Friday, November 28, 2008

I Predict a Riot - Week 13 in the NFL (Thursday Night Football Edition) - But It's Actually Friday

Yes I know it’s a day late and three games have already been played, but suck it – you don’t pay for this stuff. Truth be told, I wasn’t even going to do The Riot this week – but in honour of the new, mediocre Killers album I decided to do a mediocre edition of I Predict a Riot. And how that differs from every other edition of it, I have no idea. But here's what I think is the best song off the disc, submitted for your approval.

Before we get to the actual football, you know what sucks? American Thanksgiving, that’s what. There’s football and mass amounts of artery-clogging food – and I don’t get any of it. But the worst part is, the website’s I rely on to get me through the day aren’t updated as everybody is off for the holiday. That really sticks in my craw.

The only bonus of American Thanksgiving is emailing your friends at work to tell them how badly you’re crushing them in Fantasy Football, when it’s only halftime of the first game.

Tennessee @ Detroit – There are lot’s of bad teams in the NFL this season, but the Lions are easily the worst – and it’s not even close. But they’re not the type of bad that’s only a piece or two from being a mediocre team – the Lions are comically bad. I was following this game on Game Center while sitting at my desk (shhhhhhh!), and the Lions had one of the funniest possessions I’ve ever seen. They had a 3rd and let’s say 4 from their own 20 or so. Before the 3rd down play they take a time out to talk it over – fine. Then coming out of the timeout, they take a penalty for delay of game because the play clock ran out. If there’s a list of stupid penalties you can take, a delay of game coming out of a timeout is close to the top of the list. By the time they actually got around to running the third down play, of course they didn’t convert it. Then to top off the possession and make it one of my favorite of all time – on 4th down the Detroit punter laid into one for a walloping 13 yards! Man, you just can’t make this stuff up.
Winner: Tennessee

Seattle @ Dallas – Well the second blowout of the day was about as predictable as the first – and by about as, I mean it was. It’s nice to see Tony Romo back, leading the league in smiles. Without fail, every year I end up with one or two Cowboys playing important roles on my Fantasy team – which means that I’m forced into cheering for them. Then as I’m inevitably eliminated from playoff contention I slowly remember that I can’t stand the Cowboys, and root against them with every fibre of my being. This year however, I’m still in contention late in the season - so it’s Go Cowboys Go. Yes, this is what it feels like to sell out.
Winner: Dallas

Arizona @ Philadelphia – That was certainly a thrashing, wasn’t it? Sure the first two games of the day were always destined to be blow-outs. But this game was supposed to be competitive and redeem an otherwise lop-sided day of football. That was a total face-smashing that Philly laid on Arizona. The Cardinals are going to win the NFC West but they surely won’t win a playoff game if they have to play a team from the East or South - it’s just a totally different class of competition.
Winner: Philadelphia

San Francisco @ Buffalo – So, Whistling Dixie in my office is at it again – it's getting to the point that if I hear another bar of the Nutcracker shrilly whistled at piercing volumes, I’m going to be summarily dismissed for performing my own version of the Nutcracker. It’ll look something like this:

Winner: Buffalo

Baltimore @ Cincinnati - Wow, looking down the list of games I have yet to write anything for I'm noticing that there are a lot of great games this weekend. This may not be a great game, but it might be better than you think. Cincinnati was mostly competitive against Pittsburgh last week and might do alright against Baltimore. Oh, who am I kidding - Baltimore is probably going to role.
Winner: Baltimore

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay - Ok New Orleans, I'm thinking about calling you again. I know we've been down this road before and you've done nothing but hurt me. But if you beat Tampa you might be hearing from me next week. I'm still in awe of that game they playing against Green Bay last week. Nothing would give me more joy than seeing Tampa get lit up like that.
Winner: New Orleans

NY Giants @ Washington - Oh, NFC East games - how I love you so. If you want to see 30-some guys trying to brutally beat the life out of one another - this is the game for you. I can't wait.
Winner: New York

Miami @ St. Louis - I'm a frequenter of blogs, I admit. And there's one phenomenon that has me just baffled - it's a commenter on a blog writing "first" on a blog post, when they are in fact the first comment. This is just the stupidest thing in the history of humanity - and yes, I'm taking this into consideration:

How could a person derive any sort of sense of accomplishment from this? I'm just truly baffled. It's little wonder that civilization is crumbling all around us. The only thing I enjoy about this stupidity is when someone writes "first" thinking they are, when in fact they're second or third. Oh the irony! People need to get out of the house more, methinks.
Winner: Miami

Indianapolis @ Cleveland - When Indy wins they're going to 8-4, you know that right? It's getting clearer and clearer that we're going to have to kill them like T-1000.

Thank goodness they ended up fighting the indestructible liquid-metal killbot in a smelting plant! Who knows what would have happened otherwise?
Winner: Indianapolis

Carolina @ Green Bay - I'd be very surprised if Jake Delhomme has the kind of success against Green Bay that Drew Brees did. Green Bay will be thoroughly pissed off and not wanting to get beat in front of their home fans.
Winner: Green Bay

Atlanta @ San Diego - Norv Turner's last stand must surely be coming soon. But every indication seems to be to the contrary. I'll never understand what ownership sees in some of these coaches.
Winner: Atlanta

Denver @ NY Jets – Luckily for you, good reader, we have sent two members of the Sports As Life field team going to this game. So instead of me making up mostly unfunny things to say about it in advance, we’re going to have a report from the game by TH and Trebor next week – contingent on no subways exploding. And since Trebor is in NYC, there will be no Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby this week - adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly.
Winner: NY Jets

Pittsburgh @ New England - Oh please, oh please, oh please Pittsburgh. I don't ask you for much. Consider this my Christmas present.
Winner: Pittsburgh

Kansas City @ Oakland - This week TH was giving me the gears about the lack of Oakland Raiders coverage - I told him he could stick it in his Black Hole.

But hey, what can I say? The Raiders dominated the Broncos last weekend and will probably do the same against the Chiefs this weekend. They've become a competent football team all of a sudden and they're defence is actually quite good. And the Chiefs? They suck - and likely won't win another game this year. And with the way Detroit is playing, the number 2 pick is best Kansas City can hope for. I can live with that. With the abundance of quarterbacks that should be in this year's draft anything in the top 5 should be solid. Let's just hope it doesn't turn into a Peyton Manning/Ryan Leaf situation.
Winner: Oakland

Chicago @ Minnesota - What's the deal with Canadian politics right now? Dealing with politics is always a lose-lose situation, but this is getting so ridiculous it needed to be mentioned. Could we possibly have our 3rd election in less than three years? Didn't I just vote like last week? Our tax dollars hard at work.
Winner: Minnesota
Loser: Canadians

Jacksonville @ Houston – Is this seriously the Monday Night Game? Didn’t the NFL institute the flex schedule to keep garbage like this from getting on the prime time airwaves? All the games with potential playoff implications and was have to watch Hurricane Rosenfels against David Garrard.
Winner: Houston

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

Ok I am back after a two week hiatus. The buffaloes were plentiful on the moon, however I contend that I was simply saving up precious energy that will be needed for the upcoming bowl schedule. If I am going to preview 40 + bowls games then I need time to rest before the storm. This is the final weekend of regular season play. Up next are conference finals and an orgy of bowls.

#19 Oregon (8-3) @ #17 Oregon St (8-3): It doesn’t look like much when you see who is playing but this could be the most important game in the history of college football. If Oregon St can pull out a victory against Oregon in this year's version of the Civil War then Oregon St. will win the Pac – 10 Championship. So what you ask?! Well that means that USC will not be eligible for the Rose Bowl which would be awesome. I hate USC more than hoboes. C’mon Oregon St.

Were You Aware of It? Oregon St head coach Mike Riley guided the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to Grey Cup victories in 1988 and 1990. And were you aware that the 1988 team was quarterbacked by non other than ESPN’s own Sean Salisbury.

Were you even aware of it?

Oregon St to win.

(Ed. Note - Two things, first it should be noted that Salisbury no longer works for ESPN. He was fired a few months ago. And second, since this game is known as the Civil War and to celebrate the release of Chinese Democracy I thought I should add this)

What's so civil about war anyway?

Virginia (5-6) @ V–Tech (7-4): The Commonwealth Cup is up for grabs once again in what is the 90th meeting between these interstate rivals.

Speaking of me and my apparent beet farm as mentioned by the editor earlier in the week, here’s an idea I had awhile back but kept tucked away in the deep fissures of my warped mind. It seems that the growing and selling of corn in southern Manitoba is a big business. I was thinking that I could get in on this profitable market by growing a large crop of corn and then selling it to the public at a chain of my own local corn stands called, wait for it……”The Corn Hole”, or “Corn Holed”. Patent Pending, Patent Pending Patent Pending! I am totally expecting this to be edited out so I am sure none of it will ever get read. (Ed. Note - Are you kidding? What are franchises going for? I want to be in on the ground floor!) Now who wants to give me their money and get in on the ground floor?

V-Tech in close one.

#2 Florida (10-1) @ #23 Florida St (8-3): This year marks the 53rd meeting between Florida and Florida St in the “Sunshine Showdown”. These two teams battle it out for the Jeb Bush Cup. It is Jeb isn’t it? Anyway, I can’t see Florida losing this game, or the SEC championship game against Alabama the week after - and then look for Florida to win the National Title. Needless to say I will take Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin and the Gators.

Here is some eye candy for those who only read the column to satisfy their own male curiosity.

Auburn (5-6) @ #1 Alabama (11-0): Aurburn and Alabama meet every year in what is known as the Iron Bowl. This year is 73rd meeting between these two hated rivals in which they compete for the Foy – ODK Sportsmanship Award

The most famous Iron Bowl took place in 1985 in which Alabama drove 65 yards with 57 seconds left to set up a 52 yard field goal

I can’t see this years game being as close as previous battles. Alabama wins with ease.

Mississippi St (4-7) @ #25 Ole Miss (7-4): This Friday marks the 105th time these two teams have met in what is known as the Egg Bowl. Note this game is on Friday not Saturday. Not that anyone cares but I am telling you anyway.

On completely unrelated matter I happened to hear about an upcoming sporting event taking place in Winnipeg this January which I am intrigued to go see. The WWE is making a stop here January 9th. Normally I wouldn’t give a damn - however, someone who I am sure we all loathed as kids is featured in the “Main Event”. I couldn’t tell you who the other 3 participants are in the featured tag team matchup are, however the one name that did stand out was that of Ted DiBiase. Yes the same Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. The man has got to be what 60, 70 years old? And apparently he is no longer “The Million Dollar Man”, but the “I’m Not to Proud for a Soup Kitchen Man”. Looks like Irwin R Shister ended up winning in the end.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Little Old Lady Got Mutilated Late Last Night, Posts With No Name Again

Cincinnati 10 @ Pittsburgh 27 – Make up your mind Willie Parker, either you’re hurt or you aren’t. And in the future, if at all possible, make up your mind BEFORE THE GAME STARTS.

Minnesota 30 @ Jacksonville 12 – Despite all odds, I think Jack Del Rio might be the next coach fired. Who would have thunk that before the season started? I’m still hoping it’ll be Herm Edwards though.
/crosses fingers

Buffalo 54 @ Kansas City 31 – Kansas City’s march towards historic futility continues. Team record for points surrendered? Check. On pace for lowest sack total in NFL history? Check. Prediction – they are going to get crushed in Oakland this weekend. That’s not even a reverse jinx, I think it’s going to happen.

New England 48 @ Miami 28 – Will this New England nightmare never end?

Chicago 27 @ St. Louis 3 – Apologies to Cooper for not posting his College Football picks this weekend. He did send them to me, however his beet farm has suddenly become profitable so he didn’t have much time this week. So here they are, better late than never:

Ole Miss over LSU
Utah over BYU
Texas Tech over Oklahoma
Ohio St over Michigan

and the Brown Bag of the week and maybe the Brown Bagger of all time....

Washington (0 - 10) over Washington State (1 -10).

I believe the winner just gets a giant dog turd for a rivalry trophy this year.
(ED. Note – Washington State won in overtime due to a missed field goal – somehow fitting)

San Francisco 22 @ Dallas 35 – I’m not totally convinced yet, I want to see Dallas do this against a team that isn’t San Francisco.

Philadelphia 7 @ Baltimore 36 – The score is 10-7 for Baltimore:

Andy Reid: Donovan, we need a spark – we’re going with Kevin for the rest of the game.

Approx. 15 seconds later, the score is 36-7 Baltimore

Andy Reid: What is the biggest size of pants you can buy? I wonder…

Houston 16 @ Cleveland 6 – As a consumer, nay, as a human being, is there a more spirit-crushing exercise than shopping at Costco? I don’t think so. In fact, I know there’s not. Firstly, there is never a time when Costco is not busy – I’m almost sure they put people on the payroll just to mill around the store and make it look full, like seat-fillers at the Academy Awards. Then, as if the people weren’t bad enough, you actually have to attempt to buy things there. And any trip to Costco costs you $80, it just does and there’s no way around it. It’s like a reverse cover charge, they let you in for free but you can’t get out until you spend 80 bucks. But you don’t get in for free, do you? No – because you have to be a member. Well la-de-da, what an exclusive club that is – it’s like Skull & Bones, only with more bulk meat. Adult video stores require memberships too (or so I’ve been told) – don’t feel so special now, do you Costco? Once you have finally rounded up your 40 pack of spray paint and your gross of toothpaste, you’re ready to pay. Well you’re ready to stand in line anyway. Once you finally get to the till, make sure you’ve got your membership card handy because you’ll need that or they won’t accept your money for their goods. Heaven forbid the guy checking your member card at the door serves any purpose, you need to see my card again? Then, when they’re finally ready to allow you the honour of paying… hey – hey, what is that? Are you trying to pay by major credit card? HA! American Express only chump! Oh I’m sorry, I thought this was 2008, should I pull out my Diner’s Card? When you’ve finally convinced the people at the checkout to accept your money, you think the misery has ended and you’re just happy to have escaped with your life and a part of your sanity intact – but you’re not done yet because you have to wait in line to get out of the store! And with this swipe of my marker you are now legally entitled to exit the premises! All hail Costco!

Tampa Bay 38 @ Detroit 20 – I really hope Tampa doesn’t make the playoffs, that John Gruden guy rubs me the wrong way. Fun fact: Detroit led 17-0 at one point in this game.

NY Jets 34 @ Tennessee 13 – Well I had the Jets to win, but never would I have thought they’d win by 21 - which is why I picked the tie on my ever useless ProLine ticket this weekend. Enjoy the donation Western Canadian Lottery Corporation!

Oakland 31 @ Denver 10 – As I was watching the scoreline in this game climb higher and higher for Oakland, I was totally dumbfounded. But as I thought about it more, it does make sense – Denver is the only team Kansas City managed to beat this year, so why should a home loss to Oakland be surprising?

Washington 20 @ Seattle 17 – It was a win, but I think it shows that Washington is finished in the playoff race. I know Seattle has a significant home field advantage, but playoff teams don’t beat Seattle by only 3 points. Of course the Giants got blown out by the Browns this season, so who the hell knows.

NY Giants 37 @ Arizona 29 – I don’t think this game was a close as the score might suggest, was it? To me, it just never seemed like the Giants were in danger of losing. Could you imagine an all New York Super Bowl? That city would be just insufferable… sorry, more insufferable.

Carolina 28 @ Atlanta 45 – Holy points this weekend Batman! Who says the NFL is boring? If I heard correctly, this weekend saw the most points scored in NFL history. Also, this game made the NFC South a whole lot more interesting.

Indianapolis 23 @ San Diego 20 – We’ve reached the point where nobody from the AFC West should be allowed in the playoffs – and I’m serious about that. There’s a very real possibility that not one of it’s four teams will be above .500 – if you don’t have a winning record, you shouldn’t be in the playoffs.

Green Bay 29 @ New Orleans 51 – So much for the “a good defence beats a good offence” adage. That was just an incredible offensive show New Orleans put on last night. And luckily for me, I’ve got Lance Moore on my fantasy team, and I found myself 12 points down going into last night’s game. At halftime, when Moore already had over 100 yards and 2 touchdowns, I sent an email to Cooper (who I was playing against this week) that read as follows:

SUBJECT: LANCE MOORE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Suffice it to say his reply has littered with an astounding assortment of four-letter words.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I Predict a Riot - Week 12 in the NFL (Thursday Night Football Edition)

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh - Fresh of their season-altering tie with Philadelphia, Cincinnati hopes to continue their torrid pace as they head into Pittsburgh. Seriously, a tie? I still can't get over it. But what I really can't get over is that the last tie in the NFL was 6 years ago. I remember that day vividly because the football pool I was in had an emergency meeting about what to do because of the tie - and it sure doesn't seem like 6 years ago.
/cries a little inside.
Winner: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia @ Baltimore - Has anyone told Donovan McNabb yet that games can end in ties? I certainly hope so, because OMG that would be sooo embarrassing if it happened two weeks in a row - LOL!
Winner: Baltimore

Chicago @ St Louis - I would like to see St. Louis fire two coaches this season. In fact, I would like to see Oakland and St. Louis fire two coaches each this season. I think that would be the only way to make either of their seasons worthwhile. Also, I understand Steven Jackson’s estrogen treatments are moving forward – and the change should be fully complete within a month.
Winner: Chicago

NY Jets @ Tennessee - In an off week in terms of marquee matchups, this becomes the game of the week. It's not as important to Tennessee as it is to the Jets and the Jets will be looking to show they're now for real. Which is why I'm going out on the limb...
Winner: New York

New England @ Miami - Hopefully the chip on Joey Porter's shoulder shows up for this game. I don't mind admitting that I'm glad he's relevant again - I've got a soft spot for that loudmouthed agitator, and I have no idea why. I'm hoping he eats up the New England offensive like so much clam chowder.
Winner: Miami

Houston @ Cleveland - I’ve discovered a new, sure-fire measure to determine success. How successful a person is can be determined by the size of their refrigerator. I swear this is true – the bigger the fridge, the more successful you are. Mine is built into the side of a second-hand Lay-Z-Boy, so do with that what you may. (I apologize, in my head that was 30% funnier and made 25% more sense – I’m a little light on good material this week, as you can probably tell.)
Winner: Cleveland

Tampa Bay @ Detroit - So what’s the deal with this new vampire movie? Apparently girls are in love with the books it’s based on and the books are incredibly popular. Why wasn’t it attractive 10 years ago to be a dark, nocturnal, anti-social loner, who didn’t like to go out in the sun – that would have really helped me out. Never fails.
Winner: Tampa Bay

Minnesota @ Jacksonville - You know what’s one of the funniest movie lines of all time (easily in the Top 5), “I've been dating too. Nice girl, she's an author. She wrote the book on male sexual dysfunction. You've probably read it.” Five Sports As Life Fun Points* to the first commenter that can name the movie.
Winner: Jacksonville
*Sports As Life Fun Points redeemable at any Sports As Life amusement park worldwide (excluding Quebec)

Buffalo @ Kansas City - Is this it? Is this the game Kansas City breaks through for that much sought after second win of the season? Buffalo seems ripe for the picking – although let’s face it, it’s Kansas City. They’ll go up 42-6 on Buffalo in the first quarter only to slowly squander the lead and then lose when they concede a last second safety while trying to run a flea-flicker from their own 2. Book it.
Winner: Buffalo

San Francisco @ Dallas - I think if Frank Gore scores a touchdown he should run to the star at mid-field. Of course it would be Coach Singletary that tackles him – but I think that might be fun all the same.
Winner: Dallas

Oakland @ Denver - What was the score last time these two teams met? I’m much too lazy to look it up, but I believe it was somewhere in the neighbourhood of 78-3 for Denver. I expect it to be closer this time, but not close enough.
Winner: Denver

Carolina @ Atlanta - Quietly Carolina is 8-2 and Jake Delhomme still refuses for throw for more than 100 yards in a game. Just goes to show, you can’t trust someone of partially mixed French ancestry.
Winner: Carolina

NY Giants @ Arizona - Now that I've thought about it some more, this might very well be the game of the week. Arizona's offensive line better keep Kurt Warner upright, cause this might be the week he gets that injury we've all been waiting for.
Winner: New York

Washington @ Seattle - Wait, Seattle is in Washington… how is Washington playing at Seattle? (Holy cow – I apologize again. I’ve got nothing this week, but that’s no excuse for lame attempts at humour like that. I think I need to hire and intern and farm some of this work out.)
Winner: Washington

Indianapolis @ San Diego - So San Diego is by far the biggest underachiever this season, and already management has come out and said Norv Turner’s job is safe for next season. I honestly can’t believe that. Did losing Shawne Merriman mean they’re suddenly no good anymore? If they end up going 6-10, I’ll be surprised if Norv is back on San Diego’s sideline looking befuddled as usual.
Winner: Indianapolis

Green Bay @ New Orleans - Green Bay will hope to break the virtual logjam of suckitude atop the NFC North… and that’s really all I have to say about that.
Winner: Green Bay

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Heart Stopped Pumping But My Nameless Post was Still Alive

NY Jets 34 @ New England 31 – So Matt Cassel wants to be paid Aaron Rodgers money? Well good luck with that chump – see how you do on a team that’s not led by Bill Belichick. Please not Kansas City, please not Kansas City…

Detroit 22 @ Carolina 31 – Dynamic Duo of the Week #1: DeAngelo Williams (120) and Jonathan Stewart (130) each rushed for over 100 yards in this game. That more a function of Detroit’s brutal defence than anything else – but man, that’s still impressive.

Oakland 15 @ Miami 17 – Ugh…

Philadelphia 13 @ Cincinnati 13 – Man, oh, man. If there’s a football equivalent to the Simpson’s Movie, this was it. Not nearly what you expected, generally disappointing and you’re just glad when it’s finally over.

Chicago 3 @ Green Bay 37 – Here’s a story for you… for some inexplicable reason, a guy that works in my office continually whistles and sings Sinatra’s “Strangers In the Night” – and not quietly either. He works down the hall from me and I hear him all time. And whatever, it is what it is – just another example of how everyone but me is unbearably annoying. The problem is that I’m madly in love with the movie Fletch (I may move to Massachusetts and marry it), in which Chevy Chase sings, “Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...” So now I’m walking around all day singing the parody version of the song. Yes, it’s quite a glamorous life I lead.

Baltimore 10 @ NY Giants 30 – Dynamic Duo of the Week #2(Feat: Derrick Ward): The Giants both literally and figuratively ran over the Ravens. I guess things change for Baltimore when they have to play a quality opponent.

Denver 24 @ Atlanta 20 – That’s a tough loss for Atlanta and it might sabotage their playoff hopes. But this season has been so much better than anyone’s expected that, unless Matt Ryan starts showing up for games wearing a fur coat made of puppies, it’ll be considered a great season.

New Orleans 30 @ Kansas City 20 – Did you know, over the past calendar year Kansas City is the worst team in football? Yes, even worse than Detroit. They’ve won one game – ONE – since November 4 of last year (Detroit’s won two). Another fun fact – Kansas City has 6 quarterback sacks this season – on pace to have the lowest number ever. Joey Porter has 13 ½ .

Houston 27 @ Indianapolis 33 – It’s happening, I know it is – it’s already started. This was the first in a series of events that leads to the Colts going 12-4. The next step is for SkyNet to become self-aware. Then a souless army of Manning killbots will endeavour to wipe the human race off the face of the Earth.

Minnesota 13 @ Tampa Bay 19 – If the computer I use at work had a face, I would smash it in with a rusted shovel.

Arizona 26 @ Seattle 20 – Dynamic Duo of the Week #3: Larry Fitzgerald (151) and Anquan Boldin (186) each had over 150 yards receiving. This has to make Kurt Warner the front-runner for the MVP – and makes Matt Leinart the front-runner for most ASU co-eds nailed.

St. Louis 16 @ San Francisco 35 – Do you ever have ridiculous thoughts pop into your head, and you think you must be the only person in the world who thinks of things like that? Welcome to my life. Here’s one I had this week: If I were operating the paper shredder at work and my tie were to become trapped in the shredder somehow, would I be able to MacGyver myself out of the tie before I was strangled? Of course, I know there’s a stop button on the shredder but I think I’d try to escape the noose of death, just to see if I could. It would be like reverse calf roping.

Tennessee 24 @ Jacksonville 14 – CBS’s Upset-o-meter was registering off the charts for at least the first half of this game. Big game for Tennessee next week against the Jets. I never thought, in a million years, I’d type those words in that order this season.

San Diego 10 @ Pittsburgh 11 – I’m genuinely worried that the NFL is losing it’s luster and might be in some trouble. The officiating situation this season has been abysmal (as evidenced by the refs stealing a touchdown from Pittsburgh at the end of this game – cost my fantasy team a crucial 6 points, and gamblers worldwide $64 million) and the way hitting is being legislated the players might as well just play flag football. The Commish needs to lay down the law in his own organization in a similar manner he does his players.

Dallas 14 @ Washington 10 – Apparently all it took for Dallas to get back on track was Tony Romo’s boyish good looks and million dollar smile. That gives me an idea for a sitcom – it’ll be Listen Up meets Gary Unmarried meets Alf.

Cleveland 29 @ Buffalo 27 – Wide right, eh? My oh my, how that must bring back memories for fans in Buffalo. Luckily for them, they won’t have a team much long to drive them crazy.

Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby

Ed. Note - Apologies to Trebor for posting this late. At least this way, you can read his predictions against what actually happened and then fire away at him in the comments.

Well I took some time off from fantasy predictions for awhile as in all 5 leagues I was trying to make trades and improve my team for the stretch. In a couple leagues people not responding in time meant the trade deadline passed, in 2 leagues it was prior to the Thursday night game, but oh well.

This post will be suicide, it’s not the best move sure to backfire but hey whatever. In the 5 leagues I’m in there’s only 1 that I’m not confident of winning and that’s the one that I had to autopick. In the, 2 yahoo’s and rtsports leagues I like the team I have and really like my chances.

In the I picked up Reggie Bush as my #3 rb… the first two are Westbrook and Thomas Jones. Though some weeks I’ll sit the wrong guy... with those 3 I’m pretty happy. Warner is qb and as long as he stays healthy and doesn’t start fumbling I should be good.

In the Sports As Life pool, Warner is at the helm… actually in the 4 leagues I’m doing good Warner is involved. I may not be in the top as far as matchup record goes, but the points for is what I look at. Any week your guys can underperform and you lose a game you shouldn’t but, the avg points per week is indicative, being 100 points above is an average of 10 points per week. So even if one of the 3 running backs… Westbrook, Jacobs, or Jones gets nothing, should still win. Now with Dallas Clark and the easy Indy schedule down the road, all the positions are solid.

In the Keeper league I’m 3rd and 2nd in points, though maybe it’s cockiness I think I have the best team. I got to the top with Addai sitting on the bench for the last while, Greg Jennings and Wayne not doing much and room hurt. I’m not sure about Jennings turning things around but Addai and Wayne in case you still haven’t looked…look at the Indy schedule down the road, in every league I was trying to get Indy players.

In the big 16 team league… my team will be tied to Westbrook. I’m 2nd in points and though there are some good teams out there I’m fairly confident I’ll be playing the last week. If Westbrook gets hurt though, I’m done for. I was trying to trade for buckhalter, the deal would have been Andre Johnson, Plaxico, Chester taylor for Boldin, Galloway and Buckhalter. If this guy had a decent #2 wr, then yeah this trade wouldn’t happen but Galloway is his #2 so the deal would make sense, and he was going to accept but he forgot about the deadline… that bastard. Oh in case your wondering why Chester and Buckhalter would be owned this league has 16 teams and you can start 3 rb’s so every starter and every backup is on someone’s roster. This can be fun and irritating, as it’s hard when an injury happens on your team but fun in the fact that this is an active league with 1-2 trades per week.

So heading into the second half of the season with playoffs starting in a couple of weeks, this has been one of the best years, but anything can change. Like yesterday instead of chanting Hennnnnnn-riiiiiiiii it was more like Henri, Henri, Henri.

It was kind of odd going to a game not really wanting to cheer for either team, but did get to see that drunk rider fans aren’t the only ones that act stupid. A guy with his wife and kid was kicked out cause he was throwing seeds, peanuts, beer… it looked like he was going to throw his shoe one time too. Great example. I also did see a guy after getting in a fight take on a cop at the c-train. A crowd eventually came about, but I’m sure I heard the zzzzz.zzzzz of a taser, which I could have seen that.

Anyway to the picks.

So Brady’s noy playing but I think this week Cassell will have a Brady like performance and should be a start. Thomas Jones though some might not like against a tough run defense should do fine. For sits... go with Coles and Ben-e-green even though he’s got td’s in the past 4 games… Sammy Morris is coming back and too many personnel back there.

On the other side.

No comment about this one. But with the game. #1 offense against the #32 defense seems like a pretty easy one and I’m sure it will be. For Seattle though Hasselbeck might be back and who knows he may open things up. Koren Robinson has a bit of a td streak going and in deep league I am starting him. Julius would be a sit as they will probably be playing from behind. Lastly did you see what Hightower did last week against the 49’ers. About the same as Edge, so maybe its more about the system and not the back, I would consider sitting Hightower.

From beauty to … To beauty again.

She in fact a beauty queen, Miss 2007 District of Columbia, and she’s dating Jason campbell. This is a tough game, Romo is back and what is going to happen in Dallas... nobody knows. I think Romo can be started as he’s done really well against the Skins in past meetings. The last time they met Barber had a ridculuos stat of only 10 rushes or something like that, I think he gets more involved in the game along with Felix. This could be a blowout game, Portis is likely not to play and Betts is hurt so then it’s… Shaun Alexander??? Santana has big games against the Cowboys so he’s worth a start but no other Redskin as with the running game in question Campbell cant be trusted this week.

I return to …

There’s so many picture of Carmella on the net it’s amazing, hard to find respectable ones though. But since I don’t just want to post pics of girls…

Which is it alsott or alstott ??

The Bucs get Minny this week and this could be a really boring game. I don’t thnk Earnest Graham will do anything this week, but Garcia is great for the Minny defense. He’s a mobile quarterback who will run to the sides, which is what you have to do against Minny, so Garcia could throw for over 300 yards today, on of the Williams’s could also sit on him and break him?? The Minny side, the only thing I heard about Adrain last week was about his violation of wearing a white skull cap and why he wasn’t penalized for taking his helmet off. This week he’s not going to make any news, TB will set up for the run and make gus the chimney sweep beat them. I might even go so far as saying Chester Taylor could put up more points, as he gets dump passes and will get a fair amount of receiving yards. For WR’s on Minny go with Berrian, he should have a bounce back game after alst week’s poor performance.

No pic but or much to say about anyone else, but I am glad that my deals fell through for LT, last week should have been a break out game, not sure what’s wrong but something is. This week against the Pitt Def… if you have to start don’t expect much from him.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Gang's All Here - A Sports As Life Group Post

Good day all, and welcome to the first (and hopefully not the last) Sports As Life group post. Upon stumbling across this story – about a couple of Raider players (one now former Raider) discussing the possibility of Michael Vick joining the Raiders after his release from federal prison - I asked the Sports As Life team to write a little something about how they would feel about Vick joining their team (for TH that just happens to be one and the same). So what follows are Trebor’s, my, and TH’s take on the subject (Cooper is busy hunting buffalo… on the moon).


The question put forth of whether I’d be in agreement with my team if they signed Vick to be their quarterback, and I think it is a fairly easy one: No. However, this is simply because I don’t think Vick is a very good QB, though arguments can be made if he had a receiver who could catch maybe he would have done alright. Whatever happened to Lelie and Jenkins? If however it’s put into broader terms of; If a guy convicted of dogfighting (and the rest of the charges laid against Vick) was signed by your team, would you support them and the answer there is: Yes.

The actuality of Vick being signed I believe is so low, not for being a half decent qb, but because of the public outcry… won’t someone think of the children? It’s suicide for any team to even come out and say they are thinking about it.

For those that know me, know that I’ve always had a dog or cat and pets will always be a part of my life. If someone said to me Vick should never see the light of day, or even more far out there, be given the needle - well me and my redneck ways wouldn’t be in argument of any tougher decision in this case. Dogs/cats for many are more than just things that piss on your lawn and scratch your furniture, they are best friends and company for many. What Vick was convicted of doing is unforgivable and I could never cheer for him in anyway (not even fantasy football).

Yet, I don’t get to make any rules about how harsh sentences are. I vote and can express my opinion but that’s not my call. One has to believe people of greater importance, more character, worldly views and smarter are making the right decisions on these matters. When someone is released from jail, either because the sentence is up or because of parole or good behaviour, do we not have to say "they’ve paid their price for the wrongs they’ve done".

If not, then what is the purpose of sending people to jail? Why not just put any person convicted of a serious crime to death. If people can’t change and can’t have a life after they’ve served their time then what is the point of it all?

If Vick is released and signed with my team, would I stop cheering for them, no. I may not like the decision, but he has every right to continue to play football and if there’s a team willing to take on the public then yes let him play. There are a few fans out their that I know of that can't stand decisions that are being made this year or for the past 10 years. Is vick being singed worse than dark days when the team wins 10 games in 5 season? I don’t know but right now I would say it would just be a black mark on the franchise but marks can be erased and forgotten about.

Napoleon in Rags

Would I want Michael Vick to join my football team?


And as far as I’m concerned that’s really all there is to it. I certainly don’t want him playing quarterback for my team. Yes, he is a dynamic playmaker – but he is a terrible quarterback. Unless he’s been playing in a prison league and lighting it up, Paul Crewe style.

So, would I want him playing some sort of hybrid/wildcat position on my team?


I’m a firm believe that people deserve second chances and that they should have the ability to pay their debt to society and move on with their lives. But I would like them moving on with someone else’s team, ok? (I’m also a firm believer in reserving the right to be a hypocrite)

There’s just something about the dogfighting charge that’s unforgivable to me – oh I know what it is, he was killing dogs. Not only making them fight to the death but killing those deemed unfit to fight other dogs. Making a defenseless animal fight to the death for enjoyment, sport and gambling is a despicable thing to do – and I don’t want to be associated with anyone who would willingly engage in such a thing. And I suspect there are a lot of other football fans out there who would agree with me.

But here’s the stupid thing – there are two players currently in the NFL who have directly or indirectly been involved in the killing of humans, and nobody really seems to mind that anymore. Leonard Little killed a woman while he was driving drunk and Ray Lewis may or may not have been around while two men were beaten and stabbed. You don’t hear that talked about much, do you? However, if Michael Vick were to come back to the league there would be mile-long lines of protesters.

Back to the topic at hand and would I still cheer for my team if Michael Vick were somehow to join it? I have to think the answer would be no. I don’t think I could, in good conscience, cheer for a team with Michael Vick on it (truth be told, I wouldn’t want to cheer for a team that employed Leonard Little either – luckily for me, my team on employs a degenerate woman-beater. The Kansas City Chiefs – catch the excitement!)

The only – and I mean only – thing I would be excited about if Vick were to join the Chiefs, would be getting a number 7 Ron Mexico jersey. Best. Alias. Ever.

Should Vick be reinstated to the NFL? Yes, he has a right to have a second chance – despite how deplorable I think his crime may have been. But that doesn’t mean I’m required to cheer for him or wish him success. But yes – he should join the Raiders…


This is going to be a hard little piece to write, because it specifically concerns my team – which at the best of times this year I am very embarrassed to admit that I cheer for. The Raiders are bad. No, that does not do their team justice, they are horrible. And they have done some questionable things the last 5 years or so (some would argue that the franchise has been build on questionable moves, but they are just jealous and don’t know nothing from nothing). They gathered an old team in order to make a run at the Super Bowl, but at the cost of being really bad in the subsequent years. Smart, I don’t think so, but others might argue that this is the way that sports are going these days.

The Raiders are in the process of rebuilding – often a term that is tossed around without any real substance, but in the case of the Raiders it is very true. The Raiders have gotten themselves a young QB and RB, TE(s) and O-line. On the offensive side of the ball all they need now is a few good young WR’s. Defensively they aren’t all that bad; they are just on the field way too long. They might need a bit more consistency in the coaching ranks, and they need to send Al away, perhaps to Saint Helena or Elba Island. But I have hope we can rebuild…yes we can. The next few years will be bleak, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Despite the embarrassment at my team’s performance this year, I had hope. And then…and then… and then… the editor sent me an article that I never wanted to see… EVER. Were my Raiders going to sink lower than ever… were my Raiders going to sell their soul to win now… were my Raiders going to betray me and my belief in them? Were my Raiders going to sign Mike Vick?

Lets get this out in the open now, I have never, repeat NEVER, been a fan of Michael Vick. I don’t think that he was a good QB (his career QB rating is 75.7). Yes he was exciting, and he won games, but I don’t think that a run first QB could ever lead his team to the big dance. This dislike of him started before he decided to forfeit his rights as a citizen by committing heinous crimes.

I am a pretty liberal minded person… I believe in second chances. Yes, that means that I believe that Vick deserves a second chance. He has served his debt to society, and he deserves to earn a living in his profession. It was hard to reconcile that belief and the despair that I feel that he has an outside chance to play for my team. This guy did horrible, terrible things, but he has served his time and I would hope that he would never do anything like that again. However, as I said before I don’t think that he would be a good fit in a rebuilding team, I think he would be a divisive force within the franchise and amongst the fans, and I think that he has forfeited his rights to play in the NFL (there are more football leagues out there than you would think, CFL, Indoor, USF, amongst others). He should be able to play, but not in the NFL and not on my team. Sounds very hypocritical doesn’t it? I can’t explain it any better than that… sorry.

So, to the most important question, what would I do if they signed him. I do not say this lightly…I WOULD RENOUNCE MY FAN-DOM TO THE OAKLAND RAIDERS. I would no longer associate myself with them, if I saw them walking down the street I would cross to the other side to avoid that awkward forced conversation, I would delete their name from my phone, and block them on the MSN. Some would say that those are the actions of a ‘fake-fan’, but I have two words for you “F**K YOU”.

Some people believe that the sayings of the Raiders are “Just Win”…right? Wrong, they are “Committed to Excellence” and the signing of Vick would be in direct opposition to that commitment. Don’t let me down any more Al and the Raiders, you have broken my heart a lot and I am willing to forgive – winning a handful of games in the last couple of years and putting a product on the field that could at best be called embarrassing – for that is what being a fan is all about. Cheer for them when they are losing, forgiving them when they put a bad product on the field and believing that they can make things better next time. But this is an act that I cannot forgive. This would be an act of a team that does not deserve me to support them, for being a fan is a give and take relationship. Never forget that.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I Predict a Riot - Week 11 in the NFL (Thursday Night Football Edition)

NY Jets @ New England – Oh good, someone on the Jets called the New England defence “old and slow”. I can’t think of any way that could possible backfire – not! The Patriots are fueled by disrespect – they make up new and clever ways for themselves to be disrespected. Tom Brady even intentionally hurt his knee just to give his team something to overcome this season – proving once again they are the greatest collection of men in the history of the world.
Winner: New England

Denver @ Atlanta – Whoooooooweeeee!! It’s the shootout down in Hotlanta! Pow Pow Pow Pow!

Get on board with Atlanta folks, seats are going fast and the train getting ready to leave the station.
Winner: Atlanta

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay – It’s the battle of slightly better than average potential division winners that don’t have a hope of winner a playoff game… only on FOX!
Winner: Tampa Bay

Baltimore @ NY Giants – This… this might be a great game – actually, you know what? Hopefully CBS shows the Oakland-Miami game and FOX shows the Detroit-Carolina game? Is it just me or does it seem like Oakland is on TV every other week? And I don’t even get that many channels. At least there isn’t another prime time Cleveland game this week. What?
Winner: New York

Oakland @ Miami – Have you ever wondered why dentists have such a high rate of suicide? I guess it’s because they are almost universally loathed, and I suppose that would wear on anyone. But I gotta say, I don’t hate my dentist – I hate my dental hygienist. I’m inclined to despise any profession that requires a blood sop and uses tools like “The Agonizer”, “The Gum Splitter” and “The Bone Saw.” I love it when they say, “You know, your gums wouldn’t bleed as much if you flossed a little more regularly.” Well you know what honey, when you’re gouging the soft tissue in my mouth it’s going to bleed whether or not I religiously put a piece of string between my teeth.
Winner: Miami

New Orleans @ Kansas City – Did you know, Kansas City is second in the NFL in turnover ratio at +9? I just found that out today and I thought it was staggering. This is why statistics are completely meaningless – Tennessee leads the NFL in turnover ratio at +10 and they’re undefeated at 9-0, Kansas City is second at +9 and they’re not exactly a front-runner at 1-8. It’s all balderdash – but you know what, I’m taking the plunge this week…
Winner: Kansas City

Detroit @ Carolina – Go ahead Jake, throw for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns this week – it’s alright. And go eat some gumbo while you’re at it.

Winner: Carolina

Philadelphia @ Cincinnati – A teaser win to keep Philadelphia relevant for one more week, before they fade into irrelevance once again. Games against Cincinnati and Detroit shouldn’t even be played anymore (say what you want, at least Kansas City can be competitive) – and to a lesser extent Oakland, Seattle and St. Louis. They’re basically gimme wins at this point. It’s like in your fantasy league where one owner inevitable gives up halfway through the season and stops making sure there’s a full roster every week.
Winner: Philadelphia

Chicago @ Green Bay – The bloom is a starting to fall off the Aaron Rodgers rose a little it seems. To be fair, he’s been injured and Green Bay’s running game seems to have disappeared. The NFC North is so boring, that’s really the best I could come up with.
Winner: Green Bay

Houston @ Indianapolis – Cripes the Colts are going 12-4 this year, aren’t they? I knew it, I knew it! Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in! Look at their schedule the rest of the way: Houston, @ San Diego, @ Cleveland, Cincinnati, Detroit, @ Jacksonville, and Tennessee. The only game on there that looks difficult is Tennessee but in Week 17 the Titans might not have anything to play for – so it might be the Vince Young shirts-optional show. The Colts are like John Travolta, every time you think they’re gone for good, they come back dressed in drag in movies about hair-care products. It’s time to go away now Barbarino – you too Peyton!
Winner: Indianapolis

St Louis @ San Francisco – I wonder if the surgery to remove Steven Jackson’s Y chromosome was successful. I hope so because that’s still a highly experimental procedure. In the old days they’d just give you the big snip and you’d be able to join the Vienna Boys Choir.

But now, with the move away from invasive surgery, they use radiation from a broken microwave and just zap that pesky chromosome right out of your body. Also, I think when you Google pictures of a boys choir your name goes on some sort of list.
Winner: San Francisco

Arizona @ Seattle – Know what sucks, the bye weeks are over and now there are 16 games a week. Great for football watchers, but slightly less great for marginally talented people who have to come up with something witty to say about garbage games like this.
Winner: Arizona

Tennessee @ Jacksonville – Do you like quarterbacks who write country songs? From the Tennessean:

Billy Ray Cyrus's alarm will go off at 3:30 this morning because he and daughter Miley will perform on Good Morning America from Sommet Center Plaza. He will debut "Back to Tennessee," the title track of his new album and a cornerstone of the upcoming Hannah Montana movie. "The song certainly lends itself to become a very quick anthem for Tennessee Titan fans," said Billy Ray, noting the team's 9-0 record. "It's all about being at home and being back to Tennessee. It feels like it's going to go hand-in-hand with where the Titans are."

He had a chance to pitch the song to Titans quarterback Kerry Collins, who, as it turns out, is also a songwriter. "I dabbled a little bit," Kerry said. "I met Ed Hilland Billy Lawson and we sat down and came up with a song. I think it's pretty good." The title is "It's Not Hard to Be Happy When I'm Looking at You," It's a perfect tune for him to croon to his receivers.

Has the reporter who wrote that ever seen a Titans’ game? A properly titled song about the Titans’ receivers would be called, “It’s Hard to Be Happy When I’m Looking at You.” Terry Bradshaw read this story and started drooling but it wasn’t out of jealousy – it’s mostly because that’s just what Terry Bradshaw does. Seriously, how is that man on TV? He doesn’t even know where he is or what sport he's talking about. He’s the white Emmitt Smith.
Winner: Tennessee

San Diego @ Pittsburgh – What the crap is wrong with San Diego? They’re like the New Orleans of the AFC, only San Diego wins the odd game. There’s no way a team with that much talent should be eeking out wins at home against Kansas City. Sure they’ll probably end up winning the AFC West but that’s nothing to brag about. I wouldn’t let my resume get too out of date Norv – you’re probably going to need it in a few months.
Winner: Pittsburgh

Dallas @ Washington – The greatest sideshow on turf is healthy and all back together again – just in time for a season-crippling loss on the road in Washington. And even though that would also cripple my fantasy team, I’m subconsciously rooting for it because I want to see an old-school T.O. explosion. Maybe he’d slap Wade Phillips in the stomach or something. That would be great.
Winner: Washington

Cleveland @ Buffalo – For the second week in a row we’ve got a real classic Monday Night Football matchup. Although last weeks game did turn out to be pretty good, save the total incompetence of Mike Martz (and people wonder why he didn’t get the head coach spot in San Francisco). In an unfortunate turn of events, the Buffalo defence is slightly stiffer than Denver’s so we’ll see if Mr. Quinn is actually the next big thing.
Winner: Buffalo

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

When There Are No Titles Left to Use, You Have to Give Your Post No Name

The alternate title for this one was going to be, "And All of That Time You Thought I Was Sad, I Was Trying to Give This Post a Name." It was a tough call.

Denver 34 @ Cleveland 30 - Despite his best efforts, Brady Quinn's first NFL win is still in the closet for another week.

New Orleans 20 @ Atlanta 34 - After weeks of fighting it, I'm on board with Atlanta. I think the Mike Vick fiasco left a bad taste in my mouth and I was wishing them ill but I'm over that. Plus, I'm starting to have a little man-crush on Matt Ryan. Speaking of Mike Vick, watch for a special Mike Vick feature later this week here on Sports As Life.

Tennessee 21 @ Chicago 14 - If you like watching one team with a total inability to run the ball, this was the game for you. Who knew that riding the arm of Kerry Collins was a recipe for success for Tennessee?

Jacksonville 38 @ Detroit 14 - It was a nice dream while it lasted. Oh Jacksonville, you had such a great opportunity - giving the league's two winless teams a win in back to back weeks. A chance like that comes around only once in a lifetime. At least people would have something to say about your team this year. This year's Jags team will be forgotten faster than t.A.T.u. That's right - and you thought you wiped that from your memory.

Baltimore 41 @ Houston 13 - How long has it been since the quarterbacks drafted in the first round weren't total flops? 4 years? I almost forgot that young quarterbacks could be good - I'm looking at you Alex Smith.

Seattle 19 @ Miami 21 - Who wants it less? C'mon.. who wants it less?

Green Bay 27 @ Minnesota 28 - Umm, was this the quietest 192 yards a player has ever rushed for? Maybe we're just so used to seeing this from Adrian Peterson that it's not a big deal anymore.

Buffalo 10 @ New England 20 - So this Buffalo thing is officially over eh? Well it was nice while it lasted. Having a non-competitive team will probably make it easier on the people of Buffalo when their team moves to Toronto.

St Louis 3 @ NY Jets 47 - There's a comedy bit that people used to think was funny. It went something like this, "You might be a redneck if..." Then the comedian would insert something that rednecks tend to do, and we'd be all like - "Hey, that's true - that is something a redneck would do. Hilarious, that guy should host a terrible TV game show." Anyway, I've got a new standard like that for the NFL, "You might be the worst team in the NFL if..." This week's installment is, "You might be the worst team in the NFL if you give up 47 points to the New York Jets."

Carolina 17 @ Oakland 6 - This was the worst game in the history of the NFL - trust me, I watched it. Hey Jake - why don't you go throw another interception you backwards, bayou born, inaccurate-throwing, cousin kissing, something or other. I lost my fantasy game by 0.20 points, is it obvious that I'm a little bitter about that?

Indianapolis 24 @ Pittsburgh 20 - The Colts are back, aren't they? I used to hate Peyton Manning, but then I took his side in the Colts/Patriots rivalry. Now I'm starting to feel those old feeling of ill will towards him again.

Kansas City 19 @ San Diego 20 - Sigh. Finding New and Innovative Ways to Lose, Part II: This week Kansas City missed an extra point in the second quarter, which meant that, when they scored at the end of the game to trail by 1, instead of simply kicking an extra point for the win they went for two. Well, I'm sure I don't have to tell you they weren't successful.

NY Giants 36 @ Philadelphia 31 - The Ghost of Andy Reid's Clock Management comes back to haunt the citizens of Philadelphia. The Clock Management Ghost is like the Ghost of Christmas Past, only it's got more drug dealing children.

San Francisco 24 @ Arizona 29 - I like that Mike Singletary might be for real as a head coach. Of course it's only a matter of time before the team starts to tune him out - but for now it's fun to see them being more competitive.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

So anyone else out there see the phenomenal game between Texas and Texas Tech last Saturday night? Anyone? Beuller, Beuller?

Well I honestly don’t have the steam to do this today but I said I would do it so here goes. I figure I better get cracking and get this done before I have to spend the weekend with the out-laws, I mean in-laws. And it will be a long, long weekend.

#3 Penn St (9-0) @ Iowa (5-4): Looks like the lack of any quality opponents this year will seriously hurt Penn State’s chances of not only getting to the BCS championship game, let alone win it all. Even if Penn State runs the table the rest of the way they have to hope for an Alabama or Texas Tech loss to help catapult them into the BCS game. This looks like the only viable weekend for both Alabama and Texas Tech to lose is this weekend.

I include this pick after I read an article about how 1 in every 4 men have a foot fetish. I assume there are 4 people who read this blog, so I will leave it up to you to discuss among yourselves who that person is out of the group. My money is on a Mr J. [redacted], I mean Jeff T.

I’ll take Penn St

Cincinnati (6-2) @ #20 West Virginia (6-2): I honestly have nothing to say about this game whatsoever. So I will just provide visual aide to guide your decision on who to pick for the win. The city and University of Cincinnati is well represented by the following buxom beauties.

For those of you who do not get these references don’t look here for explanation. You obviously don’t enjoy good sitcoms.

(Ed. Note - I promis you, that will be the only time Nick Lachey appears in this space)

I will take Cincinnati to win. To be honest I am only picking them to win so I can link to this

(Ed. Note - Best theme song ever or best theme song ever? Welcome Back Kotter might give it a run for it's money. Might.)

#22 Georgia Tech (7-2) @ #19 N. Carolina (6-2): Nothing to say about this game either. So in lue of commentary here is a tribute to the hobo we found dead on the tracks Monday.

In the big rock candy mountain you never change your socks
and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks
So your socks get good and stinky and you’re always good and drunk
It’s the bestest time that you ever had
You won’t miss your friends or your mom or your dad in the big rock candy mountain

In the big rock candy mountain there’s a hole that’s full of treats
And the rocks all taste like sugar drops and the dirt is nice and sweet
You can eat some as you work the mines to bring me precious gems
There’s a Hobo shed, and some paint made of lead
You know you’re done a paintin’ when you wake up dead in the big rock candy mountain

I love the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch, the breasts there grow on trees
And streams of bacon ranch dressing flow right up to your knees
There’s tumbleweeds of bacon and cheddar paves the streets
You get to Veg all day all the lotto tickets paid
There’s a king who wants you to have it your way at the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch.

Hmm sounds like a song for Hoboes to lure children, and my hope to get sponsorship by BK.

I’ll take North Carolina.

#8 Oklahoma St (8-1) @ #2 Texas Tech (9-0): Michael Crabtree was gracious enough to get into the endzone for the last second game winning TD last Saturday, thus netting me $310 on Pro-Line. In return I offer him a delicious recipe… I assume he is a big fan and avid reader of my column.

How to Cook Owls

1. Look into it’s eyes
2. Kill it
3. Remove the thing that makes it purr
4. Remove it’s clockwork innards
5. Rub it all over with myrtle and salt
6. Sacrifice 100 goats to Athena
7. Don’t discard the little bolus of mouse bones you find in it’s tummy – that’s a delicacy
8. Then cook as you would crows

I assume Michael Crabtree and Graham Harrell have been with all of them

And this one as well I assume after Texas Tech routs Oklahoma St.

And once again it is time for the Brown Bag Special of the week. This week we feature a WAC conference game. I believe that is a first for this column.

Hawaii (4-5) @ New Mexico State (3-5): My interest in this game can be summed up by with the following common folk remedy.

If you have eczema and you do not have a baby to put in your bath, make a salve of cat fur, candle wax, goose grease, boiled carrots, and cornmeal. Eat this, and then vomit into a sack. If you can get someone to open the sack, then theoretically they should catch your eczema and you should be cured.

I’ll take Hawaii in this one. And if they win you too should be cured of your horrible affliction with eczema.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I Predict a Riot - Week 10 in the NFL (Thursday Night Football Edition)

Denver @ Cleveland – Brady Quinn’s long-awaited coming out party is finally upon us. What? No, not coming out like that… I mean his first start as an NFL closet case quarterback. Too bad Cleveland's problems are largely defence-related. Luckily Denver has defence-related problems of their own. So Brady's first game might not be as overwhelming as it could have otherwise been.
Winner: Cleveland - not that there's anything wrong with that.

Tennessee @ Chicago - Who would have thought this had game of the week potential? If you like defence, you'll love this game. Of course the last time I said something like that Minnesota and Chicago put up 90 points - so take all this with a grain of salt. It seems to me that Tennessee's run is almost coming to an end. I'm going to give them one more week though.
Winner: Tennessee

New Orleans @ Atlanta - Whooooooo baby, this one could be a shootout and a fantasy owners dream. Unfortunately, this week I find myself playing against the marksman know as Drew Brees. One of my favorite city nicknames of all time? Hotlanta.
Winner: New Orleans

Buffalo @ New England - I defy you to watch this video and not tap your foot:

Winner: New England (and your eardrums)

Seattle @ Miami – Since there is nothing interesting to say about this game, let me tell you a little story. I recently started a new job and with this new job came a different computer on my desk. Initially I was excited – however, after about 15 minutes of work on this new computer I quickly realized this was the worst computer/network in the history of civilization. When you work on a computer all day, I assure you there is nothing more frustrating than when it loads slowly, doesn’t load, freezes, doesn’t send emails, doesn’t receive emails, and causes juvenile diabetes. Ok, I made that last one up – but if there were children in the vicinity of this machine it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if it gave them an incurable disease. Suffice it to say, most of my day is spent cursing at this useless piece of scrap metal and if this computer were a person I would crush it’s windpipe like heat-weakened tinfoil.
Winner: Miami

Jacksonville @ Detroit – What if, and now bear with me… what if Jacksonville were to lose this game? I think that would be one of the most underrated stories of the year. Here you have a preseason Super Bowl favorite that loses in back to back road games to winless teams. What a wonderful bit of happenstance that they are playing Cincinnati and Detroit in back to back weeks. Just when you think the football world is random and cruel, a situation like this comes along. And as if that wasn’t good enough – it’s the return of Daunte’s Inferno. You know what, I’m getting on the bandwagon.
Winner: Detroit

Baltimore @ Houston - I know many fantasy owners are busy cursing Willis McGahee for not bothering to run on the field last weekend - but has anybody seen Todd Heap lately? What happened to that guy - 2 or 3 years ago he was one of the best young tight ends in the game. Now, I don't know if they even give him a jersey anymore.
Winner: Baltimore

Green Bay @ Minnesota - When exactly does Gus Ferotte's deal with the devil expire? Anybody know?
Winner: Green Bay

St Louis @ NY Jets - Did you realize that the alien machines in War of the Worlds were defeated by lichen? That still makes me mad to this day - two and a half hours of Tom Cruise running through New Jersey and then the monsters are destroyed by cave moss? Give me a break. He probably had to wear lifts in that move so he'd be taller than Dakota Fanning. Forgive me, I just saw an ad for it being shown on TV.
Winner: NY Jets

Carolina @ Oakland – Sooooo.... DeAngelo Hall was a real bargain, eh Raider fans?
DeAngelo Hall’s 8 games: 8 million dollars
An owner with eternal life: 4,000 stem cells a day
Releasing your highest paid free agent 9 weeks into the season: priceless
Winner: Carolina

Kansas City @ San Diego - The march towards futility (and a top 3 draft pick) continues! Kansas City is steadily improving and by the end of the season they may be known for more than just ending the season of Tom Brady. Doubtful, but you never now. This is potentially a trap game for San Diego, although I don't know if a 3-5 team can have a trap game. Did you know: if Denver loses and Kansas City wins, they're only 2 games out of the division lead.
Winner: San Diego

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh - I can't wait to see Byron Leftwich try to rumble away from an onrushing Dwight Freeny. Is Freeny even playing, I can't keep track of all their injuries anymore. Same goes for Pittsburgh too I guess.
Winner: Pittsburgh

NY Giants @ Philadelphia - A nice, old-school, beat the life out of your opponent, NFC East battle.
Winner: New York

San Francisco @ Arizona – This is the Monday night game? When does the flex-scheduling start and why couldn’t it be applied to this game. Why wasn’t this an afternoon game – the type I like to nap through once the morning coffee has worn off, generally with chip crumbs all over my shirt. I guess if San Francisco can play a half-decent game, this game has the potential to entertaining at least – the outcome isn’t in doubt, but at least it could be entertaining. Luckily now that the time has changed I’ll probably be asleep before the game is over anyway.
Winner: Arizona

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Sports As Life NFL Mid-Season Review Election Night Spectacular

I obviously watch way too much TV because I know more than any person should about people like Jeanne Shaheen and John Sununu. Thankfully that will all be over after tonight.

But this week is also special because the NFL season is at it's halfway point - and that means I get to look back and see just how wrong I was about everything. I'm going to look at each division, because I just don't have the wherewith all to do each team.

NFC East
So much for that Super Bowl hangover, eh? I'm actually enjoying the Giants this season. Philly is hanging around sort of where I thought they would be but I will admit that I was totally wrong about Washington - they're actually a lot more competitive than I thought they'd be. I don't think they're going to be in the playoff picture but at least Zorn hasn't been a total catastrophe. And speaking of catastrophes, how 'bout them Cowboys? And how 'bout obvious segways? I'd be much more excited about the Cowboy implosion if my fantasy season wasn't tied to their fortunes.

NFC North
Before the season I said that Jon Kitna was the best quarterback in the NFC North - well, Kitna is now out for the season and that title probably goes to Aaron Rodgers. But then there's Kyle Orton - who would have thought he'd be as good as this? Not me, and I loves me some Captain Neckbeard. Confession time though - I was dead wrong about the Tarvarvis Jackson Experience. Sometimes you just have to take a chance - sometimes you're right, sometimes you're wrong. I was wrong.

NFC South
Wow, this division is a little bit surprising, isn't it? All four teams are reasonably competitive - it's like the bizarro AFC West. I'm surprised but not disappointed that Matt Ryan is making an impact in his first year. I do wish that Tampa Bay would go away though, I'm tired of them. And New Orleans... our relationship is well documented and I don't want to open old wounds again.

NFC West
When the Arizona Cardinals are the division's dominant team, it might be an off year. I'm excited to see Seattle in the tank this year, although that's mostly due to injuries it would seem. And after only two weeks of Mike Singletary the Head Coach, I have no idea how I got by without him.

AFC East
Our long nightmare ended early this year when Tom Brady went down in the first quarter of the season's first game. Of course, now we have to hear about those plucky Patriots that just won't go away. The four teams in this division could end up tied at the end of the year and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.

AFC North
Wow - it just took me a full 5 minutes to remember who even played in the AFC North - not a real endorsement of the strength of this division. Baltimore might just end up being the division winner. Pittsburgh probably has more talent but their offensive line is just abysmal. The other two teams aren't even worth mentioning - other than to say, I told you so (about Cleveland) - I told you so (about Cleveland)!

AFC South
Two months ago, if I'd told you Kerry Collins would be quarterbacking the Tennessee Titans by week 9 - how many wins would you say they'd have? 3? 4? Would you have said the Indianapolis Colts would be 4-4? I suppose this is why they play the game.

AFC West
It's entirely possible the winner of this division won't have a winning record. I suspect Denver and San Diego will be around .500 - but wow, this division has a chance to be historically bad. Oakland might be the first team in history to fire two coaches in one season (plus have a vampire for an owner). And Kansas City fans only wish we could get rid of our coach.

It Started Off as a Post With No Name, How Did it End Up Like This? How Did it End Up Like This?

NY Jets 26 @ Buffalo 17 – The Jets are like the smell that emanates from my kitchen drain pipes – every time I think it’s gone for good, it pops back up and ruins my day. Don’t look now but there’s a 3-way tie for the AFC East, and Miami’s only a game back.

Houston 21 @ Minnesota 28 – A Hurricane Rosenfels sighting! But even he wasn’t enough to bring down foundations of the Metrodome. Bridges however, he’s all over that:

Green Bay 16 @ Tennessee 19 – This is the type of game that gives the NFL a bad reputation to some. Low scoring, grind it out, beat the will to live out of your opponent football - but I love it. It’s better than watching 7 receivers running before the snap and then spreading out over 12 square miles of turf.

Arizona 34 @ St Louis 13 – Steven, when you say you’re healthy enough to play… play! Only 7 rushing attempts is not healthy enough to play. I hate you. Meanwhile, Arizona takes a stranglehold on their division and is actually a pretty impressive football team. Until Warner gets hurt that is.

Tampa Bay 30 @ Kansas City 27 – Kansas City: Finding New and Innovative ways to lose since 1993. This game was 21-3 for Kansas City in the 2nd quarter. Kansas City, it would seem, is improving – and I’d be lying if I said I was fully excited about that. I want to cheer for a competitive team, but they will never win anything with the current coach/GM combo. It’s a moral conundrum – I don’t want to cheer against my team, but I don’t want to cheer for the status quo either. I’ll shut up now.

Detroit 23 @ Chicago 27 – So close Detroit, so close. You’ll reach that unreachable dream eventually.

Baltimore 37 @ Cleveland 27 – It’s actually nice to see some rookie quarterbacks making an impact this year – both Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan. After the last few years of Alex Smith, JaMarcus Russell and Tavaris Jackson these two are a refreshing change.

Jacksonville 19 @ Cincinnati 21 – And a great cry went up from the banks of the mighty Ohio as the Cincy 11 finally knew the joy of victory. Say Fitzpatrick, their Irishman of a quarterback, “I went to Harvard, I deserve better than this.”

Miami 26 @ Denver 17 – So… 7 wins gets the AFC West? Chiefs and Raiders still mathematically alive with 3 combined wins.

Dallas 14 @ NY Giants 35 – The only thing more satisfying than watching the wheels come off in Big D, is the fact that I predicted this gong show before the season started. Hooray for me.

Philadelphia 26 @ Seattle 7 – Since I have nothing of any value to say about this game, I want to remind you why you love sports:

Atlanta 24 @ Oakland 0 – I mentioned Matt Ryan earlier, and speaking of quarterbacks – can you believe some of the garbage leading teams this season – Gus Ferotte, Brooks Bollinger, Brad Johnson, Seneca Wallace, JT O’Sullivan, Ryan Fitzpatrick. I realize most of those guys are only playing because of injury, but is it really so hard to find a backup with even a little talent?

New England 15 @ Indianapolis 18 – It’s looking like New England/Indianapolis is no longer a prime time matchup. They could have given this one an afternoon start and no one would have batted an eyelash. At least we don’t have to watch Cleveland 3 more times in prime time. What? (NOTE: Cleveland - now with 100% more Brady Quinn!)

Pittsburgh 23 @ Washington 6 – If you’re as sick of hearing about my fantasy team as I think you are, well… you’re probably pretty sick. But let me just say this – I love the Pittsburgh Steelers' defence as much as one man can love 11 other men. Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Everything going to plan I’m going to have a little mid-season review up sometime this week – and to all the fantasy people out there, don’t forget about the Thursday game this week!