32 Teams in 30-some Days: The St. Louis Rams

And that's it for the half-hearted previews this season, folks.

Tomorrow marks the start of the best season of the year... football season. However, expect no further updates this week as yours truly will be away this weekend. Enjoy the games.

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Seattle Seahawks

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The San Fransico 49ers

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Arizona Cardinals

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The New Orleans Saints

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Carolina Panthers

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Atlanta Falcons

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Minnesota Vikings

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Green Bay Packers

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Detroit Lions

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Chicago Bears

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Washington Redskins

Just snarky pictures from here on out, because you're probably as tired of reading them as I am of writing them.

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Philadelphia Eagles

Much has been made about the Eagles signing a recently freed from jail, potential trick-play fodder, back-up quarterback. Michael Vick hoopla aside, the Eagles did add some actual offensive talent in the offseason. They drafted Jeremy Maclin and LaSean McCoy. They traded for left tackle Jason Peters. They still have uber-talented but perpetual injury-report resident Brian Westbrook and are in the second year of the Desean Jackson era.

The defence lost their on-field leader in Brian Dawkins (free agent to Denver) and their off-field leader, defensive coordinator Jim Johnson (sadly passing away recently). So there is some question about how the defence will respond to the losses. Will they go out and win for Jim Johnson? Or will they be a rudderless mess? As with most things, the answer probably lies somewhere in between.

At least offensively, things seem to be going just a little too well for the Eagles heading into the season - and you know what that means... certain disaster. Donovan McNabb miraculously stayed healthy for an entire season last year, a feat not likely to be duplicated again. That would leave Vick, who is certainly no McNabb. And let's not forget that Andy Reid is still coaching the Eagles. This team just seems too poised to make the leap and that usually means they won't. If McNabb goes down the Eagles season will be over in less time than it took Norm MacDonald to destroy Courtney Thorne-Smith's career.

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The New York Giants

Because I can travel into the future (Note: Panama loses World War 5, but it's not the Panama you're thinking of) I have obtained the commentary transcript for the Giants' first regular season game and decided to reprint a portion of it. It reads as follows:

Play by play man: PlaxicoBurressPlaxicoBurress, PlaxicoBurress?

Colour man: PlaxicoBurress.

Play by play man: PlaxicoBurressPlaxicoBurressPlaxicoBurress!!

Colour man: Plaxico...Burress.

The Giants should be contending for the division this season. Eli Manning is the highest paid quarterback in the game. They have the best offensive line in the NFL. They rushed for 5 yards an attempt last year. Their defence should be imposing again, barring injury.

The one thing hindering them is their complete lack of wide receivers. Sure some people like Hakeem Nicks, but he's not going to fill the hole that Plaxico Burress left... in his leg.

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Dallas Cowboys

When their biggest storyline heading into the season is about their punt-obstructing video board, it makes one think the Cowboys might be in some trouble this season. Where's the flash? Where's the drama?

But maybe the Cowboys have finally learned the lesson that distractions from the actual playing of football don't usually help a team. So who knows, maybe this is the year the Cowboys actually get their act together.

There seems to be two schools of thought on Dallas this year. One is that this IS the year the Cowboys finally rid themselves of distraction, win the division and win a couple playoff games. What with T.O. gone and the fact that Tony Romo lost about 180 pounds in the offseason.

The school is that the Cowboys will be an OK team, probably around .500 - won't be terrible but won't set the world on fire either. I agree with this camp - especially since Roy Williams is out for the next few weeks and he's their only dangerous wide receiver.

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The San Diego Chargers

The San Diego Superchargers are in a unique position this year. They could sit every one of their starters for every divisional game this year and still go 6-0 in the division. I'm only like 35% joking about that - in fact, the more I think about, the less I think I'm joking about it. After more deliberation, I have decided that in all seriousness the Chargers could play their backups within the division and go 6-0.

I think this is a sound strategy because they are going to need all the help they can get come playoff time - that's coach Norv Turner's time to shine.

San Diego will likely be a top seed in the AFC or at least near the top... and then falter in the playoffs. A Norv Turner in powder blue is still a Norv Turner.

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Oakland Raiders

Ah yes, the Oakland Raaaaaaaaiders.

The only organization in the NFL that makes me feel better about Kansas City. Be it their organizational decay, their zombified owner, their criminal fan base or their coachs' fisticuffs - I've come to believe that Oakland only exists now to make other teams look better. They certainly don't exist to win games.

Boom, roasted.

All joking aside, some people who know things about football think the Raiders will be an improved team this year. But let's be frank, you and I - those people are idiots.

Ok, I lied about that whole "all joking aside" thing, just then. But seriously, is it possible that Oakland could be respectable teams this season? In a word - no.

It's pretty clear that in exchange for eternal life, albeit as a disfigured hobgoblin, Al Davis traded the fortunes of his franchise. As long as the sawdust continues to course through the surgical tubing under Al's skin, the Raiders will not be successful. Of course this raises the question, if Al Davis is the walking undead and has no need for a circulatory system why was the tubing used to carry the sawdust implanted at all? These are the questions that keep a person up at night.

In summation I would like to add - boo Oakland!

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Kansas City Chiefs

Hey - remember that youth movement that the Chiefs were focusing on last season? No? Don't worry, the teams doesn't either. Last year was a work-in-progress rebuilding season, in which the Chiefs finished 2-14 but were at least competitive and improving in the second half of the season. But now that's over, gone to scrap heap along with Carl Peterson and noted motivational speaker Herm Edwards.



In comes noted broad-shoulder haver, General Manager Scott Pioli and never-been-a-head-coach-before Todd Haley, who look to give Kansas City a fresh start. They brought in potential one-year-system-quarterback-wonder Matt Cassel to be the franchise quarterback. And that was fine, Kansas City hasn't had a quarterback in the last few seasons - I'm incredibly skeptical about Cassel's ability, but at least they're taking a shot. But then things started to get strange - the other players traded for and signed as free agents were as follows:

Mike Vrabel
Bobby Engram
Terrance Copper
Mike Goff
Zack Thomas
Mike Brown
Amani Toomer
Ashley Lelie

If the me from 2009 could communicate with the me from 2002 and the me from 2009 told the me from 2002 about who the Chiefs just signed, the me from 2002 would be over the moon. Also 2009 me would tell 2002 me that a degree in political science is virtually worthless and to pick another major... but I digress.

The me from 2009 is slightly less excited - in fact, not excited at all. More like curious about how this mad-science experiment will work. The only reliable pass-catcher the Chiefs had, Tony Gonzalez, is gone. Larry Johnson is still a head-case who may or may not want to play in Kansas City. The only reliable player on the offensive line, Brian Waters, is feuding with coaching and management.

And to address all the Chiefs' needs a group of scrap-heap veterans were brought in. Colour me skeptical.

Looking at the Chiefs' schedule, I see only two games they "should" win - Oakland at home and Cleveland at home. Everything else is a crap shoot. I hope I'm wrong, but I just don't see Kansas City winning more than 4 games this year.

/begins breathing into paper bag

32 Teams in 30-some Days: The Denver Broncos

I for one, am very excited about the Denver Broncos this season. I have a feeling they are going to be a train-wreck. They may make the Raiders look like a well-run organization. Of course, they'll probably still beat Kansas City twice but I will still laugh disdainfully at their hardship.

Sadly, I could not find the odds for which NFL coach will be fired first this season - despite visiting several gambling websites which will no doubt warrant a visit from the HR Department. Despite that, I think Denver's Josh McDaniels is the second-most likely to get fired this season (right behind Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio). This is the same Josh McDaniels who hasn't even coached a game for Denver yet. Let's take a look at the swath of destruction he's already cut through Denver.

1. Caused noted sulker Jay Cutler to begin sulking, after a failed run at New England's Matt Cassel.

2. Tried to strong-arm the Cutler situation, which worked out great... for the Chicago Bears.

3. Brought in the quarterback of the future - this guy.

4. At least in part, helped to alienate Brandon Marshall - who is still not happy in Denver and will likely be gone before the season.

That's a pretty significant legacy for a guy with a coaching record of 0-0-0.

Luckily for the Broncos though they still play in the AFC West - potentially the worst division in organized sport. If the NFL was Europe, the AFC West would be Bosnia: Getting better? Probably - but you still don't really want to go there. So playing against Kansas City and Oakland should give Denver twice each should give the Broncos at least the opportunity to win a couple games.

Truth be told, the Broncos could open the season 3-0, as they play at Cincinnati, Cleveland at home and at Oakland. However, after that they have just about the worst 9 week stretch I've ever seen and will likely be 3-8 when it's done. After the Oakland game, Denver plays:

Dallas
New England
at San Diego
bye
at Baltimore
Pittsburgh
at Washington
San Diego
New York Giants

Good luck with all that.