NY Jets @ New England – Oh good, someone on the Jets called the New England defence “old and slow”. I can’t think of any way that could possible backfire – not! The Patriots are fueled by disrespect – they make up new and clever ways for themselves to be disrespected. Tom Brady even intentionally hurt his knee just to give his team something to overcome this season – proving once again they are the greatest collection of men in the history of the world.
Winner: New England
Denver @ Atlanta – Whoooooooweeeee!! It’s the shootout down in Hotlanta! Pow Pow Pow Pow!
Get on board with Atlanta folks, seats are going fast and the train getting ready to leave the station.
Minnesota @ Tampa Bay – It’s the battle of slightly better than average potential division winners that don’t have a hope of winner a playoff game… only on FOX!
Winner: Tampa Bay
Baltimore @ NY Giants – This… this might be a great game – actually, you know what? Hopefully CBS shows the Oakland-Miami game and FOX shows the Detroit-Carolina game? Is it just me or does it seem like Oakland is on TV every other week? And I don’t even get that many channels. At least there isn’t another prime time Cleveland game this week. What?
Winner: New York
Oakland @ Miami – Have you ever wondered why dentists have such a high rate of suicide? I guess it’s because they are almost universally loathed, and I suppose that would wear on anyone. But I gotta say, I don’t hate my dentist – I hate my dental hygienist. I’m inclined to despise any profession that requires a blood sop and uses tools like “The Agonizer”, “The Gum Splitter” and “The Bone Saw.” I love it when they say, “You know, your gums wouldn’t bleed as much if you flossed a little more regularly.” Well you know what honey, when you’re gouging the soft tissue in my mouth it’s going to bleed whether or not I religiously put a piece of string between my teeth.
New Orleans @ Kansas City – Did you know, Kansas City is second in the NFL in turnover ratio at +9? I just found that out today and I thought it was staggering. This is why statistics are completely meaningless – Tennessee leads the NFL in turnover ratio at +10 and they’re undefeated at 9-0, Kansas City is second at +9 and they’re not exactly a front-runner at 1-8. It’s all balderdash – but you know what, I’m taking the plunge this week…
Winner: Kansas City
Detroit @ Carolina – Go ahead Jake, throw for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns this week – it’s alright. And go eat some gumbo while you’re at it.
Philadelphia @ Cincinnati – A teaser win to keep Philadelphia relevant for one more week, before they fade into irrelevance once again. Games against Cincinnati and Detroit shouldn’t even be played anymore (say what you want, at least Kansas City can be competitive) – and to a lesser extent Oakland, Seattle and St. Louis. They’re basically gimme wins at this point. It’s like in your fantasy league where one owner inevitable gives up halfway through the season and stops making sure there’s a full roster every week.
Chicago @ Green Bay – The bloom is a starting to fall off the Aaron Rodgers rose a little it seems. To be fair, he’s been injured and Green Bay’s running game seems to have disappeared. The NFC North is so boring, that’s really the best I could come up with.
Winner: Green Bay
Houston @ Indianapolis – Cripes the Colts are going 12-4 this year, aren’t they? I knew it, I knew it! Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in! Look at their schedule the rest of the way: Houston, @ San Diego, @ Cleveland, Cincinnati, Detroit, @ Jacksonville, and Tennessee. The only game on there that looks difficult is Tennessee but in Week 17 the Titans might not have anything to play for – so it might be the Vince Young shirts-optional show. The Colts are like John Travolta, every time you think they’re gone for good, they come back dressed in drag in movies about hair-care products. It’s time to go away now Barbarino – you too Peyton!
St Louis @ San Francisco – I wonder if the surgery to remove Steven Jackson’s Y chromosome was successful. I hope so because that’s still a highly experimental procedure. In the old days they’d just give you the big snip and you’d be able to join the Vienna Boys Choir.
But now, with the move away from invasive surgery, they use radiation from a broken microwave and just zap that pesky chromosome right out of your body. Also, I think when you Google pictures of a boys choir your name goes on some sort of list.
Winner: San Francisco
Arizona @ Seattle – Know what sucks, the bye weeks are over and now there are 16 games a week. Great for football watchers, but slightly less great for marginally talented people who have to come up with something witty to say about garbage games like this.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville – Do you like quarterbacks who write country songs? From the Tennessean:
Billy Ray Cyrus's alarm will go off at 3:30 this morning because he and daughter Miley will perform on Good Morning America from Sommet Center Plaza. He will debut "Back to Tennessee," the title track of his new album and a cornerstone of the upcoming Hannah Montana movie. "The song certainly lends itself to become a very quick anthem for Tennessee Titan fans," said Billy Ray, noting the team's 9-0 record. "It's all about being at home and being back to Tennessee. It feels like it's going to go hand-in-hand with where the Titans are."
He had a chance to pitch the song to Titans quarterback Kerry Collins, who, as it turns out, is also a songwriter. "I dabbled a little bit," Kerry said. "I met Ed Hilland Billy Lawson and we sat down and came up with a song. I think it's pretty good." The title is "It's Not Hard to Be Happy When I'm Looking at You," It's a perfect tune for him to croon to his receivers.
Has the reporter who wrote that ever seen a Titans’ game? A properly titled song about the Titans’ receivers would be called, “It’s Hard to Be Happy When I’m Looking at You.” Terry Bradshaw read this story and started drooling but it wasn’t out of jealousy – it’s mostly because that’s just what Terry Bradshaw does. Seriously, how is that man on TV? He doesn’t even know where he is or what sport he's talking about. He’s the white Emmitt Smith.
San Diego @ Pittsburgh – What the crap is wrong with San Diego? They’re like the New Orleans of the AFC, only San Diego wins the odd game. There’s no way a team with that much talent should be eeking out wins at home against Kansas City. Sure they’ll probably end up winning the AFC West but that’s nothing to brag about. I wouldn’t let my resume get too out of date Norv – you’re probably going to need it in a few months.
Dallas @ Washington – The greatest sideshow on turf is healthy and all back together again – just in time for a season-crippling loss on the road in Washington. And even though that would also cripple my fantasy team, I’m subconsciously rooting for it because I want to see an old-school T.O. explosion. Maybe he’d slap Wade Phillips in the stomach or something. That would be great.
Cleveland @ Buffalo – For the second week in a row we’ve got a real classic Monday Night Football matchup. Although last weeks game did turn out to be pretty good, save the total incompetence of Mike Martz (and people wonder why he didn’t get the head coach spot in San Francisco). In an unfortunate turn of events, the Buffalo defence is slightly stiffer than Denver’s so we’ll see if Mr. Quinn is actually the next big thing.