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"Sadly, photographs do not exist, only apocryphal tales told by former hockey men who are, as you know, unreliable due to their zombie-like stupidity and puck-fever."
- John Hodgman
Last week I told you all about the vast, yet seedy world of professional cricket, this week I will tell you all about my first ever experience at the Saskatchewan EMS Hockey "Invitational" Tournament. I use the word "Invitational" because, I was, as you may be surprised to know, invited to play.
First off I would like to send many thanks to the fine people at Moose Jaw and District EMS for allowing me to wear the fine colours of the Moose Jaw and District EMS Warriors. Also congrats for putting on such a fine event.
Now with all the formalities out of the way I will give a recap of the 3 days that were. The only proper way to read this entry is to have the following music play in the background, which is available on youtube.com. The link has been provided. Please open this link and then begin reading as the music commences. This is the only way to really appreciate and understand how the tournament went. I thank my literary and sports-talk celeb idol Steve Czaban for the idea of adding this catchy tune. Enjoy. (Editor's Note: Right click on the link and select Open in New Window to enjoy both the blog and the corresponding music at the same time).
Day One: -Check in to the Heritage Inn, go straight to the hospitality room where I meet with some ruffians from Moose Jaw and North Battleford. A drinking game called "Moose" which involves an ice-tray and a quarter ensues; Kelly and me start pounding back doubles. Never a good choice. Go to Champs downtown…….time passes…..attempt to play pool……more time passes……?????
Day Two: -Awake at 7:30 for an 8 am game vs Prince Albert….my face is covered in a gooey substance, so is the carpet, and the bathroom floor and shower curtain, sincere apologies to the staff at the Heritage Inn.
-Stop at McD’s and get some McGriddles before going to the crushed can…..so syrupy and good. Gooey substance violently re-appears.
-I am informed that I got us thrown out of Casino Moose Jaw a few hours earlier….of this I have no memory of, so therefore it never happened!
-I am also informed that I blew any chance that Kelly and I had of scoring with these two chicks we were chatting up at Champs after I tried to seal the deal by proclaiming that we were both happily married with kids. I am sure that they were, as Johnny Upton would say in Slapshot, "F*&king Horrible Looking".
-Game time! I am supposed to play defence but a scheduling conflict has me dress for goal. I can barely stand let alone skate. I think I made 4 saves on 7 shots….still pretty hazy. Real goalie shows up….I get redressed. As a defenseman I score 2 goals…. on own goal. Pathetic! Think I broke my ribs. I get a penalty shot…no need to mention anymore. We lose 11-3? Or 10-5?
Not too sure on the final score, or how I got to the game.
-Game 2 vs Battleford. I am sobered up, but I think I am bleeding inside my chest! Play centre and score the first two goals of the game…on the opposing net this time. Goaltender from Battleford crosschecks me in the back of the head. F*$k You Toovey!! We come up on the losing end 7-5.
-Many people end up in the drunk tank after this night…thankfully I am not one of them. I go back home to my loving wife and abusive son to recover.
Day Three: -Game vs Saskatoon. I am scheduled to play goal for both games today but I am terrible. We lost 8-7. I am terribly disappointed in Skilliter. I honestly thought he would man up and try and fight me or try and drive me through the back of the net during the shootout. I assume he left his "stones" at home. However I hear he picked up a dynamite blond the night before. Kudos to you!
-Game vs. Moose Jaw team #2. We are relegated to play in the "D" side final. Moose Jaw #1 vs. Moose Jaw #2. We win 11-7. D Side Champs Biotch!
-Later that evening the banquet takes place. I gorge myself half to death on roast beef and an orgy of food. I come away without winning jack squat…. no door prize, no game MVP’s, no 50/50, NOTHING!!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Back by popular demand...