The Patented Chris-Check

This week's (bi-monthly?, semi-annual?, randomly timed?) Chris-Check is a combination of its regular hockey theme, as well as the wonderful There's No Accounting For Taste column. As opposed to Trebor though, I try to watch and support scripted television, and rue the days my teste-less living mate stumbles upon the latest in trashy, reality television.

I was scrolling through the Max menu a few weeks ago, and the title M.V.P. on CBC caught my eye. I obviously took for granted that our Nation's Station was showing the classic, M.V.P.: Most Valuable Primate, and switched to this channel as quickly as my stubby fingers would allow. Low and behold, there was no hockey playing monkey to be found. I watched for 5 minutes and noticed there was no skateboarding monkey - this wasn't the far inferior sequel Most Vertical Primate either. In fact there were no actual chimpanzees to be seen anywhere.

I was disappointed, yet curious. I decided to wait for the theme and title. What I was watching was the new weekly original CBC series, MVP - The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives. What kind of name is that? What does MVP have to do with them? Am I a little dim and missing an obvious acronym? Which of these women won their Pee Wee Cupar Tournament C side championship MVP award and has the hat to prove it (do you still have that hat Mitch?)?

The title bugged me, but I decided to give it a chance. So what exactly were these hockeywives secretly doing you ask? The plot of this particular episode included the addition of the team's new coach. The team had just been through a slump, and he was there to make changes. Every player had to get interviewed to keep their jobs, and there were a lot of trade rumours going on. Most of the episode involved the wives dealing with what the press was saying, gossiping about who would leave, and trying to suck up to the coach's wife. According to the episode, the rule in pro hockey is that if your wife befriends the coach's wife you'll never get traded.

Never again will I clamour for NHL trade rumours after seeing how the gossip affects real lives. Some of these hockey wives were too upset to even shop. But these brave souls still got dressed up and put on a charity event anyway. Hair pulling and hijinks ensued, much to no one's amusement. All the debauchery was of course caught on tape by the media, since we all know about the Canadian paparazzi and their tenacity at finding the dirt on Marcus Nilson's girlfriend.

The most annoying of these women berated her goaltender husband for having a bad game, then hit him repeatedly when she found out he got traded. Poor guy... she wasn't even that hot. Not every girlfriend/wife is a bimbo though. The team captain is the "nice guy". His girlfriend is new to the club, and is the excuse for the show having one of the wives openly explain what is happening and how things work. She's nice, and supposed to be the normal girl-next-door type on the show.

Instead she comes across as an ugly cousin.

She is better looking though than the new rookie's girlfriend, who is actually supposed to be the young good looking chick all the wives are jealous of. Only on Canadian TV do they find a troll to play this part. This new 20 year old rookie apparently never had alcohol in junior, and gets taken out for his first night out drinking. Here he ends up cheating on his girlfriend. 75% of the team cheats while on the road. Not their fault though, they're hockey players. They're just having a good time - boys will be boys. It's part of the code that it's allowed. Some of the wives apparently know this and allow it. Other's are devastated when those damn paparazzi catch their husbands in the act.

Isn't that how Mike Ricci's third marriage failed?

If you can handle slow motion montages of hockey players walking through airports, grade D actress/models being catty, and sports cliches, as well as get past the fact that the visitors dressing room in Boston Gardens looks like a walk-in closet with lawn chairs, then this show may be for you.

I'll rent Air Bud: Most Valuable Pup instead.

The Patented Chris-Check

CH returns with The Patented Chris-Check to ease your hockey jones.

Spurred on by the allegations a few months ago of Sean Avery ridiculing Jason Blake’s cancer, I’ve decided to look in to the world of trash talk and come up with some guidelines on what is appropriate and what isn’t. Darcy-Tucker-character-defamation-theories aside (what better way to make someone look like the biggest ass in the world, than by claiming they ridiculed the big C?), more than likely Sean Avery did say what he was accused of. I, like all other fans, hate him. But one can’t argue with the results – Avery ended up with the GWG, got Tucker to take stupid penalties, and ultimately frazzled the Leafs and took their focus off of hockey.

An aside:

Without knowing him personally, and not being able to back this up, I have a theory: Toronto Maple Leaf forward Jason Blake is a jerk.

Yes, that Jason Blake. The one with a rare form of cancer who continues to play in the NHL. Bad things have been known to not only happen to good people. Avery is a jerk, but I find it extremely hard to believe anyone would call Blake out on this without being overly provoked. Then just a few weeks ago Downie gives Blake a reverse hammer-punch to the face, while he is being held by a linesman. Even for Downie, this seems a little extreme under the circumstances. Downie was somehow not kicked out of the game, yet there was no comeuppance whatsoever delivered by any of the Leafs. You’ve got to wonder when no one on the team comes to Blake’s aid under the circumstances. Perhaps they’re sick of backing him up.

End of aside.

How personal should trash talking be? If you’re going to go as far as Avery did, you would think it would be in a little more important of a situation than one of eighty-two regular season games.

No one can argue with the results of Materazzi using personal insults on Zidane in the 2006 World Cup final. If you knew badmouthing someone’s mother and sister would preserve a World Cup title, you’d say it too. Then again, without the benefit of hindsight, and not knowing Zidane would take the most ridiculously obvious red card I have ever seen, would you be able to say something that personally hurtful on the off-chance a fellow competitor won’t just simply brush it off? Probably not, but the line of appropriateness is obviously blurred in multi-million dollar professional sports. In professional sports I’d say playoff games of any kind put most rules out the window.

Unless it’s the race card, or knowledge of real issues with someone’s children - nothing is off limits. It’s a disservice to a city and your team’s fans if you withhold inside information that could gain an edge with your opponent.

Religion? If mentioning your teddy bear’s name is Mohammed gets the other team a red card, why not go there? Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be 40 to be a man. Victims of trash talk really need to suck it up for the sake of their team. If parking officers can take it, why can’t a professional athlete?

But where does this leave the average folk reading this column?

In rec sports and weekend warrior games, anything beyond mild ridicule to a team’s most aggressive and skilled players is probably going to be seen as too far. That’s not to say it shouldn’t be done. It is part of being competitive, and I daresay, one of the more enjoyable aspects of amateur sport – within limits.

First of all, it should be used as a reactive measure. Proactive trash talk in beer league isn’t going to make you any friends on the other team or your own. But if some smarmy dude is rubbing out players and being an ass, he’s fair game.

Secondly, at this level personal insults aren’t necessary. The best way to get into someone’s head is to comment on actions and stupid plays. Some old standby’s are people with bad haircuts, or commenting on the score board. If using the scoreboard, make sure you are at least somewhat responsible for your team’s good fortunes. No one likes an arrogant ankle skater.

Even more effective than these, is a mocking in front of others - even if it's not directly related to how someone looks or plays. People don’t like to get laughed at, even if it has nothing to do with their ability or personal lives. For example: Were your parents cousins who also sucked at baseball? The possibilities are endless, and are best left as spur of the moment.

I for one am intrigued by the art, and only wish that helmet mics in the NFL and CFL actually let us hear what is being said out on the field, instead of being used for witty team mate chit chat, and the noise of shoulder pad collisions. I bet soccer has by far the most personal trash talk, especially on the international stage where blind patriotism often gives a free pass to racism.

I could go on and on with this subject, but won’t until further inspired. If you’ve read up to this point, congratulations on making it through 850 words of drivel – loser.

The Patented Chris-Check

A desperate plea went up from the Sports As Life landscape this morning, searching for a brave soul to actually watch hockey. One man answered the call - longtime supporter CH. You've felt the sting of his patented Chris-Check on the ice, now you can feel it on a semi-irregular basis on Sports As Life. And a-way we go...


I'm here to rescue hockey from the brink of obscurity here at Sports As Life. Hopefully I can do for this blog what Gary Bettman was able to do for hockey in America in '93. One has to ask – if the editor of this site doesn’t watch hockey and is disenchanted with the NFL, what sports is he going to write about? Judging by the comment response of the American Gladiator post, perhaps that could become a weekly feature (shudder – yeah, I know I left 2 of the 15 comments and am equally part of the problem. I also read the Britney Spears gossip on the front page news of CBC.ca and CTV.ca, just like everyone else who complains about her being newsworthy. What’s it to you?). I for one still like hockey and the NHL. There’s a great scoring race happening right now and far more competitive teams than most leagues. My interest is also piqued when the Flames begin playing well, which has kept me happy since the beginning of December.

So what should you expect from this quasi-regular column?

Any updates and hard hockey news can be found on TSN or Sportsnet for 49 minutes out of every hour, beginning at 5am, right on through until noon, so I won’t waste your time with that. I’ll try to write about the stories and opinions that don’t have a voice – like the proliferation of trash talk in the game (What’s acceptable to get an edge? Tips and how-to-guide from a self professed successful amateur), why goonery still has a place in the greatest of all games, or why the Leafs should be removed from the league for 5 years so everyone across Canada can see other teams play and jump ships. Oh yeah, and I’ll fully admit that you will see very Flames biased commentary.

Talk to you soon,

Don’t forget to get your tickets for the Regina Pats/Moose Jaw Warriors alumni game in February. Theoren Fleury just signed up along with Stu Grimson. $10 a ticket – how can you beat that.