Monday Headlines

Yes I know, this segment was finished, crushed like John Muckler is going to be crushed by the Ottawa Senators sometime today. But here it is, it just won't die - like Mike Keenan, like Tiger Woods.

And I'm not saying that the fire alarm going off in my building last night at 11 caused the work to be of substandard quality today - I'm just saying it probably didn't help.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE WHEELS FELL OFF IN HAMILTON?

That's Hamilton, New Zealand not Hamilton, Ontario for those of you keeping score at home. And the headline is a lyric from a song by Ike Reilly that only me and 3 other people I know have ever heard. Anyway, this was supposed to be about Canada's 64-13 rugby loss to New Zealand on Saturday. On paper this looks pretty bad but Canada played extremely well, especially in the first half, but ran out of gas in the second (it was 26-13 at halftime). It was a pretty impressive showing all around that led to praise from the New Zealand head coach, as well as the New Zealand Television crew that were working the game. But really how could you possibly compete after 20 giant Kiwi's, most of them channelling their Maori warrior ancestors, do this right in front of you before the game. Terrifying. Just terrifying.

THE WORST U.S OPEN EVER

Nope this isn't about Oakmont being so difficult that it was comical to see the pros try to survive it. Not about Tiger failing to come from behind to win again, as he did at the Masters this year. Not even about the worst golf commentator ever (maybe even the worst commentator ever - narrowly snatching the crown from Joe Theismann) Johnny Miller, who comes across as just a condescending, know-it-all of a man who talks like he has peanut butter in his mouth. This is about being forced to look at Tiger Woods' nipples for 5 hours on Sunday. The richest golfer in the world couldn't break out a better shirt than that? I can't believe his wife let him leave the house looking like that.

THE ROUGHRIDER BANDWAGON - GOOD SEATS STILL AVAILABLE

"They are who we thought they were... That's why we took the damn field. If you wanna crown 'em then crown their ass." - Dennis Green, October 16, 2006

I'm not entirely sure why I decided to put that quote in there, other than I love and will use it at every opportunity. It was the greatest NFL post-game press conference in recent history. I think it applies to the fact that people probably shouldn't get too excited over one preseason game - in which the two men competing for the starting QB job went a combined 6-14 for 135 yards in one half of football. Let's maybe hold off on engraving the Grey Cup for now is all I'm saying.

BLOW UP TORONTO

I'm serious. The Toronto Blue Jays need to be dismantled immediately for the good of the franchise. They need to sell some players while they can still get something for them, such as Troy Glaus and Alex Rios. This team needs to go young, get some good prospects and draft picks. The strategy of signing aging veterans and mediocre pitchers with histories of serious arm problems really hasn't worked out very well. Yes the team has been devastated this year by injuries but even with a healthy roster was this team good enough to compete with the Red Sox, Tigers, Indians, or even the Yankees? Nope. When you lose 2 of 3 to the Washington Nationals at home it's a pretty good indication that you're not ready for prime time yet.