Sunday, June 24, 2007

Special NHL Draft edition of untitled (Formerly Cooper's Corner)

Well the 1st round of the NHL entry draft is finally now over. My mind has turned into a liquefied goo state after making it to pick #24. My editor in chief didn’t think I could make it past #7, and frankly neither did I. Here is a recap of the draft… real player analysis or stats or any of that crap. Just views and opinions from yours truly. I have left out a few picks that were uneventful, but I guarantee I did watch them

5pm: Turn on TSN’s draft coverage and of course within the first 3 minutes they have on John Ferguson Jr discussing his Leafs. Could TSN kiss any more ass for that team, oh wait they have Crosby’s ass now, nevermind.

5:05pm: I am already sick of this s%*t. Pierre Maguire is a tool. Nice shot of Kyle Turris and his mom…..more on that in a bit.

1st Pick (Chicago): Patrick Kane of the London Knights. Has a good looking mom, nice grill on her. That red hawks jersey is still the best looking in the NHL. Pizza arrives, pepperoni with mushroom and tomatoes? WTF! Thanks a lot Christa.

2nd Pick (Philly): James Van Riemsdyk of the US development team. He looks like he is 13 years old and has a name that sounds like he will be a giant bust. His mom is not too bad looking, could use some aftermarket customization however, maybe a hood scoop.

3rd Pick (Phoenix): Kyle Turris of the BCJHL. Drafting a player from a tier 2 league this early seems risky too me due to the lack of talented opposition. I mean he played at the same level that the Nipawin Hawks play in. However his mom is a real MILF. The hottest mom of the draft. No aftermarket add-ons needed. Sexy time! I like how Gretzky got a standing ovation when he got to the podium. I got an idea….how about Commissioner Gretzky!

Commercial break…flip to Arrested Development……girls with low self esteem….priceless!

4th Pick (LA): Thomas Hickey of the Seattle Thunderbirds. Say’s his idol is Bobby Orr yet this kid is born in 88? How can this be? Mother is an old withered hag. Pointless to even bother with aftermarket customization, too much work needed. The labour costs alone would be killer.

5th Pick (Wash): Karl Alzner of the Calgary Hitmen. Good to see that the Caps are going back to their old jerseys, sort of. Was only able to catch the back of moms head so nothing to report but I am sure Mrs Alzner is - as Mike Yanagita from “Fargo” would say - “such a super lady”.

7th Pick (Columbus): Yakob Voracek of the Halifax Mooseheads. He is supposed to be very talented however watching him skate is almost like looking at a fridge on skates. Very awkward looking. His mom looks very Eastern European, very Slavic-like. Wait is she wearing a puffy shirt? My god she is wearing a puffy shirt!

8th Pick (Boston) : Zach Hamill of the Everett Silvertips. The son of a poor Jedi warrior, and what looks like a mob wife out of “Goodfellas”. His mom looked very scrapping in a puke green blouse, giant gold hoop earrings and as my co-worker Erin put it “cheetah print hair”. Good to see Cam Neely upright and walking again no thanks to Ulf.

9th Pick (SJ): Logan Couture from the Ottawa 67’s. Mom is ok looking but as Erin put it “check out the rack on the blonde in his entourage. Looks like an old Christy Brinkley”. I noticed that the chief of scouting for the Sharks is sporting a nice $30 suit from Woolco. He looks like he should be a manager at a warehouse that sells discount mattresses. He must have gotten his wardrobe tips from Mike Smith. (I have a feeling only 1 or 2 of you will get this reference.)

10th Pick (Fla) : Keaton Ellerby of the Kamloops Blazers. Looks like a good kid. Mrs Ellerby is a quite attractive, however could use some aftermarket addons. At this point Erin and I have a lengthy conversation about after-market customizations and the woman who get them. Very Nice!

11th Pick (Carolina) : Brandon Sutter of the Red Deer Rebels. At this point in time I became irate that the Flames didn’t try to trade up for this guy. Why not give up Zuzyin for this pick? Brent Sutter is a lucky man. Mrs Sutter is how you say sexy time!

12th Pick (Montreal) Ryan McDonagh from some high school in Minnesota. I love the snub of hometown boy Angelo Esposito, (he became a little misty eyed) but how can you truly judge the talent of a player when he is playing at the same level that me and Chris H played while at Sheldon. I mean c’mon. Mom was well, couldn’t really tell, the camera turned away when they realized they had a surfboard in the shot. At this point the panel is saying that Cherepanov and Esposito are the Leinart and Quinn of the NHL draft. Please, give me a break.

13th Pick (StL): Lars Eller from the Swedish Elite League. He is Danish, nuff said for his future as an NHL’er. Camera pans to Cherepanov and Esposito looking beleaguered. No mom present?

14th Pick (Colorado): Kevin Shattenkirk of the US development team. Mom is looking hot in a nice flower print summer dress, no add-ons needed. Camera pans to Cherepanov and Esposito looking even more beleaguered. I have a theory about this kid. Shatten (Shatner), Kirk (Cpt. Kirk). Could this be a love child of Bill Shatner? I will look deeper into this.

15th Pick (Edm): Alex Plante of the Calgary Hitmen. The son of a former and the brother of a current Brandon Wheat King (Cam Plante) and (Tyler Plante). Yet again the camera pans to Cherepanov and Esposito. Mom could use an after-market hood scoop to cover that chicken neck.

16th Pick (Minnesota): Colton Gillies of the S’toon Blades. Mrs Gillies maiden name must have been grizzly cause she is a bear of a woman. Yikes! Camera thankfully pans over to Cherepanov and Esposito. I am getting sick of the comparison to Leinart and Quinn.

17th Pick (NYR): Cherepanov…..FINALLY! This guy was ranked top 4. Good to see him go. He has quite the mullet. Must still be big in the eastern block. No mother present, however there is a Gene Principe look-a-like with him. Pierre Maguire has an obvious man crush on this kid, or should I say boy crush? That’s just creepy, but so is Maguire.

18th Pick (StL): The moment I have been waiting for, Calgary’s pick. What? A trade? You can’t be serious! Sutter is trading down to #24? WTF! Sutter must have been birthing a cow and got kicked in the head cause nothing he has done in the past 2 weeks has made any sense. Ok so St Louis picks Ian Cole from the US Development team. “I’ve already forgotten his name”. Mom looks like a medieval ogre. Camera shot to Esposito almost in tears. Bob Mackenzie compares him to Brady Quinn….again.

20th Pick (Pitt): Finally Angelo Esposito from Quebec. The Pens have now just become an offensive juggernaut. Mom is an ugmo. You need a whole aftermarket body kit for her. Hood Scoop, grill, glass packed muffler, headlights, tailfin, etc.

21st Pick (Edm): Riley Nash from the BCJHL. Mom is pretty good looking and is showing a lot of bra-strap…wha wha wee wha!

24th Pick (Cal): The moment has arrived. The Calgary Flames are proud to select Mikael Backlund from the Swedish Elite League. WHAT? Ok he was ranked high but fell down 10 spots or so. Hmmm wonder why? Oh he has a history of knee injuries! I swear to god this is was my immediate thought: However if the hotness of Moms ranked players this guy will be the 2nd best player in this draft class easily. His mom was looking very nice with a hot librarian look. A nice red dress, with the black rimmed glasses. Sexy Time!

At this point I lost complete interest. I had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I am pretty sure there was not much else to see anyway, just a bunch of surfboards probably. Now can I go a couple months without hockey please unless it involves the Flames somehow landing Crosby and Ovechkin in a blockbuster deal.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious cooper,
Didn't any of the draftees bring dates? BTW, even though I only played high school, i'm sure i would have gone 6th round if i was 5'10" or taller. You could have gotten drafted if it wasn't for your hot-headed goalie temper and perhaps if the Glencairn Senators team we were on didn't crush your self esteem.