Friday, December 19, 2008

The 2nd Annual Sports As Life College Football Bowlstravaganza

Yes folks, Cooper is back to wade through the unending mire of the college football bowl season; previewing all the highlights, lowlights and which games you should shovel your driveway during.

If We Make it Through December. Bowl Predictions Part 1 of 6? 7? 8?

“If we make it through December we’ll be fine”... Merle Haggard.



That is what I am telling myself as I am gearing up for another busy college bowl season. I am going to buckle down this year and give a synopsis on every game. Synopsis is the word I am looking for, right? Anyway, yes I will preview and predict all 20-bowl games. Hold on, I am being informed that there are actually 34 bowl games this year. 34? That can’t possibly be right. Why that would mean that 68 of 119 teams are guaranteed a bowl game. What’s that you say? They want to add another 5 bowl games for next season. Why not just have 59 bowl games so that 118 of the 119 teams get a bowl game, that way everybody is a winner.(Ed. Note - Just like the CFL playoffs) Well all except for whoever is ranked 119th at the end of the season which is always either the Black Nights of Army or the Idaho Vandals.

This seasons bowl schedule kicks off this Saturday and goes until sometime in mid-January. The 8th of January to be precise. I will not preview every game at the present time, to do that in one sitting would be way too time consuming. And to make you the reader take in that much information in one sitting would be sadistic. Oh some breaking college football news, as I write this on what is Tuesday evening, everybody’s favorite octogenarian head coach Joe Paterno, at the age of 81 has just been given a 3 year extension to remain the head ball coach at Penn St. In all honesty I am happy to see him coming back to coach.

December 20th:

EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest (7-5) @ Navy (8-4)
It’s good to see that in this time of dire financial ruin that a major U.S financial institution is throwing away money to sponsor a bowl game between Wake Forest and Navy. Kudos’ to you EagleBank, Kudos. What’s that you say? Each member of the winning team gets a free house on which you foreclosed on. That’s just excellent.

Oh this game is also a rarity in that Wake Forest and Navy have already met earlier this season in which Navy won 24 – 17.

Navy to win the rematch 31 – 27

New Mexico Bowl: Fresno St (7-5) @ Colorado St (6-6)
Hmmm apparently the legendary head coach of Alabama Paul “Bear” Bryant was somewhat of a douchebag.


(Ed. Note - To be fair, if I had to stare at the cream suit, I'd be pissed too)

I imagine that he was just still upset because he was told he had to have black players on his team by the national guard. Well still he is not nearly half the asshole that Nick Saban is.



Fresno St to win

MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis (6-6) @ South Florida (7-5)
Please let Magicjack be a local chain of flapjack houses in the St. Petersburg area, that would be so awesome. Oh they are just a free long distance phone company. Dammit!

Who would have guessed that Russians enjoyed college football enough to host a bowl game? I believe the MVP of this game gets a free Lada sedan.

Better yet who would have guessed that The Gambler, Kenny Rogers was such a kick ass bass player.



Then again who would have guessed that apparent greasy hippy is even Kenny Rogers. By my estimate the man has been sporting that beard for the better part of 40 years. That’s a hell of a long time to stick with one facial hairstyle. And I for one salute him for it. What do you think is under that beard? A Chuck Norris like fist? A Chuck Norris beard? Chuck Norris? Or carcasses of some fine roasted chickens? My money is on the chicken.



I highly recommend getting the studio version of that song “Ruby Don’t Take your Love to Town”, it is fantastic. Nothing beats a good old country song about shooting and putting your cheating old lady in the ground.

Just like South Florida will bury Memphis.

Las Vegas Bowl: #17 BYU (10-2) @ Arizona (7-5)
I imagine that when the fine people of the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Las Vegas decided to host a bowl game that they wanted to attract certain teams and their fan bases to come to their fine city and spend money drinking, gambling and whoring it up. Well Las Vegas open your arms up to Brigham Young University and it’s fine fan base which makes up the majority of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Yes a team of devout Mormon’s and their fans are making the holy trek across the salt flats to Vegas to play the Wildcats of Arizona. Actually it appears that BYU makes a yearly appearance in this game having played in it the last 3 seasons. Maybe it is made to be that way to give the Mormans one day of debauchery. Well here is a random clip from last years Las Vegas Bowl which I oddly enough remember watching live.



When BYU wins this game their fans will be staying up till the wee hours of 11 pm to celebrate the win. I believe there is a planned celebratory scripture reading at the Wynn following the game.

BYU to win


December 21st:

R&LCNO Bowl: Southern Miss (6-6) @ Troy (8-4)
The actual full name for this game is “The R and L Carriers New Orleans Bowl”…Jesus tap dancing Christ! I assume neither R and L Carriers nor the City of New Orleans had enough money to sponsor a bowl game on their own so they decided to pool their resources in this time of financial woes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OirqsNwEqI0 (Ed. Note - I can't embed that video, so you'll just have to follow the link to watch it)

That commercial is almost as bad as the legendary commercial for Ron and Ally’s pizza which featured North Star legendary tender Gilles Meloche



Troy St to win. Don’t ask why I think that. Just accept it


December 23rd:

Poinsettia Bowl: #11 TCU (10-2) @ #9 Boise St (12-0)
This is actually known as the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. The people at the San Diego County Credit Union would like to remind you over this holiday season to stay classy while we foreclose on your ass.


Seriously, Boise St wins their conference by decimating every team they faced, are undefeated and the best they get is the Poinsettia Bowl? Does the bowl selection committee not remember Boise St – Oklahoma from 2 years ago? Only the best bowl game ever!




(Ed. Note - Those videos still give me chils, and probably always will)

Seriously though this should be one of the better bowl games this year. It is just a shame two quality teams are forced to play in such a meaningless bowl game.


Boise St to win


So that is 6 down, only 28 more bowl games to go. Next up are the games spanning Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. Serenity Now! Serenity Now!

3 comments:

Napoleon in Rags said...

I would like to be the first to congratulate Cooper on shattering the record for most YouTube videos in a single blog post.

Napoleon in Rags said...

Also, is it just me or is there absolutely no guitar in that Merle Haggard song?

Napoleon in Rags said...

Also, also I find it astounding that CitiBank (who received government bailout money) is still sponsoring the Rose Bowl, which cannot be cheap. I wonder how much of the American taxpayer's money is being used for that?