @ Tennessee – I’ve got new sitcom pitch for you. Picture this: The leader of country of, let’s say about 30 million people, is having a rough week. Nobody seems to like him; all the bullies at work are ganging up on him and trying to get him fired. All he wants more than anything in the world is for everybody to SIT STILL AND DO EXACTLY AS HE SAYS! Just when he’s about to give in, he’s visited by a mysterious ghost in the middle of the night. The ghost tells him that must not give up, that he is destined for great things – that he is a robot with magical powers. The next morning when he wakes up, he thinks the ghost was only a dream – but he soon realizes he has no human emotions and does have magical powers. HE CAN MAKE TIME STOP FOR 6 WEEKS AND BECOME INVISIBLE! Problem solved and hilarity ensues. It’s Yes, Prime Minister meets Out of This World meets Transformers.

Winner: Tennessee

Philadelphia @ NY Giants – Yes, Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg whilst trying to unload his handgun in a nightclub – but that’s not the strange part of the story. The part I can’t get my head around is, he was wearing sweatpants? Really? At the club? Is this the new thing – hobo chique is actually chique? Dressing like George Costanza is now the thing to do I guess.
Winner: New York

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis – The Colts don’t score a touchdown last week, Peyton Manning throws two picks and then still win? It’s just as I have foreseen it – someone get a couple buckets of goat’s blood.

Now that’s telekinesis Kyle!

Winner: Indianapolis

Minnesota @ Detroit – Looks like the Williams Sister have been spared from the heavy hand of the NFL in their “banned substance” case for at least another week. A little common sense here by the League wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It’s obvious just by looking at Pat Williams that the only thing he’s ever injected into his body is turkey gravy.

Winner: Minnesota

Miami @ “Buffalo” – Hey – it’s the first ever NFL regular season game in Canada!! Can you afford $300 for a ticket? No… well, please go away and be poor somewhere else. We’d rather not sell the game out than let the plebs in. It’s a shame Ted Rogers didn’t live to see this, actually… … in the spirit of not speaking ill about the recently deceased, I’m not going to finish that sentence.
Winner: Miami

NY Jets @ San Francisco – If you wear a Santa Hat in public you should be stripped of your citizenship to whatever country would have you in the first place, have your passport and assets seized and be forced to walk the Earth forever like Kwai Chang Cain. I’m serious.

Winner: New York

Kansas City @ Denver - Can Kansas City win both games against Denver this season and hold the tie-breaker over them when they finish tied for first in the division at the end of the season? In a word: No.
Winner: Denver

New England @ Seattle - This will be an inevitable New England route that overinflates their significance for another week. So instead of talking about that, I'd like to talk about how much I hate Deion Sanders. Truth be told I'm watching the NFL Network at the moment and it's Deion front and centre. He's running routes against a member of the US Army and getting in the soldiers face when he burns him on a fade route. Only we find out later they had to run the route about 4 times becase the soldier kept breaking up the pass. The best part, immediately after that segment the NFL Network went to commercial, and what was the first commercial for? You guessed it: the US Army. Man, I can't stand that guy. What ever happend to Lincoln Kennedy? Sigh.
Winner: New England

St. Louis @ Arizona – A win in this game and Arizona will clinch the NFC West, which is sort of like being the best ski jumper in Kenya I guess. Sure the title is nice, but really – there wasn’t a whole lot of competition. They will be one and done in the playoffs.
Winner: Arizona

Dallas @ Pittsburgh – A suspect day of games, for the most part is completely redeemed by the last three – starting with this one. For purely selfish reasons, I'm hoping the Dallas offence can outscore the Pittsburgh defence. For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure Warren Sapp just threatened to kill, skin and wear a polar bear.
Winner: Dallas

Washington @ Baltimore - A pretty nice little Sunday night game, no?
Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Carolina - There's a rising tide of people that are putting Tampa in the Super Bowl. Shoot me in the face.
Winner: Caronlina

3 comments:

Cooper said...

A jab at sweatpants and the people who wear them to the club and yet I was spared? Incredible.

Anonymous said...

Ever been to Sam's club? I think you Canadians refer to it as Walmart? If you don't have sweatpants on, you don't get in...
If you have the Husky sweats on with the dog paws on the arse, instant 20% off your purchase.

Check it out, you know it's true.

Excuse me, gotta go clubing. 30 Bud Light for 17.99. Honey, can you cinch up my draw string and help me with my holster..

B

Napoleon in Rags said...

Yes but Cooper, in Winnipeg sweatpants are high fashion.

And if there's a worse place than WalMart, I don't want to know about it.