The Sports As Life NFL Mid-Season Review Election Night Spectacular

I obviously watch way too much TV because I know more than any person should about people like Jeanne Shaheen and John Sununu. Thankfully that will all be over after tonight.

But this week is also special because the NFL season is at it's halfway point - and that means I get to look back and see just how wrong I was about everything. I'm going to look at each division, because I just don't have the wherewith all to do each team.

NFC East
So much for that Super Bowl hangover, eh? I'm actually enjoying the Giants this season. Philly is hanging around sort of where I thought they would be but I will admit that I was totally wrong about Washington - they're actually a lot more competitive than I thought they'd be. I don't think they're going to be in the playoff picture but at least Zorn hasn't been a total catastrophe. And speaking of catastrophes, how 'bout them Cowboys? And how 'bout obvious segways? I'd be much more excited about the Cowboy implosion if my fantasy season wasn't tied to their fortunes.

NFC North
Before the season I said that Jon Kitna was the best quarterback in the NFC North - well, Kitna is now out for the season and that title probably goes to Aaron Rodgers. But then there's Kyle Orton - who would have thought he'd be as good as this? Not me, and I loves me some Captain Neckbeard. Confession time though - I was dead wrong about the Tarvarvis Jackson Experience. Sometimes you just have to take a chance - sometimes you're right, sometimes you're wrong. I was wrong.

NFC South
Wow, this division is a little bit surprising, isn't it? All four teams are reasonably competitive - it's like the bizarro AFC West. I'm surprised but not disappointed that Matt Ryan is making an impact in his first year. I do wish that Tampa Bay would go away though, I'm tired of them. And New Orleans... our relationship is well documented and I don't want to open old wounds again.

NFC West
When the Arizona Cardinals are the division's dominant team, it might be an off year. I'm excited to see Seattle in the tank this year, although that's mostly due to injuries it would seem. And after only two weeks of Mike Singletary the Head Coach, I have no idea how I got by without him.

AFC East
Our long nightmare ended early this year when Tom Brady went down in the first quarter of the season's first game. Of course, now we have to hear about those plucky Patriots that just won't go away. The four teams in this division could end up tied at the end of the year and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.

AFC North
Wow - it just took me a full 5 minutes to remember who even played in the AFC North - not a real endorsement of the strength of this division. Baltimore might just end up being the division winner. Pittsburgh probably has more talent but their offensive line is just abysmal. The other two teams aren't even worth mentioning - other than to say, I told you so (about Cleveland) - I told you so (about Cleveland)!

AFC South
Two months ago, if I'd told you Kerry Collins would be quarterbacking the Tennessee Titans by week 9 - how many wins would you say they'd have? 3? 4? Would you have said the Indianapolis Colts would be 4-4? I suppose this is why they play the game.

AFC West
It's entirely possible the winner of this division won't have a winning record. I suspect Denver and San Diego will be around .500 - but wow, this division has a chance to be historically bad. Oakland might be the first team in history to fire two coaches in one season (plus have a vampire for an owner). And Kansas City fans only wish we could get rid of our coach.

It Started Off as a Post With No Name, How Did it End Up Like This? How Did it End Up Like This?

NY Jets 26 @ Buffalo 17 – The Jets are like the smell that emanates from my kitchen drain pipes – every time I think it’s gone for good, it pops back up and ruins my day. Don’t look now but there’s a 3-way tie for the AFC East, and Miami’s only a game back.

Houston 21 @ Minnesota 28 – A Hurricane Rosenfels sighting! But even he wasn’t enough to bring down foundations of the Metrodome. Bridges however, he’s all over that:



Green Bay 16 @ Tennessee 19 – This is the type of game that gives the NFL a bad reputation to some. Low scoring, grind it out, beat the will to live out of your opponent football - but I love it. It’s better than watching 7 receivers running before the snap and then spreading out over 12 square miles of turf.

Arizona 34 @ St Louis 13 – Steven, when you say you’re healthy enough to play… play! Only 7 rushing attempts is not healthy enough to play. I hate you. Meanwhile, Arizona takes a stranglehold on their division and is actually a pretty impressive football team. Until Warner gets hurt that is.

Tampa Bay 30 @ Kansas City 27 – Kansas City: Finding New and Innovative ways to lose since 1993. This game was 21-3 for Kansas City in the 2nd quarter. Kansas City, it would seem, is improving – and I’d be lying if I said I was fully excited about that. I want to cheer for a competitive team, but they will never win anything with the current coach/GM combo. It’s a moral conundrum – I don’t want to cheer against my team, but I don’t want to cheer for the status quo either. I’ll shut up now.

Detroit 23 @ Chicago 27 – So close Detroit, so close. You’ll reach that unreachable dream eventually.

Baltimore 37 @ Cleveland 27 – It’s actually nice to see some rookie quarterbacks making an impact this year – both Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan. After the last few years of Alex Smith, JaMarcus Russell and Tavaris Jackson these two are a refreshing change.

Jacksonville 19 @ Cincinnati 21 – And a great cry went up from the banks of the mighty Ohio as the Cincy 11 finally knew the joy of victory. Say Fitzpatrick, their Irishman of a quarterback, “I went to Harvard, I deserve better than this.”

Miami 26 @ Denver 17 – So… 7 wins gets the AFC West? Chiefs and Raiders still mathematically alive with 3 combined wins.

Dallas 14 @ NY Giants 35 – The only thing more satisfying than watching the wheels come off in Big D, is the fact that I predicted this gong show before the season started. Hooray for me.

Philadelphia 26 @ Seattle 7 – Since I have nothing of any value to say about this game, I want to remind you why you love sports:



Atlanta 24 @ Oakland 0 – I mentioned Matt Ryan earlier, and speaking of quarterbacks – can you believe some of the garbage leading teams this season – Gus Ferotte, Brooks Bollinger, Brad Johnson, Seneca Wallace, JT O’Sullivan, Ryan Fitzpatrick. I realize most of those guys are only playing because of injury, but is it really so hard to find a backup with even a little talent?

New England 15 @ Indianapolis 18 – It’s looking like New England/Indianapolis is no longer a prime time matchup. They could have given this one an afternoon start and no one would have batted an eyelash. At least we don’t have to watch Cleveland 3 more times in prime time. What? (NOTE: Cleveland - now with 100% more Brady Quinn!)

Pittsburgh 23 @ Washington 6 – If you’re as sick of hearing about my fantasy team as I think you are, well… you’re probably pretty sick. But let me just say this – I love the Pittsburgh Steelers' defence as much as one man can love 11 other men. Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Everything going to plan I’m going to have a little mid-season review up sometime this week – and to all the fantasy people out there, don’t forget about the Thursday game this week!

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

Happy Halloween to all. Seeing how this is the weekend for fright and ghouls and all that jazz, and kids running around stuffing bags full of candy I have decided to do something a little different with this weeks picks. I have decided to pick what could turn out to be the worst games of the weekend. The most putrid teams that Pro-Line has decided to throw are way will be previewed here. God Forbid they would want to offer up the Texas @ Texas Tech game for us to bet on, instead they have offered up these nuggets of gold. So here they are 5 brown bag specials to stuff full of whatever you would like.

Michigan (2-6) @ Purdue (2–6): Hmmmm let’s see. Ah here we go:


And representing Purdue is


Frightening indeed.

I’ll go with the ladies from Michigan, as Jackie Moon would say “ugly as s**t”. But they have a canoe.

Miami(Fl) (5-3) @ Virginia (5-3): I am not even going to bother searching for ugmo’s at “The U” because they don’t exist. At the University of Virginia however it is a completely different story…..



Virginia gives “The U” a good old-fashioned ugly stick beat down

Auburn (4-4) @ Ole Miss (4-4): Ya this is the worst I could find for Auburn…not really frightening whatsoever…

When I think of Mississippi my thoughts immediately go to something like this


I assume that the only pre-requisite to get into Ole Miss is that you are short at least 3 major chromosomes and enjoy dressing up every Friday night in your finest white ghost costume from Halloween whilst burning lower case “t’s” on lawns. That’ll show those damn richers.

I’ll take Kent Austin and the Rebels to win. I assume there will be some celebratory "burnings" in the woods of Mississippi Saturday night.

Colorado (4-4) @ Texas A&M (3-5): The Buffaloes roam into College Station with this gloomy guss


And whatever the hell this is


Texas A&M counters with this. This picture came from a TAMU website that states she is indeed a grad of said school.


Her last name is Oliphant and she reads Dog Fancy magazine. How fitting. I am probably the only person in the world who finds that so amusing.

I’ll take the Buffaloes and what appears to be their Steven Hawking Love child to win.

Tennessee (3-5) @ So. Carolina (5-3): I was going to use another picture of Pat Summitt here to illustrate the hideousness of this year's Tennessee team, however I believe that reference has been driven into the ground. Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you the 2007 – 08 Lady Vols.


Can you say corn fed?

The Lady Vols are up against the Gamecock gnome



I’ll go with the gnome.

I've Been Through the Desert on a Post With No Name

It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name



(Rip off Neil Young much?)

Oakland 10 @ Baltimore 29 – Don’t look now, but Baltimore is 4-3 and only one game back of Pittsburgh in the AFC North. They’re one serious injury to Ben Roethlisberger away from winning that division.

Arizona 23 @ Carolina 27 – What day is it, October 29? Yup that sounds about right for Arizona to start collapsing. Huge game for them this weekend in St. Louis.

Tampa Bay 9 @ Dallas 13 – What a disgrace of a football game this was. Brad Johnson should no longer be allowed to step on a football field, unless he’s sweeping the field after the game.

Washington 25 @ Detroit 17 – This game was close for awhile and I had my hopes up. But alas, the Lions fall again. Maybe Daunte’s Inferno is going to be the answer


Buffalo 16 @ Miami 25 – What the crap is going on in this division? The stage is continually being set for New England to walk away with this division again.

St. Louis 16 @ New England 23 –Sigh, this is going to stop at some point isn’t it?

San Diego 32 @ New Orleans 37 – I’m not buying it New Orleans, I can’t... don’t make me care about you again!!!!!!!

Kansas City 24 @ NY Jets 28 – DO NOT BE FOOLED, GOOD READER! The Chiefs have not turned a corner, there is no joy in the Show Me State, Tyler Thigpen is not a viable NFL quarterback. They ran a spread offence that the Jets had not prepared for and still lost - and Brett Favre was doing those Brett Favre things, ie: throwing 3 interceptions and leading his team on a 4th quarter game-winning drive. If it seems like I’m rooting for the Chiefs to lose, it’s because I mostly am. That top pick is the only thing keeping me hanging on at this point (yes, I will settle for top three). Suffice it to say, if you see a car with a Chiefs vanity plate on the front careening around the streets of Regina, stay away – I’m dangerously unstable. At least I didn’t invest in that Glenn Dorsey jersey.

Atlanta 14 @ Philadelphia 27 – Donovan, you’ve got a receiver named Kevin Curtis. How about throwing to him every once and awhile, ok? White lightning!!

Cleveland 23 @ Jacksonville 17 – This is usually how pre-season Super Bowl predictions turn out isn’t it? I’m not sure why people even bother.

Cincinnati 6 @ Houston 35 – That Cincinnati/Kansas City game on the last weekend of the season is starting to loom large as the First Overall Draft Pick to the Team That Loses Championship of the World.

NY Giants 21 @ Pittsburgh 14 – So it’s the old, “Your backup long-snapper is your starting defensive end,” play eh? Well played.

Seattle 34 @ San Francisco 13 – No discipline and no effort make Mike Singletary something-something.

Go crazy?

Don’t mind if I do!



Indianapolis 21 @ Tennessee 31 – Thanks to a strong second half from Chris Johnson and some modest effort from Bo Scaife, I was able to scrape out a 2.2 point fantasy victory. I yell at my TV too much.

Ok, because I feel bad about posting that lame rip-off of a song at the beginning - here's a song from the 70's that does not suck. Everyone knows real rock and roll stars play the flute.



That song makes me want to rob a bank - I'm not sure why.

Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby

Well I’m going to try to get back into things. Last week I just wrote a bit about beefing up your qb situation, and though no one got hurt, some might say Brees losing his #1 option in Bush is a big deal. You have to believe one more performance like the one Anderson had will find him on the bench, and with Cleveland going agaisnt a rested Jags defense… a new Brady bunch in the NFL?? Then there’s Brad Johnson, not sure why it happens but when the qb goes down teams sometimes fall to pieces for the first game, not sure why Romo affected their run defense but?? Another guy this week that was one of my sleeper picks that might be in for some trouble Garrard… Cleveland pass def is not that bad and Garrard is not at his best and likely missing 2 wr’s with Matt Jones getting suspended.

Right now in most leagues trades are becoming a big thing, guys at the top are looking for better depth, guys in the middle are looking for a deal that will get them into the playoffs. At this point you have to forget names: Harrison, LJ, Peyton, Holt…etc. People who have them will try to sell you on them but look at the numbers and more importantly look ahead.

LT could have been one of my names to not to get sold on. However, look at his schedule… KC twice, Oaktown, Atl, Indy and Denver. Each one of those games he could easily get 100+ yards and 1-2 TD’s. Then you have Brandon Jacobs… look at his last matchups.. Wash, Phil, Dallas, Car, Minny. Not the best matchups for a RB.

Anyways on to the week ahead


I’ll leave you guessing about that one till the end.

I really didn’t want to touch this game with any kind of bet be it over/under, spread, fantasy picks. But the game is in London and well I did just see this episode so.



The problem is which teams show up, does Colston the #1 wr actually get a catch? Do Rivers and Brees the 2 top qb’s in the league light it up or dial it in? I really have no clue and have flipped around this many times, after writing I’ll change again. SD has put up stinkers this season, but they have come back with good games… N.O.?? We don’t know they’ve lost but never like that. People may blame it on Bush being out, but last year without Vush and McCalister, Brees put up multiple 300+ yards and at least 2 td’s in 3 of his past 4 games… he likes to throw. So for that reason start the wr’s for NO, on the other side LT I think will have finally have a good game, though Rivers…he’s kind of in a funk and with Chambers likely out, if you have a good second option go with it. I’d proably sit McCalister just cause it will be an air show, and his whole steroid thing coming out may become an issue.

This is a picture of TE Todd Yoder’s injury looks painful and I’m sure it is. He suffered this during last week’s game trying to get down field on a punt and make a tackle.


So Lions and Redskins. Should be a pretty one sideded game and yeah that’s it no counter argument. Calvin Johnson could be the interesting point… He put up good numbers last week, but if I had him I’d be trying to get rid of him. They played Houston and all of his points came on one 96 yd play, when the game was decided. Washington I have to believe is better defensively and yeah Calvin is a sit candidate, if you start 3 wr’s however…he’ll be a decent #3. Of course your going to start Portis and Santana, but look for Randel el to put up some numbers maybe even throw a touchdown. This week we’ll probably see a lot more of Alexander, not worth starting but if he does good he’ll be snapped up off the waiver wire pretty quickly.

Can you guess which guy in this picture is a current NFL running back.


Guy on the left is actually Eddie George, but anyway Marshmellow lit it up last week and this coming week they get the Colts, who are terrible against the run. I was hoping that Sanders was coming back, in fact I picked up Indy’s defense for that reason and in the league there’s only waiver pickups once a week so now I’m stuck with them. This game I still don’t think will be close, but I’m not the resident game picker. This will all be about Manning, so start any of his wr’s/te, even Rhodes is worth a start even though the Titans are top against the run. Because I think that Indy’s offense will come out blazing, The Titans won't be able to keep to their run game. Chris Johnson is still a start, but Lendal he might get a TD but I would consider him at best a #3rb this week. Kerry Collins or any of the wr’s whomever they are, are also a sit. I’m thinking this game is a blowout and only Indy players are worth starting, this week.


So the mystery women was Carmella DeCesare, 2004 Playboy playmate of the year. Love that name Cesare… anyways she’s married to a man Terry Bradshaw once called the ugliest guy in the NFL - Jeff Garcia. (ED. Note - I believe the correct term is 'beard' not 'wife') This week Tampa plays Dallas, I like the Cowboys but this is going to be a tough matchup. Johnson was horrible against the Rams last week, and he’s not going to have a bounce back game, Marian Barber is a start but don’t expect much from him. The only guy I might consider as a flier would be Roy Williams, he’s had 2 weeks with the offense and should know it by now. On the other side, Garcia is a start this week he’ll spread the ball around enough that no 1 wr will get all the looks, but if you have Antonio Bryant get him in your lineup. Earnest is a definite start but I’d hold back on Dunn, he really hasn’t done too much and there may be a Caddy appearance this week.

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

It appears that Cooper has made his way back from the wilderness and is here to ponder the questions that have vexed man since the dawn of time - namely, how exactly does one tie a noose?

Well I am finally back in the land known as hell after my 10-day stay at fantasy camp. A fantasy camp without Microsoft word on the staff computer, but still a fantasy camp nonetheless. Before I get to this weekend's picks I must apologize for my pick of Mizzou over Texas. After Colt McCoy made the game 28 – 0 for Texas the phrase “I thought the Generals were due” passed my lips no less than 8 times. So for that lousy pick please accept my sincere apologies and let me restate, I thought the Generals were due!

After spending some time in the north forgive me if I over estimate the attractiveness of some of the co-eds that I find this week.

#2 Alabama (7-0) @ Tennessee (3-4): Alabama ranked 2nd in the nation behind Texas rolls into Knoxville to face a disappointing Volunteer team. I have read that this southern belle attended the University of Alabama.


(ED. NOTE - Now how does that have anything to do with Alabama football)

The disappointment of Tennessee this year can be summed up with Pat Summitt and one of her lady Vols.


I’ll take Alabama to win.

#23 Boston College (5-1) @ N. Carolina (5-2): Well Boston College comes into this game represented by these



While the Tar Heals counter with this group


A tough decision yes, but I will have to go with Boston College

#8 Texas Tech (7-0) @ #19 Kansas (5-2): Texas Tech comes into this game with one of the nations best offenses, powered by Graham Harrell, Michael Crabtree and the Texas Tech Swim team


The Jayhawks on the other hand have home field advantage and a little thing called the Mangino factor


Even though I am pulled towards picking Kansas, undoubtedly due to Mangino’s own gravitational pull I am still going to go with Texas Tech.

#9 Georgia (6-1) @ #11 LSU (5-1):Both these teams have been featured numerous times before so it is getting to be slim pickins on quality coeds to post for each school.

Yet again the University of Georgia’s coed body is represented by these two fine ladies


While LSU is represented with the following trio


I will have to go with LSU in this one as well as go get me some rollerblades

And finally this week's Brown Bag Special. Beneath the cover of the brown bag this week is the match up between the Minnesota Golden Gophers and the Purdue Boilermakers.

#25 Minnesota (6-1) @ Purdue (2-5): When we peer inside the brown bag this week we can see the Minnesota is represented by this supposed pack of stampeding elephants


And Purdue is represented by them


The decision here is similar to the choice one would make when confronted with a shark. Do you a) Swim away from the shark to save your life. Or b) Swim headfirst into the shark accepting that all hope is lost.

At present time I would have to go with plan b) Just give up and aim right for the shark.

I will take Minnesota to win

So if you will excuse me I should be getting back to reality, picking up some sports selects, putting up my feet and enjoying some college football. Hey look a length of rope.

The Post With No Name That Haunts Your Dreams

Oh wait, it's just me.

Duly noted.

San Diego 14 @ Buffalo 23 – Norv, I’m not sure what Scott Linehan, Mike Nolan and Lane Kiffin are up to these days but maybe you want to give them a call? You’re going to need a Sunday support group before too long.

New Orleans 7 @ Carolina 30 – New Orleans… I’m not sure how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. We’re through. I’ve been wishing nothing but the best for you over the last three years, but you make a fool of me time and time again. So I think it’s best we don’t see each other anymore. Sure I might keep your number in my phone and call you late at night sometime – lonely, tired and needing some fantasy football players. But this just isn’t working.

Minnesota 41 @ Chicago 48 – How many different way could I have been wrong about this game? How did those two offenses score that many points on those two defenses? I suppose if the league were entirely predictable there would be no reason to watch anymore.

Pittsburgh 38 @ Cincinnati 10 – Keith Rivers’ jaw? Meet Hines Ward.


Tennessee 34 @ Kansas City 10 – The time has come to load up a dump truck with crisp $100 bills, drive it to Bill Cowher’s house and dump it on his driveway. The Kansas City franchise is becoming a disgrace – how do you let LenDale White score untouched on an 80-yard run? He was eating a hoagie as he was running down the field for goodness sake. And Brodie Croyle as the quarterback of the future? How’s that working out? In the 12 games he’s played as a professional, he’s been knocked out of 4 of them with injury. The only silver lining about his latest injury is that he’s done for the year… and probably forever as a Chief.

Baltimore 27 @ Miami 13 – Miami did beat New England this year, right? In New England? I didn’t just dream that? I wonder where that team went.

San Francisco 17 @ NY Giants 29 – Sorry Mike, your snappy suits just aren’t enough to keep you around here anymore. We found a new Mike to fill in for you.

Dallas 14 @ St Louis 34 – It’s starting to look like drafting Steven Jackson at #5 in my fantasy draft wasn’t such a bad decision after all. And they scoffed at me when I passed on Joseph Addai. Of course, on the flip side – I also have Terrell Owens. Try relying on Brad Johnson to win fantasy games – not a good experience I assure you.

Detroit 21 @ Houston 28 – I was visibly upset when no Detroit quarterback inadvertently ran out of the back of the endzone this week. That’s easily my Play of Year so far – obviously, as I can’t stop talking about it. In fact:


I’m going to be like Kornheiser and the Trampoline Bear with this video.

Indianapolis 14 @ Green Bay 34 – In my defense, I thought this game was being played in Indy when I picked the games on Friday. In hindsight, I don’t think it would have made any difference if I had known. Indy is finished. (Of course, now they’re going 11-5)

NY Jets 13 @ Oakland 16 – Remember when I said the Jets could get to 10 wins this season? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Although Kansas City this week will help.

Cleveland 11 @ Washington 14 – Most boring game of the season or most boring game of the season?

Seattle 10 @ Tampa Bay 20 – Did you know Starbucks was founded in Seattle?

Denver 7 @ New England 41 – Wow, Denver has now decided to field a high school football apparently (as evidenced by the fact that Kansas City beat them). Their tackling last night was just embarrassing. They have better tackling at cricket matches for crying out loud: