Saturday, November 8, 2008

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

So anyone else out there see the phenomenal game between Texas and Texas Tech last Saturday night? Anyone? Beuller, Beuller?

Well I honestly don’t have the steam to do this today but I said I would do it so here goes. I figure I better get cracking and get this done before I have to spend the weekend with the out-laws, I mean in-laws. And it will be a long, long weekend.

#3 Penn St (9-0) @ Iowa (5-4): Looks like the lack of any quality opponents this year will seriously hurt Penn State’s chances of not only getting to the BCS championship game, let alone win it all. Even if Penn State runs the table the rest of the way they have to hope for an Alabama or Texas Tech loss to help catapult them into the BCS game. This looks like the only viable weekend for both Alabama and Texas Tech to lose is this weekend.

I include this pick after I read an article about how 1 in every 4 men have a foot fetish. I assume there are 4 people who read this blog, so I will leave it up to you to discuss among yourselves who that person is out of the group. My money is on a Mr J. [redacted], I mean Jeff T.

I’ll take Penn St

Cincinnati (6-2) @ #20 West Virginia (6-2): I honestly have nothing to say about this game whatsoever. So I will just provide visual aide to guide your decision on who to pick for the win. The city and University of Cincinnati is well represented by the following buxom beauties.

For those of you who do not get these references don’t look here for explanation. You obviously don’t enjoy good sitcoms.

(Ed. Note - I promis you, that will be the only time Nick Lachey appears in this space)

I will take Cincinnati to win. To be honest I am only picking them to win so I can link to this

(Ed. Note - Best theme song ever or best theme song ever? Welcome Back Kotter might give it a run for it's money. Might.)

#22 Georgia Tech (7-2) @ #19 N. Carolina (6-2): Nothing to say about this game either. So in lue of commentary here is a tribute to the hobo we found dead on the tracks Monday.

In the big rock candy mountain you never change your socks
and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks
So your socks get good and stinky and you’re always good and drunk
It’s the bestest time that you ever had
You won’t miss your friends or your mom or your dad in the big rock candy mountain

In the big rock candy mountain there’s a hole that’s full of treats
And the rocks all taste like sugar drops and the dirt is nice and sweet
You can eat some as you work the mines to bring me precious gems
There’s a Hobo shed, and some paint made of lead
You know you’re done a paintin’ when you wake up dead in the big rock candy mountain

I love the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch, the breasts there grow on trees
And streams of bacon ranch dressing flow right up to your knees
There’s tumbleweeds of bacon and cheddar paves the streets
You get to Veg all day all the lotto tickets paid
There’s a king who wants you to have it your way at the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch.

Hmm sounds like a song for Hoboes to lure children, and my hope to get sponsorship by BK.

I’ll take North Carolina.

#8 Oklahoma St (8-1) @ #2 Texas Tech (9-0): Michael Crabtree was gracious enough to get into the endzone for the last second game winning TD last Saturday, thus netting me $310 on Pro-Line. In return I offer him a delicious recipe… I assume he is a big fan and avid reader of my column.

How to Cook Owls

1. Look into it’s eyes
2. Kill it
3. Remove the thing that makes it purr
4. Remove it’s clockwork innards
5. Rub it all over with myrtle and salt
6. Sacrifice 100 goats to Athena
7. Don’t discard the little bolus of mouse bones you find in it’s tummy – that’s a delicacy
8. Then cook as you would crows

I assume Michael Crabtree and Graham Harrell have been with all of them

And this one as well I assume after Texas Tech routs Oklahoma St.

And once again it is time for the Brown Bag Special of the week. This week we feature a WAC conference game. I believe that is a first for this column.

Hawaii (4-5) @ New Mexico State (3-5): My interest in this game can be summed up by with the following common folk remedy.

If you have eczema and you do not have a baby to put in your bath, make a salve of cat fur, candle wax, goose grease, boiled carrots, and cornmeal. Eat this, and then vomit into a sack. If you can get someone to open the sack, then theoretically they should catch your eczema and you should be cured.

I’ll take Hawaii in this one. And if they win you too should be cured of your horrible affliction with eczema.


Cooper said...

As good as the WKRP song is, the one posted here is from season 3 and beyond. Not nearly as good as the original.

Napoleon in Rags said...

Ok fine, here is the link to the original theme song that Cooper included in his post this week:

I didn't use it because retrojunk won't let you embed their videos. And stupid Youtube doesn't have the original.