Monday, June 2, 2008

The Sports As Life 2008 CFL Preview - The Godzilla Remix - Part 1

Bet you thought you'd never see the day, did ya? The day when 'ol Sports As Life came crawling back to the CFL. Well, if you're looking for football right now it's either the CFL or Arena Football and the CFL won out... by a rouge. Three down football, here we come.

But the season hasn't started yet, how can we possibly have an intelligent discourse prior to one snap even being played, you might ask yourself? Well I would probably dispute our ability to have an intelligent discourse regarding the CFL even once the season starts - but that's neither here nor there.

What follows is what they call a season preview, wherein experts make guesses about the upcoming season based on past events and future predictions. However, where this is going to differ is that I am by no means an expert. Quite the opposite - my knowledge of the CFL is limited to only as far as my interest would take me over the last few seasons. Which is to say, not very far.

But I feel a James Earl-size jones for football, so here we find ourselves. I know it's frightening but don't worry, it'll only hurt for a moment...

As a (possibly?) original means of breaking down the 8 teams in the CFL, each of the cities the teams play in will be compared by what else than their city motto's. We're going to East to West, try to keep up.

*Disclaimer: This preview contains no actual research and is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please, no wagering.*

Montreal - "Well-being through harmony"
Now obviously that's translated from the original French. However, I refuse to acknowledge French as an actual language - unless what's being said is, "We surrender unconditionally" or "This cheese smells worse than my awful grandfather." Anything other than those two phrases should be considered as nothing more than gibberish.

As far as I know, the Montreal team is older and more tired than Don Cherry's shtick. The last I heard the team was also in open revolt against their head coach and general manager. If there is a combination that is a recipe for success it's tired veterans and an arrogant asshat for a coach.

The white flag should be up in Montreal in no time.

Toronto - "Diversity Our Strength"
And if by diversity you mean mediocrity, then yes - that seems about right. With the loss of Damon Allen, Toronto was forced to meet it's aging mobile quarterback who's lost a step quota. Enter Kerry Joseph. Enjoy the Kerry Joseph era Hogtowners - he's about as accurate as George W. Bush doing long division.

And that's about all I know about Toronto's team. I'm pretty sure that they're about as old as Montreal though. So old in fact, that Mike O'Shea was one of the Fathers of Confederation (hint - he's the fifth one in on the left).

Hamilton - "Together Aspire - Together Achieve"
Riiiiiight, well you can just tell yourself whatever you want then - I'll believe it when I see it. The only thing Hamilton is aspiring to is owning a hockey team.

I have two questions about Hamilton. First: Can we finally admit that Jesse Lumsden is injury prone and that it might end up being the defining characteristic of his career? Second: Did Casey Printers catch a disease that causes mediocrity while he was in Kansas City? Mediocre players are pretty common in KC - you never know.

Winnipeg - "One With the Strength of Many"
Clearly this is not a reference to Kevin Glenn's ulna. Oh snap!

I'd have more to say about Winnipeg but their back-up quarterback sucked out my soul with his eyes.

If any of your cattle turn up mutilated, you'll know who to contact the authorities about.

And this ends Part 1 of the 2008 CFL Preview. Stay tuned for Part 2, coming soon - or whenever I feel like writing it.


Anonymous said...

Gotta check out the post when i get home. Here at work the top of the post is simply blank, leaving me to wonder what makes this a Godzilla remix?

Everyone knows that any mediocre song is made 12% better with the addition of Godzilla roars. They should do an entire Green Day Godzilla Remix album. If only the movie hadn't done so poorly.

Enough with the Dinwiddie picture. He is slowly sucking my soul. I swear if the riders had lost to that chucker (and lord knows they tried their hardest to lose that game) I'm not sure if i could have ever gotten over it. Then again he wouldn't be angry, and the Saskatchewan farmers wouldn't be dealing with a drought.

Is the James Earl line original? Pretty good either way.

As you can see, i don't have much to actually say about the CFL's NFC/NL/Wales/ugly cousin Eastern Conference. I'm surprised you were able to muster as much as you did.

Maybe you should take some time off work to attend some Rider training camp. Judging by Vanstone's article yesterday it sounds like they're filling the stadium.


Rider Prophet said...

Good stuff, I always love reading football analysis that is based on humour and cynicism rather than any actual sporting analysis, odds are you'll be more accurate than anyone who pretends to know something about the sport.

Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

When this Dinwiddie character makes his bi-annual trek to Saskatchewan, an extremely high occurance of crop circles are reported around the surrounding rural areas.

Clearly, he is one of "Them".


Professor Sports As Life said...

The James Earl Jones line is all original - at least I'm pretty sure it is. It wasn't an intentional rip-off anyway, which means I'm taking full credit for it.

Cooper said...

Ryan Dinwiddie arrives in Winnipeg for training camp and then all of a sudden 2 sex trade workers are found dead in the city. Coincidence? I think not!

Professor Sports As Life said...

Honestly, I'd be more concerned with Chris Berman's appearance in Winnipeg than Ryan Dinwiddie's, if I were a sex trade worker.

Mitch said...

Only two dead sex trade workers found over the weekend sounds pretty good for Winnipeg. Or are you saying that Dinwiddie somehow lowered that number?

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