Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

It's becoming increasingly clear that there are only two ways this winter is ever going to end:

1) I find a groundhog and kill it
2) I find Andie McDowell and get her to fall in love with me

I'm not sure which of those appeals to me less. On one hand, I'd have to kill a mostly defenseless woodland creature. Plus I'd probably have to actually find the thing - which I imagine would involve tracking and trapping. And who am I, Mantracker? (I wish, sigh)

On the other hand, I'd have to seduce Andie McDowell - let's face it, she's be game. But I think I'd almost rather murder the defenseless overgrown squirrel, there'd be less biting and gnawing involved. Seriously, look at the picture - which one should be the Hollywood celebrity and which one should be felling trees in the forest? If push came to shove, you know she could bring down a mighty poplar in an afternoon.

What's my point? First, I need to stop watching Groundhog Day - it is not helping. Second, I'm losing my mind. If spring doesn't come soon I'm going to go completely off the rails. I feel like I haven't seen the sun in six years.

And since I have nothing better to write about, I'm going to fall back on the old standby of lazy and bored writers everywhere - lists!!

Today's list:

5 Great Songs You've Probably Never Heard (But Maybe You Have, What Do I Know?)

1. Low Man - Alberta Cross

If you're a fan of the TV show Californication (and you should be), you might recognize this song from near the end of episode 20.

2. Dirty Dishes - Deer Tick

Just go ahead and buy this song on iTunes - the video doesn't do it justice. The cymbal work in the studio version will alter your life.

3. Step Off the Map & Float - Library Voices

Regina's very own - live this Friday at the Exchange. I will be endeavouring to attend, you should too.

4. Favorite - Neko Case

I want to marry Neko Case's voice - not her, her voice. I want it to make me soup when I'm sick and tell me everything's going to be alright.

5. Space Travel is Boring - Sun Kil Moon

A cover of a Modest Mouse song. Knew she'd go crazy, but not that soon - that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

And in closing I'm proud to announce that Sports As Life is now so funny it will make your appendix explode! Hope you're feeling better.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

And You Already Know How This Will End

March Madness is now officially under way, and you already know how this will end:

- in a fit of rage

- in self-loathing

- in the realization that you're not as smart as you think you are

- worse, in the realization that you're exactly as smart as you know you are

- in solemn vows to never do this again

- in promises to stop taking things so seriously

- in sombre acceptance

- in busted brackets

- in tears

Monday, March 16, 2009

An Off the Cuff Offseason Presents: The Continuing Misadventures of Napoleon in Rags, Vol.2 - Just Hook It Up to My Veins!

To fill some space during the offseason I’m going to be running a series of stories about the “hilarious” mishaps that I am growing ever more accustomed to. My days are generally filled with fraudulent attempts at professionalism, lame attempts at humour and staggeringly transparent attempts to fit in with the normal humans. It’s mostly gaffes, apologies and dizzying social awkwardness – just ask anyone who has had the misfortune of being romantically linked to me. Don’t worry, not everything is 100% accurate or 100% hilarious. Here is today’s installment:

The Unadulterated Joy of NyQuil

You may have noticed that production around these parts has been a little slow lately. Alright, who are we kidding - you didn't notice.

Truth be told I've been a little under the weather lately with a nasty bout of Cotard's Syndrome. Nah, I'm just kidding - it was just a little touch of the hanta virus. Whatever it may have been, I was reminded of something I can't believe I forgot - NyQuil is awesome.

I'm not going to go off on some Dennis Leary rant (which wasn't really all that funny), all I'm saying is that if everybody in the world took one NyQuil Liquid Cap a day there would be no more war. I'm only 30% kidding about that. If every night you're dreaming about a rabbit with the body of a salamander (that is also you, somehow) fighting a galactic emperor in a gravel pit in an alternate dimension that is somehow also in the house your grandparents used to live in, chances are you're not going to be worrying about starting a war. Or maybe you're more likely, who knows?

To sum up my point, I love sleep. And the only thing I love more than sleep is anything that makes me sleep more.

I don't know what's in NyQuil. I'm pretty sure it's just a diluted form of whatever Bones gave Kirk to make him look dead when Kirk had to fight Spock because Spock needed to mate and went crazy and then Kirk stole his mate! That was something.

You know what I'm talking about.

I should say that Sports As Life does not endorse drug dependency, legal or otherwise - but you should definitely take NyQuil every day.

Alright, here you go:

Crank it up!!

Don't Forget - Lousy Smarch Madness On Now

That's right boys and girls, yesterday was Selection Sunday which means your productivity at work this week should be absolutely zero. And just to prove I do care, I've already got your work week planned out for you:

Monday: First draft of your bracket, as you ponder the existence of a school named Cleveland State.

Tuesday: Second crack at your bracket, as your wonder how Robert Morris and Stephen F. Austin made the tournament - those dudes must be awesome!

Wednesday: Finalize your bracket, even as you curse yourself for picking North Dakota State University over Kansas.

Thursday: Log on to's tournament website as soon as you get to work, so as to get in the hours long queue. Keep the volume down or off on your computer and try not to use up every drop of bandwidth your company uses. Curse your terrible picks.

Friday: File for unemployment.

With all that excitement in mind, make sure to sign up for the Sports As Life Lousy Smarch Madness pool. Here are the details again:

Log on to this site.

Sign yourself up with a fancy new username, or use your old, rusted one if you've been here before.

Click the Group Membership tab and join the group titled Sports As Life, the password is madness.

And as always, if you accidentally create a new group I will destroy you.

Sign up now! Good seats still available.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Lousy Smarch Madness

Does the unending winter have you down?

Do you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, "I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life"?

If you have to suffer through one more day of -40 temperatures, do you feel like you're going to go on a 6 province killing-spree?

What? No, me neither. Why do you ask?

Well, whatever your current level of sanity, here's something for you to do over the next 3 weeks: the 2009 Sports As Life March Madness Pool Party. For those who played last year, you know the deal. For those who didn't, simple follow this link and get yourself signed up:

Once you're all signed up, click the Group Membership tab and join the group called, Sports As Life. The password is: madness

And as usual, if you screw up and create a new group I will hunt you down and hurt you.

As of Sunday afternoon you'll be able to start entering your bracket and you'll have until Thursday morning to complete it.

Don't worry if you think your college basketball knowledge isn't up to par, it's a just for fun experience. And as usual, the winner will get some Sports As Life merchandise - so there's that.

Sign up now!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Sports As Life Podcast - From Rags to Rags, Episode 2

I know you've been waiting and waiting - and it's finally here, Episode 2 of From Rags to Rags.

In this episode Trebor stops by and we discuss NFL free agency and trades. For 52 minutes. Seriously, get comfortable and don't worry about finding something to do for the next hour.

Unfortunately, the Terrell Owens story broke about an hour after we'd finished taping, so we'll have to get Trebor's reaction to that.

As always you can also download the show directly from or get us directly from iTunes.

In the episode I said I'd put up a couple links, but I can't for the life of me remember what they were. But when I remember or someone reminds me what they are, I'll put them up. Update: Here's the link.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Yup, It's a Re-design

Yes, I decided to make a change to the layout around these parts. This new format gets a little more text on a line so it's not just one column of text down the whole page. Plus, I can get bigger pictures on the site now.

But let me know what you think. If it's terrible, please let me know. Or if the formatting is screwed up on your computer and things are getting cut off, please let me know.

The Curious Case of Collusion in Kansas City

First, let me say that I am in no way implying, insinuating, hinting, alluding, or nudge-nudge wink-winking that there was any actual collusion involved in Kansas City's weekend wheelings and dealings; because I have neither the proof nor the legal team to back up such an accusation.

I just think alliteration can be mildly humourous from time to time. Very mildly.

When you cheer for the Kansas City Chiefs, it's not often that your team is the talk of the NFL and mainstream media - unless it's something like, "Can you believe they actually won 2 games?" It's like cheering for St. Louis, except with fewer Super Bowl wins in the past 39 years.

But now Kansas City is in the spotlight for something positive, or at least positive at first glance. Or positive in theory. Or something. Sorry, I'm not really used to this sort of thing... pos-i-tive?

In any case, you may or may not have heard that the Kansas City Chiefs have acquired Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel from the New England Patriots for... a 2nd round pick. You are reading that correctly. Did I mention that Kansas City's GM worked for New England until about a month ago?

At first glance this seems like a total fleecing. The Chiefs are getting an 11 win quarterback and a Pro Bowl linebacker with 3 Super Bowl rings in exchange for a 2nd rounder. However, this is New England and Bill Belichick we're talking about - they don't get fleeced on anything.

First of all, Matt Cassel has played 15 meaningful football games since highschool - winning 11 of them last year with New England. Not to overstate my own athletic prowess, but I'm pretty sure that given the opportunity I could win 11 games for New England. I'm not ready just yet to label Cassell as a "system quarterback" but I'm not ready to herald him as the second coming of Len Dawson either. Is he going to be better than Tyler Thigpen for the Chiefs? Probably.

Secondly, Mike Vrabel will be 34 when the season starts and is clearly on the downside of his career. He's a pass rushing linebacker who had 4 sacks last year. He will provide a sorely needed lockeroom presence though.

Why am I immediately pointing out the flaws of these two players? Well, A) you obviously don't know me very well and B) the Chiefs didn't just get Tom Brady and Jerrod Mayo, they got a career backup and a 34-year old. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good deal for the Chiefs. I just don't think there were any shady dealings going on between the USS Scott Pioli and his former team, as some people on the Internets are claiming. There are reports that Denver and Tampa offered much, much more for Cassel but accepted Kansas City's lesser offer. From what I've read, those other offers just came to late - after a deal with KC was already done.

The best part of this deal for Kansas City fans might be the fact that Jay Cutler is pouting and Denver might be imploding before the season even starts.

There were plenty of other free agent signings and trades over the past few days, but I just don't have time to make fun of them all. With a little luck and a lot of schedule coordination we'll have another podcast up later this week or early next week discussing all the goings on the in the NFL.

Speaking of podcasts, we are now up and running on iTunes. If for some reason you'd like to listen to it on iTunes, simply access the iTunes Store and type From Rags to Rags into the search window and we're the first podcast listed. Then click Subscribe to download new episodes automatically.