Sunday, December 7, 2008

A Giant Post About the New York Jets

(Or how I learned that Brett Farve can’t play in the pouring rain)

Finally, the boss has given me an assignment that I can sink my teeth into - writing a piece about the New York Jets/Denver Broncos game. What’s that you say, I have to fly to New York to cover the Jets game? Ok, but can I put it on the company credit card? What’s that you say? Cooper spent the company’s limit on his buffalo moon farm and paying our lawyers for being sued by college co-eds? F*ck! Well looks like no Christmas gifts for the family this year.

Well, I decided that this was the perfect way to climb the corporate ladder at Sportsaslife Inc., so I bit the bullet and bought my ticket to the game and to New York City for the Jets/Broncos game. If the editor doesn’t take note of this then I may as well look for another job at another sports-blog. I also didn’t want to be taken advantage of in the big city, so I brought some muscle along (by brother DH) and some brains (Sportsaslife fantasy guru Trebor and his beautiful wife).

There were a few days before the game, so I decided that I might as well see the sites of the big city. We started at the Statue of Liberty, which was smaller than I thought, but still mighty impressive. Needless to say you can tell that we are some classy people and really respect the integrity of historical things.

Yes a bunch intelligent sensitive people, yup that’s us.

Well, down to Wall Street to see where all the magic of the market happens. Oh, wait, there are a bunch of people in suits begging for money. Hey, I think I see our editor holding a sign up asking for a bail-out!?! Better not take out that housing loan.

Jeez by the time we made it through Wall Street I was out 250 billion dollars and I didn’t even get a thank-you or a reach-around. Man, this trip just got very expensive. Perhaps things will be better on 5th Avenue.

Oh, Sacs 5th Avenue, Tiffany’s, Louis Vuitton, these are stores that everyone knows…and that poor shmoes like us aren’t allowed into. I guess that explains why all these stores have door guards. Well off to Macy’s, hopefully there are no Christmas shopping related squishings while we are there. Too soon?

We just got out of Macy’s and a day has somehow passed us by… what happened in there. I guess that is to be expected with a store that’s advertisement reads “Macy’s: The Biggest Store in the WORLD”.

Off to Times Square to see the sights...

Well all I got there was a street CD that I didn’t really want. Actually, it isn’t bad hopefully our editor can put a track on somehow, if not, check this guy out at Seriously, check it out! (Ed. Note - He couldn't, so y'all just have to follow the link)

Hey, one of the huge New York city news tickers just said that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg at a night club with a handgun that he didn’t have a permit for…he must be a Rhodes Scholar. Maybe he goes home at night wondering how he could join his buddy Mick Vick in jail. Perhaps he also goes home at the end of a game and starts flushing money down the toilet for entertainment. Idiot. The second that news hit the streets the New York Papers were killing him… and I have to say that he deserves it. Well, no time to waste, have to see all there is to see before the game.

I guess we should go to a museum or something… doesn’t Ben Stiller work at the Natural History Museum?

After 4 hours of looking I am finally convinced that Night at the Museum was not a documentary and Ben Stiller doesn’t work at the New York American Museum of Natural History.

I suppose that we should go to the game, since that was what I was here to see. Oh, good, it is pouring rain. Even better, it is cold… hurray, I am looking forward to this already. Wait, what!?!?! We have to go to New Jersey to see the game…what!!! Needless to say once we emerge for Lincoln Tunnel I know we are in New Jersey, and I know why it is nicknamed “The Swamp”.

Into the Giants Stadium surrounded by real New Yorkers, the first ones that I have seen since I have been here. The game starts out well despite the rain, 7 – 7, and I just learned that you can’t challenge fumble recoveries in the NFL – could someone remind me why the NFL has replay again? But things look promising for the Jets since the Broncos can’t stop the run. Oh, wait, Brett Farve has started to do those Brett Farve things… sling the ball down the field. Did he forget that he isn’t any good in the rain?

Oh, things are getting out of hand before the half.

Just before half the Broncos have an injury. Oh, two in a row, people are starting to grumble. Wait, wait, three in a row… the people around us start to boo. I turn around and I think Elliot Gould is sitting right behind me. He looks and sounds exactly like him. I ask him for his autograph and he asks for my wallet. Nice, Elliot Gould has just stolen my wallet at a Jets game. But he said he was the wallet inspector.

Oh, more booing, which means that there is another Bronco lying on the field only to come back into the game 2 plays later after they have sat by the heater for a second. One more down and I begin to boo – I am starting to feel like a Philly fan booing when Michael Irvin was lying on the field at Vet’s stadium with a broken neck. I seemingly have lost all interest in the game and start to count how many Broncos can be ‘injured’, and contemplate how well they are organized… never are their two Broncos lying on the field at the same time. They could form some kind of synchronized swim team. They could dominate international competitions! Oh, I have also learned that stepping on the white sideline does NOT mean that you are out of bounds… the things I didn’t know about football. Oh, look my first viewing of a Brett Farve overthrow interception… neat.

Thank god the game is finally over, that was painful to watch, and no wonder the editor gave me this assignment. I think he hates me. The Jets couldn’t even beat the lowly Broncos, who were blown out by the Raiders… I guess the Jets also lost to the Raiders…and they are going to the playoffs!?!

Well after I stand out in the rain another hour waiting to get on the bus back to Port Authority and the safety of New York I am ready to go home. Our flight is in two hours, loads of time. Into the cab on the way to the airport and someone has forgotten their passport at the hotel… AHHHHHH!!!

Bye-bye New York, you were a fine city… let's see where the boss sends me next year.


Napoleon in Rags said...

You guys went to New York!!?! I said you could go to Neudorf... SASKATCHEWAN!! I am NOT paying for this.

Trebor said...

No mention of it being a touchback even though ball and player were in the endszone. The calls were close but it seemed the refs were a bit one sided maybe for having to go to new jersey.

I'll add this...we were damm lucky, luckier than waking up with the usc cheerleaders in your bed of money....maybe not that luck but after paying good money for washington in which we were blocked by pillars and the view was limited by a ceileing we vowed never to get seats under a balcony. Well as the rain continued shannon bought a pancho for the rain, the guys loaded up on food and hot cocco, we then walked to our seats to find that we were saved, despite our best efforts in purchasing the tickets we under the second level thus saved by the trenchal downpour. If we were in the probably would haved ruined the trip.

oh since it's monday looks like favre sucks in the sunshine too.

Mitch said...

Anyone with a Myspace slogan like,

"Fuck bitches.. Concentrate like citrus,"

must have mad rapping skills.