Friday, January 11, 2008

I Predict A Riot - For Real This Time

You wanna get nuts, c'mon - let's get nuts!

It's Divisional Playoff weekend and if I can't stay awake for these games I'm obligated to turn in my Blogger password and delete my account. More excited about these games, I could not be - I'll be so emotionally spent by 4 in the afternoon on Sunday that I'm going to be mainlining Red Bull.

I'm serious - is there one game this weekend you don't want to watch? One game that you looked at and said, meh? Didn't think so.

This weekend we get to see Favre, (Peyton) Manning, Brady, and Romo. Phil Rivers and the "other" Manning are left off this list for obvious reasons. Vince Young will be at home icing some part of his body, Todd Collins will be at Home Depot looking for new tile for the downstairs bathroom and Jeff Garcia will be at the grocery store - trying to wildly run and flail his way through the crowds of shoppers.

Seattle @ Green Bay
You know, just when I thought I couldn't hate Seattle any more passionately... their kicker is going to wear heated pants at Lambeau Field on Sunday. You know when I was kicking in Green Bay in the winter, we were lucky to even have pants. And if we did, they were thread-bare linens from the Five and Dime. And the team only had 6 pairs of shoes to go around - guess who never got to wear them, that's right... the kicker! Now you got these trendy Westcoasters coming in with their sophisticated coffee, metro mustache/glasses combinations and electronic pants. The scoreboard wasn't even electronic when I was kicking - the coach's slow-witted kid got paid a Buffalo Nickel every game to hang wooden numbers on rusty nails sticking out of a 4x8 sheet of plywood that the quarterback donated when he built his rumpus room. If you can't play in sub-zero temperatures without heated pants honey, maybe you should just put your dress back on and go mix us up another round of Manhattans. And get off my lawn!, I'm not sure what just happened there - I think I may have been channelling Abraham Simpson, or possibly Larry King.

It feels like this game loses some of its lustre because it looks like Brett Favre might play another game at Lambeau. While that would be great - it would have been so sweet to see Green Bay put a royal jack-booting to Seattle and then see Favre get carried off the field after his last home game. I am still looking forward to the jack-booting though. So help me Hasselbeck, if you ruin this for me I will find you and... well, I probably won't do anything - but I will find you. Actually, have you seen the cost of a flight to Seattle? Ridiculous. I'd include Shaun Alexander here too - but his 0.7 yards per carry doesn't really worry anybody.
Winner: Green Bay

Jacksonville @ New England
As much as I'd love to believe everyone when they say, Jacksonville matches up really well against New England, I just can't. I learned my lesson after getting suckered in by all that, U.S Army matches up really well against the Viet Cong talk. Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on Fred Taylor's brittle hamstrings. (I might have ripped off that Viet Cong line from somewhere. Sometimes things seep into my unconscious. I apologize)

There's a part of me that actually wants New England to win this game. Don't get me wrong, I desperately want them to lose one of these last three games. However, I want to see Pats/Colts 18, The ________ in Foxboro. Hey, it's not easy coming up with something that rhymes with Foxboro - and no, socksboro is not a word.

Forgive me if I'm overestimating the importance of playoff experience but I don't think Jacksonville has a chance in this game - not even like a snowball's chance in hell chance. I just don't see it. For a team to beat the Patriots it's going to take a totally mistake-free game and I don't think Jacksonville has that in them - be it a bad interception, a fumble or a stupid penalty.

This game comes down to Tom Brady's boyish good looks... wait, what? No, no - that's not right at all. Forget I said anything.
Winner: New England

San Diego @ Indianapolis
By now we can all pretty much agree that Philip Rivers is a prick, right? And he's a pretty mediocre quarterback - but that's secondary to his prickishness. Do you realize that Drew Brees could have been playing quarterback for this team right now? I think I would be more apt to pick them in that scenario.

Yet something about this game feels fishy to me. It's a - it's quiet, too quiet - moment. By my reasoning Indy should roll all over the Chargers. But it just seems a little too easy to me.

Oh I keep forgetting - Norv Turner is still in charge in San Diego isn't he? That changes everything. I have a sneaking suspicion we'll be seeing this quite a bit on Sunday. This ain't no Vince Young situation kids, Indy is a whole different beast.

This will be one of the few times I'll be cheering for the Colts - only because I want to see them play the Patriots next weekend. You think San Diego would have a shot in Foxboro?

Giants @ Dallas III
It's too bad that Jessica Simpson isn't going to be in Dallas this weekend - cause that's a storyline nobody's tired of hearing about. We could have heard Joe Buck and Troy Aikman undressing her again. It's really a shame.

Oh, football - right.

Yes I know the Cowboys looked terrible in their last few games. Terrell Owens' ankle is more crooked than an Airbus deal. And surely some of Jessica's idiocy has worn off on Tony Romo - thankfully he's still smiling though - don't you ever go changing Tony.

However, I cannot and will not believe that the Giants will be in the NFC Championship game... and possibly the Super Bowl this year. How are they winning games? It's the "other" Manning - and his name's Elisha. I guess having a great pass rush goes a long way these days. And having a running back the size of Adam Bomb doesn't hurt either.

But the Cowboys have a running with the nickname Marion the Barbarian - and for that reason alone they're going to win this game.
Winner: Dallas

I know I said there was going to be a review of the pre-season predictions but I ran out of time for that today. So I'd say look for that next week.

1 comment:

Trebor said...

Not picking any road teams....doesnt one have to win ?? Proably the giants have the best chance...tough to pick them though.

I also thought you were going to start picking with the spread......Is Indy gong to win by more than 9 ????