Thursday, June 26, 2008

My Hovercraft is Full of Three-Down Football

Well since today is the start of the 2008 CFL season, I thought it would be appropriate to do the Roughrider season preview today. No, there will not be a repeat of last year's (moderately) popular prediction post - who has the time for such things?

However, it warrants mentioning that if the CFL season starts and no one sees it, did it still happen? Thank you very much SaskTel - I want my next bill to be pro-rated, to reflect the two days (and counting) my cable has not worked. Not that it's a big deal. I didn't really want to watch the Euro 2008 semi's, CFL games tonight or the NBA Draft anyway. If I'm a little testy you'll forgive me, I haven't seen a Simpsons episode in 56 hours.

Seriously, what did people do before television? Converse with one another? Have well-rounded inter-personal relationships? Read their evening newspaper by whale-oil lantern? Go outside? No thank you very much.

And while I'm complaining on the subject of things that bothering me, when did it become acceptable for fans to refer to a sports team as we? As in, "We really need a win tonight," or "we need a touchdown right here." No - they need a touchdown, you need to shove some more Dorito's into your noise hole.



Well, I digress. On to why you're here.

I must confess that the reason I didn't write anything the Roughriders for so long is that I honestly don't have much of an idea about this team - at least nothing that I could turn into anything funny, which is generally my number one concern.

Once the season gets going I'm sure I'll have a little more material to work with - maybe Matt Dominguez complains about the health care system again, maybe Scott Schultz wins a chicken wing eating contest, or maybe Luca Congi presides at a lesbian wedding. The possibilities are endless.

The only concrete idea I had going into this post was that I thought new Roughrider head coach Ken Miller looked like the Big Lebowski from, well, The Big Lebowski.

Which got me thinking that I would give both my kidneys to see this scene play out on the sidelines this year, with Marcus Crandell playing the role of The Dude and Ritchie Hall as Brandt.

Video NSFW, or at least turn your volume down.

"Marcus, the ********* plane has crashed into the mountain!" Seriously good times.

There is a big question on everyone's mind right now, and I know what it is - Do the Roughriders win the Grey Cup again?

If I had to guess I'd say they have a pretty good chance, somewhere around 1 in 8.

Well that's it for now - if my cable doesn't come back on soon, this is going to be the only sports I'll be watching in the near future:

Friday, June 6, 2008

The Sports As Life 2008 CFL Preview - The Godzilla Remix - Part 2

Good day, and welcome to Part 2 of the 2008 Sports As Life CFL Preview - The Godzilla Remix. As stated in Part 1 of the Preview, in trying to find an original way to preview the season we're using the motto of the city each of the CFL teams play in. Part 1 covered the East and now we're on to the West.

*Disclaimer: This preview contains no actual research and is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please, no wagering.*

Saskatchewan (Regina) - "Let Regina Flourish"
If you like conservative governments, skyrocketing housing prices and nurses so powerful they make the Roman Legions look like Girl Scouts, then welcome to Alberta Saskatchewan!

Yes Saskatchewan, home of the defending Grey Cup Champions - we haven't been able to say that since Michael Jackson was black - and no, ninja masks do not count. Saskatchewan is also home to the most unoriginal advertising campaigns (Welcome to the Green Mile brought to you by the Rider Nation) since I tried to market my own homemade McRib sandwiches out of the back of a van parked in a McDonald's parking lot. They were not pleased about that.

For the casual observer it seems the Roughriders are trying to apply the addition by subtraction philosophy this year. Gone are Kent Austin, Reggie Hunt, Kerry Joseph, Fred Perry and probably a few others. But as someone smarter than me once said, just because you know their name doesn't mean they're any good. I'm looking directly at you Jackie Mitchell... wherever you are.

Edmonton - "Industry, Intergrity, Progress"

I must say, I know less about the Eskimos than just about any other team in the league I reckon... and if you've read this far, you'll know the competition for that title is pretty tough.

I think that fat little French kid they hired as their coach a couple years ago is still hanging around... somehow. Nothing like ruining a streak of decades upon decades of consecutive playoff appearances.

Plus they acquired Fred Perry's gold teeth via trade in the offseason. So they got that going for them... which is nice.

Calgary - "Onward"

If you've ever met somebody from Calgary you'll know that motto is probably the most profound thing someone from Cowtown has ever come up with. Did you know that when children are behaving badly in Calgary their parents tell them the Deerfoot lives under their beds and will eat them if they don't behave?

This season I can only hope that the Stampeders continue the trend of signing the biggest NFL Draft bust they can possibly get their hands on. Last season it was the Akili Smith debacle - What? The accuracy problems that cost him an NFL career weren't suddenly remedied by only playing 3 downs? I'm shocked!

My shortlist of busts Calgary should sign this year would include David Klingler, Heath Schuler (although I believe he's an elected official in the U.S now - but that CFL money could probably lure him out of retirement) and Lawrence Phillips... oh, wait. But the guy I'd like to see more than anyone is Ki-Jana Carter. C'mon Hufnagel, he was a #1 pick for goodness sake!

Note: I was going to make an Andre Ware joke here but I forgot he was in the CFL many moons ago - and actually won a Grey Cup. Yes, he was the backup. To Doug Flutie.

B.C (Vancouver) - "By Sea, Land and Air We Prosper"

I think something got lost in translation there because as far as I knew B.C's motto was "By Leg Whips, Chop Blocks and Chokeholds We Prosper."

Since the Commissioner won't be troubling himself with negotiating with the NFL anymore, perhaps he might turn an eye to the punishment system in his own league. Or maybe not - players without fear of reprisal are sure to play within the rules at all times.

Ok, that does if the this year's CFL Preview - and I must say it was much easier than writing an NFL Preview, which I'm going to have to start this weekend if I want it to be done by September. Speaking of weekends, starting tomorrow I'll be out of the Sports As Life offices for a week - so don't expect any posts during that time. But don't worry, I'll be working on some things for the week I return.

Also, with the Stanley Cup wrapping up last night - and might I say, how sweet was it to see Fleury score on himself again to cost his team a championship - it meant the end of the Sports As Life NHL Pool Party. Yours truly could not hold on to the lead down the stretch and failed to go wire to wire for the victory. The winner was ShakeyJ. So congratulations you bastard - also belated congratulations to CH who took home the the March Madness Pool Part. Both will receive a Sports As Life T-Shirt of their choice. The next chance for you to win something will probably be in the fall with the start of the NFL season - which can only mean one thing, the start of Fantasy Football season!

That's it, have a good week - and do yourself a favour and watch some Euro 2008.

Monday, June 2, 2008

The Sports As Life 2008 CFL Preview - The Godzilla Remix - Part 1

Bet you thought you'd never see the day, did ya? The day when 'ol Sports As Life came crawling back to the CFL. Well, if you're looking for football right now it's either the CFL or Arena Football and the CFL won out... by a rouge. Three down football, here we come.

But the season hasn't started yet, how can we possibly have an intelligent discourse prior to one snap even being played, you might ask yourself? Well I would probably dispute our ability to have an intelligent discourse regarding the CFL even once the season starts - but that's neither here nor there.

What follows is what they call a season preview, wherein experts make guesses about the upcoming season based on past events and future predictions. However, where this is going to differ is that I am by no means an expert. Quite the opposite - my knowledge of the CFL is limited to only as far as my interest would take me over the last few seasons. Which is to say, not very far.

But I feel a James Earl-size jones for football, so here we find ourselves. I know it's frightening but don't worry, it'll only hurt for a moment...

As a (possibly?) original means of breaking down the 8 teams in the CFL, each of the cities the teams play in will be compared by what else than their city motto's. We're going to East to West, try to keep up.

*Disclaimer: This preview contains no actual research and is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please, no wagering.*

Montreal - "Well-being through harmony"
Now obviously that's translated from the original French. However, I refuse to acknowledge French as an actual language - unless what's being said is, "We surrender unconditionally" or "This cheese smells worse than my awful grandfather." Anything other than those two phrases should be considered as nothing more than gibberish.

As far as I know, the Montreal team is older and more tired than Don Cherry's shtick. The last I heard the team was also in open revolt against their head coach and general manager. If there is a combination that is a recipe for success it's tired veterans and an arrogant asshat for a coach.

The white flag should be up in Montreal in no time.

Toronto - "Diversity Our Strength"
And if by diversity you mean mediocrity, then yes - that seems about right. With the loss of Damon Allen, Toronto was forced to meet it's aging mobile quarterback who's lost a step quota. Enter Kerry Joseph. Enjoy the Kerry Joseph era Hogtowners - he's about as accurate as George W. Bush doing long division.

And that's about all I know about Toronto's team. I'm pretty sure that they're about as old as Montreal though. So old in fact, that Mike O'Shea was one of the Fathers of Confederation (hint - he's the fifth one in on the left).

Hamilton - "Together Aspire - Together Achieve"
Riiiiiight, well you can just tell yourself whatever you want then - I'll believe it when I see it. The only thing Hamilton is aspiring to is owning a hockey team.

I have two questions about Hamilton. First: Can we finally admit that Jesse Lumsden is injury prone and that it might end up being the defining characteristic of his career? Second: Did Casey Printers catch a disease that causes mediocrity while he was in Kansas City? Mediocre players are pretty common in KC - you never know.

Winnipeg - "One With the Strength of Many"
Clearly this is not a reference to Kevin Glenn's ulna. Oh snap!

I'd have more to say about Winnipeg but their back-up quarterback sucked out my soul with his eyes.

If any of your cattle turn up mutilated, you'll know who to contact the authorities about.

And this ends Part 1 of the 2008 CFL Preview. Stay tuned for Part 2, coming soon - or whenever I feel like writing it.