Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

Ed. Note - Cooper is apparently stuck in Mongolia this week, as he does not have access to a word processing program. So Coach Cooper Hates Your Team will not be airing in it's entirity this weekend. He's still sent in picks and I might add some pictures if I find the wherewithall.


My 5 picks for the week are:

Missouri over Texas
LSU over South Carolina
Alabama over Ole Miss
Georgia Tech over Clemson

and the Brown Bagger will be

Navy over Pitt

This:

Over this:

Nope, Still No Name - Try Back Next Week

Chicago 20 @ Atlanta 22: Great Finish of the Week #1 - Jason Elam goes from goat to hero in about 35 seconds and we're all deprived of Captain Neckbeard celebrating on the town in Hotlanta.

Miami 28 @ Houston 29: Great Finish of the Week #2 - A game-winning quarterback draw on 4th and goal? What is this, the CFL?

Baltimore 3 @ Indianapolis 31: I was wrong about this game, dead wrong - just ask my Pro Line ticket.

Detroit 10 @ Minnesota 12: Great Finish of the Week #3 - You know what would be hilarious - if a team's quarterback inexplicably ran out of the back of the endzone for a safety and then his team lost by two points. That would be awesome - wait, what?

Oakland 3 @ New Orleans 34: I don't care if it was against Oakland, Drew Brees played that game as close to perfect as a quarterback can.

Cincinnati 14 @ NY Jets 26: Somebody's got to let the Bengals win a game - they're not going to do it on their own and Kansas City already has a win. We've got to stay in the running for the #1 pick.

Carolina 3 @ Tampa Bay 27: Again, I was wrong about this game - see again: my Pro Line ticket.

St. Louis 19 @ Washington 17: Great Finish of the Week #4 - Losing to St. Louis in the regular season should automatically eliminate you from playoff contention.

Jacksonville 24 @ Denver 17: I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to come up with something clever/funny/interesting to say about this game... ... ...

Dallas 24 @ Arizona 30: Great Finish of the Week #5 - Uh oh... the wheels are starting to come off in Dallas. I'd be a lot more upset about what that means for my fantasy team if it weren't for the fact that I called the Dallas implosion before the season started.

Philadelphia 40 @ San Francisco 26: I think this game was sort of close for the most part... I don't know, maybe not.

Green Bay 27 @ Seattle 17: I'm very happy that Seattle has finally jumped the shark. No more making the playoffs every year just by being the best team in the worst division in football.

New England 10 @ San Diego 30: This reminds be of an old joke, "What do you call New England losing by 20?"... "A good start."

NY Giants 14 @ Cleveland 35: Meh, I'm not buying Cleveland just yet. You'll always be over rated to me.

Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby

Well the question came up who would be #1 if the draft was held now… of which I don’t want to talk about because I have that said running back made of tin foil and turkey bones in 2 leagues. When he plays he’s #1 back, but he’ll be out the next 2 games which means only playing 3 out of 7 so not helping anyone out. As I’ve said before it depends on the league… if your in a points per reception league Reggie Bush and Gore get a boost. Some leagues don’t give you points for return TD’s (majority), but some do. In my one league I have Wayne, TJ, and Jennings... sounds like a good trio, but Higgins for Oakland is my #2 wr because of return yards, in any other league he’s not even picked up off the waiver.

In a draft today, LT and AP are probably still taken in the top 5 even though they may not deserve to be, but they are capable of huge things. Portis should be up there to, but the division he plays in would scare people from taking him as the top guy.

Reggie Bush, yeah another top back. The guys who picked him up early (1st round) and were laughed at during the draft are laughing now, but without the return td’s I don’t think he a top rb, maybe top 10 but with return yards or td’s... yeah at this point a top 3.

Turner though he’s the top guy right now, I wouldn’t be taking him as #1, probably not in the top #5. He’s got more than half his yards and 5/6 td’s playing against Detroit and the Chiefs. For those reasons I’m not taking him in the top.

My 5 right now would probably be Portis, Barber, Gore, AP, LT. Westbrook might still make it in despite his injuries. If you believe after week 7 he’ll be good, which he should be as far as ribs and ankle is concerned, then he moves up to #1 probably. On the bubble is Bush, Lynch, Forte.

Alright so onto the picks. Last week went alright. It was the receivers that killed me, though Reggie Brown did get 84 yards… that might be #3 wr material but I’ll call that a lose. Brees got eaten by the purple people eaters (Moore and Meacham were terrible). Trent Edwards may have proved me wrong but got hurt in the first quarter so if you sat him good for you... (I see the Jim Jams went against the advice and got .72 points for the week… tisk tisk)

Now some might say sure you did, but because of time and lack of pics I didn’t put the Carolina game in last week. LJ would have been the sit, who knew that bad, but Carolina had previously played against LT, Adrian and forte…no 100 yrd rushers no td’s. Some of you may have noticed I picked up and played Carolina's defense for that reason last week.

On to this week…


This is Reggie Bush’s gal, Kim Kardashian. I wonder what he sees in her ????? Anyway the Saints play Oaktown. Oakland is coming off a bye which means they could win this game and that is scary but as The Editor said, New Orleans is the worst talented team. Huggy Bear Jr. will be starting this week so he’s a good start, and I’ll go again with Meacham. I would sit Henderson he’s a burner. He plays good one week, people get excited then he does nothing for a couple, he gets dropped and then he’ll have a breakout game again… I got fooled once but from now on I won't pay any attention to him.


The size of grapefruits. No further comments. Other than he probably will not be playing this week so start another TE. Since we started with if the draft was held now… do you think he’d still be #2 TE. Maybe still in top 10 but not very good. It’s a bad matchup for the Browns, I really want to say start Anderson but. If Winslow is out, who’s Anderson going to throw to? Add that to Jamal doing nothing. I will go out on a limb with Braylon though… he took the bye week and learned how to catch again so things should be good. On the other side Eli and Jacobs are must star and even the Toomer.


So the Redskins are doing not bad... Cooley finally had his breakout game and this week look for that to continue cause they get every team's whipping boy… the Rams. So start any offensive player - Randel El start, Campbell start. I actually can't think of anyone on either side I’d sit. Steven Jackson and holt should do good. If anyone I’d sit Bulger. Taylor will two-step past the O-line and mamba the bulge all day.


Travis Henry won't be playing ever again but he was with the Broncos last so some connection... Denver plays the Jags and this could be another real boring game. I have never watched an exciting Jags game and doubt I ever will in the near future. Fragile ‘no more’ Fred should see lots of action, as well as MJD. I think Garrard could have a big game just cause it’s Denver but he’s struggled bad this year so show him to the bench. Marshall finally came back down to earth but don’t sit him -he’s good for a td this week. The running backs, sit for sure… Pittman I believe will be the starter so that’s an indication that they won't do that well. Stokley might see more action because of the Scheffler injury but I wouldn’t start him this week. 1 good game doesn’t warrant a trip to the starting line up.

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

Sadly, due to time restraints I will have to fore go any in-depth analysis of this weekends prime college football games. Last week I went 4 – 1, bringing my season total to 12 – 8. I was fortunate to win a sweet $220.00 on a $2.00 Proline on Saturday, having picked the tie for Vanderbilt - Auburn, as well as the Florida St – Miami game. Sorry TH, no 360 yet. A fool is the man who brags to his spouse about his lofty Pro-Line gains. Hopefully, I can get enough cash this weekend to get that 360. On to the picks.

(ED. NOTE - Since Cooper is busy and I'm currently laying on my couch, I'll pitch in and see what sort of questionable pictures the internets can produce today.)

#2 Oklahoma (5 – 0) @ #5 Texas (5 – 0): I will take the Sooners in this one, even though I am reminded every time this game comes around of a little Texas saying about how you can’t spell c********r without OU. I am sure there are plenty coeds who partake at both schools.








South Carolina (4 - 2) @ Kentucky (4 - 1): In an inept offensive game I will take Kentucky to win. Playing the tie would be a prudent idea.






#23 Michigan St (5 – 1) @ Northwestern (5 – 0): I will take the State in this one.





Tennessee (2 – 3) @ #10 Georgia (4 – 1): I will take Georgia to win and cover the – 12.5





And here is my Brown Bagger for the week:

#13 Vanderbilt (5 – 0) @ Mississippi St (1 – 4): In another low scoring game I will take Mississippi St to win. Play the tie the whole way.

I Predict a Riot - Week 6 in the NFL

It’s the Take Me to the Riot Edition



CHICAGO @ ATLANTA: Did you know that Michael Turner is the leading rusher in the NFL? Did you also know that LaDanian Tomlinson is 13th in rushing? I think it’s safe to say there will a new #1 pick next year in fantasy drafts around the world. LDT might still be a top 3 pick next year but, depending on how the rest of this season plays out, I don’t think he’s going to be the consensus #1 again. We’ll have to get Trebor to weigh in on this, but if you had the #1 pick, who do you take? I suppose it’s Adrian Peterson. LDT might have jumped the shark, Brian Westbrook seems to be comprised of tin foil and dry turkey bones and Tom Brady is coming off major knee surgery. I think it’s a pretty interesting discussion and one I’m prepared to start having – it’s sure better than talking about a game between the Bears and Falcons anyway. A guy who I think has top 3 potential next year is Clinton Portis – why not him? He’s durable and he’s an undisputed #1 back, which is hard to come by these days. Here’s one more bold prediction: Matt Forte is a top 10 pick next year.
Winner: Chicago

CAROLINA @ TAMPA BAY: Wow, can I please continue the fantasy football discussion? I have nothing interesting to say about either one of these teams. I will say I’m surprised at how well Jake Delhomme is playing. For a guy with a newly reconstructed elbow he’s not doing too badly. He’s not lighting it up by any means but I thought he would start really slowly and come on later in the year. Maybe it’ll be just the opposite and he’ll fade down the stretch. You know, now that I’m thinking about it, I almost hope this game is on TV this weekend – it’s for the division lead and might not be all that bad of a game.
Winner: Tampa Bay

ST LOUIS @ WASHINGTON: It’s a Jim Jam of the highest order – Jim Zorn vs. Jim Haslett. I… I apologize, that might have been the worst thing I’ve ever written. Nothing will make up for it, except this…


Me’sa so sorry. Me’sa neber do it again.

So Jim Haslett is going to right the ship in St. Louise eh? *cough* Aaron Brooks *cough* He’s been the defensive coordinator for the Rams for the past couple seasons and how has that gone? How many points did they give up in Week 1? 38, that’s how many – and 41 in week 2. The only cure for this situation is more backward passes
Winner: Washington

CINCINNATI @ NY JETS: I would not be surprised in the least to see the Jets lose this game. Of course I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Bengals lose by 40 either. Brett Favre has the highest passer rating in the NFL, any bets on how long that’s going to last
Winner: New York

BALTIMORE @ INDIANAPOLIS: Oh my goodness, the Colts just won’t go away. They could legitimately be 0-4, at least 1-3 if not for Hurricane Rosenfels last weekend. I have a feeling that Baltimore’s defence is going to kick Indianapolis in the teeth this weekend… at least I hope so. The only that would make this game interesting to me is if Marvin Harrison and Ray Lewis got together at mid-field and discussed whether stabbing or shooting was the best way to off somebody.
Winner: Baltimore

DETROIT @ MINNESOTA: It’s going to be interesting to see if we can have 3 win less teams in the NFL this season. I know there are 4 at the moment, but at least Houston has been in their last two games. Yes you could say that about Cincinnati too, but I think they’re finished – that loss last weekend took the life out of them. But Detroit and St. Louis are genuinely terrible teams and now Jon Kitna might be out for this weekend’s game. Dang it Kansas City, why’d you have to win a game? Now you’re probably out of the running for the #1 overall pick.
Winner: Minnesota

OAKLAND @ NEW ORLEANS: Ummmm... take the over. There probably won’t be a whole lot of defence played in this game. This will be Tom Cable’s first game as interim head coach of the Raiders and it’ll be interesting to see how long it takes before Count Al is feasting on Cable’s delicious, life-giving blood.
Winner: New Orleans

MIAMI @ HOUSTON: Pretty soon the only play Miami is going to run is the Wildcat. They’ll probably line Ronnie Brown up behind center about 137 times this weekend. Although if Hurricane Rosenfels plays again this weekend Miami won’t even have to score on offence to beat the Texans by about 21.
Winner: Miami

JACKSONVILLE @ DENVER: You know Carolina was the trendy preseason Super Bowl pick over the last couple years? That’s you this year Jacksonville – and you’re going to end up about the same 7-9 and out of the playoffs.
Winner: Denver

DALLAS @ ARIZONA: Storm’s a brewin’ in Dallas – T.O.’s weeping on the sidelines, Pacman’s breaking the law again, Romo seems to be regressing. It’s going to be a mighty fine thing to just stand back and watch. Could you imagine what would happen if they lose to Arizona and St. Louis in back-to-back weeks? Jerry Jones would shed his skin, assume his true serpentine form and devour the entire earth.


Winner: Dallas

GREEN BAY @ SEATTLE: It’s the Holmgren bowl! Free mustaches for the victorious team’s fans.


Winner: Green Bay

PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO: You can go ahead and make up something to say about this game – I have nothing.
Winner: Philadelphia

NEW ENGLAND @ SAN DIEGO: Could someone else just go ahead and beat New England please. I know it probably won’t be you San Diego, but I just thought I’d ask anyway.
Winner: New England

NY GIANTS @ CLEVELAND: These two teams played each other in the preseason and I think the Giants were up 34-0 at the end of the first quarter. I don’t it’ll be quite that bad this time, but it’ll be close. Thank goodness for Cleveland they get to play Cincinnati twice this season, otherwise they might be on that list of teams to go win less. I’ve never been so happy to have been right about a team.


Winner: New York

The Continuing Mis-Adventures of Napoleon in Rags, or A Series of Unfortunate Haircuts

I know everyone nobody has been wondering when my seemingly extended leave of absence was going to end and the answer is – right now. And here’s a rare trip through the looking glass for all you blog readers out there, over the past 3 weeks or so I’ve been going through a period of self-inflicted employment turmoil. After going through several job interviews over that time, I was wound tighter than a snare drum left out in the sun after a rainstorm – case in point, I’m not sure that metaphor even makes any sense. Because let’s be honest, even one job interview is one too many. Yes it’s good to have opportunities, but after losing a loved one and chronic illness, job interviews are the worst thing in the world. The moral of the story is: own your own business. Or, don’t ever get a job. It’s a toss up.

Anyway, after my third day on the new job, I’m wound 1% less tightly than I was a week ago – so I’m going to take a stab at being funny again. Although, I suppose the word “again” in that last sentence implies I was funny to begin with, so take from that whatever you want.

In addition to Cooper and Trebor’s great weekly features – and let’s give them both a big round of applause for shouldering the load over the past few weeks, good job on both of you - what I’m hoping to do is resurrect the ever-popular “I Predict a Riot” running feature to appear on either Thursdays or Fridays.

As well I’m planning on doing a Tuesday run-down post of the previous weekend’s NFL action. The way it looks in my head right now, it’ll be one sentence – max two – about each of the games. The only problem is, I don’t know what to call it.

But you know what, since I’m feeling chipper – let’s give it a try right now, title or no title. Even though it's Wednesday

TEN 13 @ BAL 10 – What’s more scary, the thought that Kerry Collins might lead a team to the Super Bowl or the realization that he’s done it once before?

SD 10 @ MIA 17 – Remember when I said I didn’t want Chad Pennington to quarterback the Chiefs? I was wrong, so very, very wrong.

WAS 23 @ PHI 17 – I dislike the Redskins, and I’m not really sure why. Is Clinton Portis the most underrated player in the league? I’ll answer it for you… yes.

SEA 6 @ NYG 44 – Watched this game – it was a drubbing of the highest order. It seemed like all 3 of New York’s running backs had 100 yards.

IND 31 @ HOU 27 – Fun fact: Hurricane Rosenfels injured more people than Hurricane Ike – look it up.

KC 0 @ CAR 34 – F*&% you Herm Edwards and you too Carl Peterson. Matt Flynn was available in the 7th round of the draft and you didn’t take him (or any of the other QB’s available late in the draft). Now he’s Green Bay’s backup and probably an upgrade over any of the other useless carcasses you’re putting behind center. A rebuilding project doesn’t work unless you have a quarterback to build around – I hate you both so much. (Yes, yes – that was more than 2 sentences, start your own blog and complain about it).

ATL 27 @ GB 24 – I don’t care, I still don’t believe in Atlanta *puts fingers in ears, starts whistling Superstition by Stevie Wonder*



CHI 34 @ DET 7 – I love that Bears are rolling because it just expedites the inevitable Kyle Orton booze-soaked picture relapse. Long live the Neckbeard.

TB 13 @ DEN 16 – Both of these teams should be chained to a big rock and dropped in the Atlantic – I have no use for either of them.

BUF 17 @ ARI 41 – The meteoric rise of the Cardinals is going to make their inevitable collapse all the more spectacular. But someone has to win that division, right? Are teams with losing records allowed in the playoffs?

NE 30 @ SF 21 – Don’t worry Pats fans, if you’re giving up 21 points to the 49ers, you probably weren’t going to win the Super Bowl anyway.

CIN 22 @ DAL 31 – Even though they’ve fought it off for the past couple weeks, the Dallas implosion (or explosion, but not offensive) is coming, you can feel it in the air like the coming of spring.

PIT 26 @ JAC 21 – For a game that was decided in the last few minutes this game was incredi…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

MIN 30 @ NO 27 – If you broke the NFL down into talented and untalented teams, New Orleans would be the worst talented team in the league. Do with that information whatever you will.

Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby

So last week I picked things up a bit going 6 / 10 for starts and 7 / 9 for sits. Big hits were sitting Antonio Bryant and Mendenhall. Also starting Perry or Ocho Cinco. Big misses... who knew that Bowe wouldn’t put up numbers or that LenDale ‘marshmellow’ White would get 13 yrds rushing but 1 TD.

As I was back in Regina spreading the news about Trebor junior, I was told that I need pictures... so the format has changed. I’m not going to post pictures of cheerleaders... though I’m thinking pics of players wives could be a good way to pick??? Instead I’ll try and find pics that have something to do with an NFL team and then pick players from that team’s matchup on Sunday.

So this is Kendra..


She’s from the quality show - Girls Next Door. She’s dating Hef, but apparently is engaged to Hank ‘drop it in my’ Basket. There’s the loose connection.

This week Philly plays Washington. So my sits would be Campbell, as he will see a ton of pressure. Also Buckhalter since Westbrook might play. Won't know until 5 minutes before game, but even if Westbrook is out, Buckhalter has minimal value and better rb’s can be found. For starters, give Reggie Brown the nod this week, he’s back from his injury and should get a lot of balls thrown his way.

Don’t you wish that you could wear whatever you wanted with the fact that no one could say anything to you… case in point.


Guess what, this guy plays on the defensive line. I know you were probably thinking corner, but yeah DL. He used to play for the Saints but now he just sits at the Crab Shack eating Crabbie Patties.

So in the game NO vs Minny. Start Ferotte, not sure who he throws to but he can put up numbers. Then on the other side start Robert Meacham or Lance Moore, the first won't get a lot of receptions but is targeted in the red zone so both are good #3 wr’s.

Because Youtube is blocked at work and my home comp sucks I’m hoping editor can post this hit.

(ED. NOTE - Ask and ye shall receive)

Not a good one if you don’t like seeing people get hurt, but the videos I can watch on the web are mostly skaters and bikers and guess what they’re doing? The hit makes you cringe definitely and your not going to laugh like when the biker mis-times his jump and hilarity and blood ensues. Anyway, in Arizona Warner had 6 turnovers last week, I’d be a bit worried since Buffalo is looking really good this year. I wouldn’t run and start Breaston if Boldin doesn’t play. I don’t see this being a high scoring game. Gotta sit Edge this week, he get’s no TD's and that’s what counts. I’d also sit Edwards this week, his numbers against the Rams kinda sucked and this week Arizona gets Adrian Wilson back. In my IDP league he’s been a must start for the last 2 weeks so with him back the secondary gets a lot better.

How can I have loosely related pics without a pic of my girl... sweet sweet Jessica.


So this week she’s out shopping for engagement rings. I see this as a great move by Romo, when your getting blitzed with ‘when are we gonna get married’, ‘did you see my sisters ring’, ‘no more putting out until were engaged’, what do you do. If you drop back too much you’ll be under too much pressure and might cave or worse yet drop the ball and whoops, you got 9 months to get married now. You can run but that is only so good. So what you do is lull them in, make them think they’ve got you then hit them with the screen pass... birthday present – fishing pole, Christmas – fake promise ring (what was I thinking).

Oh yeah, weekend pics... Ocho cinco did as I predicted get his first TD last week. This week he’s back on the bench along with the rest of the Bengals, Dallas is mad and Cincy doesn’t have a qb. After TO had his vent session you gotta believe he’ll see some balls thrown his way, but what about this Miles Austin guy? He’s a start in deeper leagues for sure.

And this picture is just too good not to post.


Photo from 289.com

The Raiders after starting the week off on a high they inevitably falter in the last quarter and end up losing going into the bye week. The offensive coordinator is then put on notice, and told any day your going to get fired and I’ll drink your blood.