Saturday, August 16, 2008

32 Teams in 30-Some Days - Atlanta Falcons

The Atlanta Falcons

Amy: So, Fry, Atlanta was an American city in your time?
Fry: I think it was just an airport. They had a place where you could buy nuts.
Umbriel: No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just a Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis, the equal of Paris or New York.
Fry: That's right, honey! Whatever you say.
Umbriel: Look at these fabulous ruins. Turner Field, the Coca-Cola bottling plant, the, uh, the airport.

I sort of wish Atlanta was at the bottom of the ocean right now - at least then I wouldn't have to write this stupid preview.

In fact, I have absolutely nothing to say about the Falcons - they could probably not show up to any of their games this season and I wouldn't notice. Yes they drafted Matt Ryan number 3 overall in draft - but there's really no reason at all for him to see much of the field this season. They going to be awful no matter what, so why ruin him early?

Instead of the drudgery of a Falcons preview I'm putting up videos of all those 90's fad-rap songs we knew and loved - mostly just because I can. In fact, I think I'm going to rank them by how well they hold up today.

#1 - "Jump Jump" by Kriss Kross

This might be a surprise #1 to some people, but what can I say? It's still a good song. Great beat and those backwards kids could actually rap a bit. Although I can't believe wearing your jeans backwards was ever cool - even if it was only for about 5 minutes.

#2 - "Jump Around" by House of Pain

This is probably #1 on most people's lists - but it gets bumped down to number 2 here. Although it might be the best opening 30 seconds of any song, ever.

#3 - "Informer" by Snow

Do you still remember the first time you said to yourself, "Wait, he's white?" It was a seminal moment in all of our lives - we all had to grow up sometime. Informer has a good beat but I still think he's just making up the "words" as he goes. This might actually be the better song:

#4 - Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

This... this is really not anywhere as good as it used to be. For Ice Ice Baby to be enjoyable it needs to be played at maximum volume so the bass line can be enjoyed at its best. Although I do love Vanilla Ice wearing his University of Miami sweatshirt in the video - he's so hardcore. The opening David Bowie/Queen sample is probably the only reason this song was popular in the first place. I'm obviously getting older because I think Ice Ice Baby is weak and this is a great song:

#5 - Can't Touch This by MC Hammer

Awful, just awful. I can't believe people used to listen to this and enjoy it - myself included. With all the others I can still listen to them and remember what I liked about each one. But not Can't Touch This. No wonder this guy went broke, nobody wanted to hear this stupid song ever again. At least the other songs get put on party mixes and are played at block parties and ugly people's weddings. Super Freak is a better song for goodness sake.

Now that I've met my yearly quota of YouTube clips, I've got an aside:

Hey Mongolia - why don't you just go suck it!?!! We're rolling with our 4 medals now. You're next Azerbaijan!! CAN-A-DA!! CAN-A-DA!! CAN-A-DA!!


Trebor said...

2 things one realted to atlanta.... in the past 4 or 5 years whoever placed last in the NFC south finished first the following year. Carolina was the first when they made their superbowl run, the NO came out of nowehere and last year was the bucs. The streak has a great chance of being broken this year but ??

The other thing last night MJD fumbled the ball on Miami's 1 yard line and guess where it went?? The ruling was: The ball went through the back of the endzone resulting in a touchback. Miami's ball on the 20.

Ken Clean-Air Systems said...

There is no chance that Atlanta wins that division this year - none. You can take that to the bank.

I did see that MJD play as well. That just seems like the logical call. But maybe that's just me - and every other sane person in the world.

Also - Hey Azerbaijan, what's that you see up ahead pulling away into the distance? That's Canada baby!! You're next Kazakhstan!!1!11!!

Anonymous said...

Not that this has anything to do with Atlanta (other than the 84 Olympics) or the NFL but I watched Simon Whitfield take the silver in the men's Triathalon last night. It was one of the gutsiest performances that I had witnessed in quite some time. The little guy from Victoria closed on the bigger younger guns in the last 2.5 k of the 10 k run and for a fleeting moment had the gold with about 200 meters to go but couldn't hang on. Made my proud to be a Canadian.

Anonymous said...

Man, really want to know how can you be that smart, lol...great read, thanks.