Friday, November 28, 2008

I Predict a Riot - Week 13 in the NFL (Thursday Night Football Edition) - But It's Actually Friday

Yes I know it’s a day late and three games have already been played, but suck it – you don’t pay for this stuff. Truth be told, I wasn’t even going to do The Riot this week – but in honour of the new, mediocre Killers album I decided to do a mediocre edition of I Predict a Riot. And how that differs from every other edition of it, I have no idea. But here's what I think is the best song off the disc, submitted for your approval.

Before we get to the actual football, you know what sucks? American Thanksgiving, that’s what. There’s football and mass amounts of artery-clogging food – and I don’t get any of it. But the worst part is, the website’s I rely on to get me through the day aren’t updated as everybody is off for the holiday. That really sticks in my craw.

The only bonus of American Thanksgiving is emailing your friends at work to tell them how badly you’re crushing them in Fantasy Football, when it’s only halftime of the first game.

Tennessee @ Detroit – There are lot’s of bad teams in the NFL this season, but the Lions are easily the worst – and it’s not even close. But they’re not the type of bad that’s only a piece or two from being a mediocre team – the Lions are comically bad. I was following this game on Game Center while sitting at my desk (shhhhhhh!), and the Lions had one of the funniest possessions I’ve ever seen. They had a 3rd and let’s say 4 from their own 20 or so. Before the 3rd down play they take a time out to talk it over – fine. Then coming out of the timeout, they take a penalty for delay of game because the play clock ran out. If there’s a list of stupid penalties you can take, a delay of game coming out of a timeout is close to the top of the list. By the time they actually got around to running the third down play, of course they didn’t convert it. Then to top off the possession and make it one of my favorite of all time – on 4th down the Detroit punter laid into one for a walloping 13 yards! Man, you just can’t make this stuff up.
Winner: Tennessee

Seattle @ Dallas – Well the second blowout of the day was about as predictable as the first – and by about as, I mean it was. It’s nice to see Tony Romo back, leading the league in smiles. Without fail, every year I end up with one or two Cowboys playing important roles on my Fantasy team – which means that I’m forced into cheering for them. Then as I’m inevitably eliminated from playoff contention I slowly remember that I can’t stand the Cowboys, and root against them with every fibre of my being. This year however, I’m still in contention late in the season - so it’s Go Cowboys Go. Yes, this is what it feels like to sell out.
Winner: Dallas

Arizona @ Philadelphia – That was certainly a thrashing, wasn’t it? Sure the first two games of the day were always destined to be blow-outs. But this game was supposed to be competitive and redeem an otherwise lop-sided day of football. That was a total face-smashing that Philly laid on Arizona. The Cardinals are going to win the NFC West but they surely won’t win a playoff game if they have to play a team from the East or South - it’s just a totally different class of competition.
Winner: Philadelphia

San Francisco @ Buffalo – So, Whistling Dixie in my office is at it again – it's getting to the point that if I hear another bar of the Nutcracker shrilly whistled at piercing volumes, I’m going to be summarily dismissed for performing my own version of the Nutcracker. It’ll look something like this:

Winner: Buffalo

Baltimore @ Cincinnati - Wow, looking down the list of games I have yet to write anything for I'm noticing that there are a lot of great games this weekend. This may not be a great game, but it might be better than you think. Cincinnati was mostly competitive against Pittsburgh last week and might do alright against Baltimore. Oh, who am I kidding - Baltimore is probably going to role.
Winner: Baltimore

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay - Ok New Orleans, I'm thinking about calling you again. I know we've been down this road before and you've done nothing but hurt me. But if you beat Tampa you might be hearing from me next week. I'm still in awe of that game they playing against Green Bay last week. Nothing would give me more joy than seeing Tampa get lit up like that.
Winner: New Orleans

NY Giants @ Washington - Oh, NFC East games - how I love you so. If you want to see 30-some guys trying to brutally beat the life out of one another - this is the game for you. I can't wait.
Winner: New York

Miami @ St. Louis - I'm a frequenter of blogs, I admit. And there's one phenomenon that has me just baffled - it's a commenter on a blog writing "first" on a blog post, when they are in fact the first comment. This is just the stupidest thing in the history of humanity - and yes, I'm taking this into consideration:

How could a person derive any sort of sense of accomplishment from this? I'm just truly baffled. It's little wonder that civilization is crumbling all around us. The only thing I enjoy about this stupidity is when someone writes "first" thinking they are, when in fact they're second or third. Oh the irony! People need to get out of the house more, methinks.
Winner: Miami

Indianapolis @ Cleveland - When Indy wins they're going to 8-4, you know that right? It's getting clearer and clearer that we're going to have to kill them like T-1000.

Thank goodness they ended up fighting the indestructible liquid-metal killbot in a smelting plant! Who knows what would have happened otherwise?
Winner: Indianapolis

Carolina @ Green Bay - I'd be very surprised if Jake Delhomme has the kind of success against Green Bay that Drew Brees did. Green Bay will be thoroughly pissed off and not wanting to get beat in front of their home fans.
Winner: Green Bay

Atlanta @ San Diego - Norv Turner's last stand must surely be coming soon. But every indication seems to be to the contrary. I'll never understand what ownership sees in some of these coaches.
Winner: Atlanta

Denver @ NY Jets – Luckily for you, good reader, we have sent two members of the Sports As Life field team going to this game. So instead of me making up mostly unfunny things to say about it in advance, we’re going to have a report from the game by TH and Trebor next week – contingent on no subways exploding. And since Trebor is in NYC, there will be no Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby this week - adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly.
Winner: NY Jets

Pittsburgh @ New England - Oh please, oh please, oh please Pittsburgh. I don't ask you for much. Consider this my Christmas present.
Winner: Pittsburgh

Kansas City @ Oakland - This week TH was giving me the gears about the lack of Oakland Raiders coverage - I told him he could stick it in his Black Hole.

But hey, what can I say? The Raiders dominated the Broncos last weekend and will probably do the same against the Chiefs this weekend. They've become a competent football team all of a sudden and they're defence is actually quite good. And the Chiefs? They suck - and likely won't win another game this year. And with the way Detroit is playing, the number 2 pick is best Kansas City can hope for. I can live with that. With the abundance of quarterbacks that should be in this year's draft anything in the top 5 should be solid. Let's just hope it doesn't turn into a Peyton Manning/Ryan Leaf situation.
Winner: Oakland

Chicago @ Minnesota - What's the deal with Canadian politics right now? Dealing with politics is always a lose-lose situation, but this is getting so ridiculous it needed to be mentioned. Could we possibly have our 3rd election in less than three years? Didn't I just vote like last week? Our tax dollars hard at work.
Winner: Minnesota
Loser: Canadians

Jacksonville @ Houston – Is this seriously the Monday Night Game? Didn’t the NFL institute the flex schedule to keep garbage like this from getting on the prime time airwaves? All the games with potential playoff implications and was have to watch Hurricane Rosenfels against David Garrard.
Winner: Houston


Mayo said...

Happy birthday editor and chief, Napoleon.

Anonymous said...


TH must have found an internet connection in New York. I see he took Plaxico off his starting roster. And happy birthday editor. Nice to have it on a monday. Don't worry, it will land on a weekend by 2012.


Rider Prophet said...

Seriously how much did you enjoy the Patriots disgraceful display against the Steelers?

Napoleon in Rags said...

My enjoyment of the New England dismantling was two-fold:

1) Pittsburgh is my fantasy defence, so I got that going for me.

2) Seeing the Patriots' playoff hopes evaporate (fingers crossed) in front of their own fans brought more joy to my heart than a person should get from a football game.

When Welker got KTFO, I was squealing with delight like a schoolgirl who just got her first Co-ed Tramp Barbie, all the while screaming "That's not a penalty!"

Trebor said...

made it out of the meadowlands alive despite some unahppy J-E-T-S fans... wow their offense stunk, their defense stunk, the officiating stunk and possibly the city too ?? I'm not sure if this game was televised but the 2 challenges that the JETS lost i'm sure will be brought up on 'under review' or whatever it's called... can;t challenge a fumble recovery??? can step out of bounds ???

On a brighter note I need to go on vacation more often, the fantsy thing worked out great this week with me not being able to change one league Westbrook, denagelo and Indy Def were starting, thus almsot solidifying 1st palce in pnts ant the $600 with it.

Napoleon in Rags said...

That can't challenge a fumble call is the most ridiculous garbage I've ever heard. Why even have replay if you can't challenge a game-changing play like that. Suffice it to say, it's mentioned in today's post.