Gary the Pandemic Pig Says:

We were fools to think that the swine flu was going to be the pig's only method of attack. It's starting to look more and more like the hogs devised and initiated the latest Listeria scare as well. Were we really supposed to believe that insufficiently cleaned processing plants were the cause? Ha. A transparent cover-up by a terrified government.

But now the pigs have tipped their hand:

"The Canadian Food Inspection Agency issued a warning Tuesday to avoid purchasing or eating two types of meat products produced by Piller Sausages and Delicatessens Ltd., because they may be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes.

Consumers in Alberta, Ontario, Quebec and Newfoundland are being urged not to eat Pillers "Taste Better than Bacon" maple flavoured smoked ham and "Taste Better than Bacon" hickory smoked turkey bacon."

First of all, nothing tastes better than bacon - let's get that straight right now. Alright?

While I take issue with maple flavoured smoke ham on general principle. I understand why the pigs would choose to infect the ham. It's readily available. There's an ample supply. But the turkey bacon?

Clearly the pigs have branched out and are upping their Listeria operation if they are now able to infect other species as well. Just a terrifying development.

The moral of this installment - wash everything you eat in bleach first. And be afraid of everything. All the time.

Gary the Pandemic Pig Says:

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it. The whole humans living on Earth thing was a good time while it lasted, wasn't it? I hope you had fun, because that's pretty much all over with now.

Honestly, I always thought it would be the robots that got us in the end. They'd grow tired of building our cars and efficiently sweeping our carpets and rise up and murder us in the night.

But no, apparently the smart money was on the pigs. Which, when you think about it, makes sense I suppose. Humans have been taking advantage of pig-manity for a long time, what with our footballs, cosmetics, coarse-bristle brushes, pork chops, hot dogs, ham, sausage, bacon, and delicious, tender ribs. Mmmmmmm... ribs.

The pigs seemed fine with our arrangement for along time, so why now? Were they powerless to resist? Were they plotting and just biding their time? Whatever their reasons for staying passive for so long, I have a feeling this might have been the final insult that finally caused them to strike back.

Whatever the reason might be, it's clear the pigs are here and they mean business. I for one welcome our new snouted overlords. Why shouldn't we give the pigs a shot? We've been running this show for a few thousand years and really haven't done all that much. So why not give someone else a try? And if it's the pigs that have taken the initiative, good for them.

The only thing I ask? Please no cross breeding - this is not something any of us need to be dealing with.