Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Talent, A Post About the NHL, and A Positive Outlook on Life

What are three things you thought you'd never see on

One down - don't hold your breath on the other two.

Well, once again we find ourselves in the middle of April - and despite my otherwise near complete ambivalence towards the sport, my thoughts are turning toward playoff hockey. Unlike Joe Thornton, who's ambivalence toward the sport of hockey doesn't begin until the middle of April (ZING!).

Despite the fact that I'm actually thinking about hockey now, I have no idea what to write about. I'm still baffled by the fact that in the Western Conference there are two goalies named Mason. But you know what? I'm just bored enough to actually do a playoff preview - perhaps I should have though about doing this yesterday, instead of 2 hours before the game actually. Oh well, if the pros can do it then why can't I?

Note: I've watched 6 hockey games this season, none that didn't involve the Calgary Flames. I just sayin'.

San Jose vs. Anaheim
Joe Thornton - fool me 5 years in a row, shame on me. Fool me one more year and I'll never forgive you. Only the Germans have a worse history of big springtime surrenders than does Thornton. But of course, once again I'm picking San Jose. They have to live up to expectations at some point, right?

Detroit vs. Columbus
Didn't anybody tell Detroit that goaltending is a fairly important aspect of the game? Ray Emery is probably stuck in a traffic jam in Russia, road-raging as we speak - I'm sure he'd be available. I'm not sure what's going to be more embarrassing - Detroit's goaltending or all the empty seats in the Joe Louis Arena (although when the unemployment rate is almost 14%, there are probably bigger worries than hockey). I'm going to pick Columbus - mostly because I hate the Red Wings and their failure brings me joy. Which of course means that Detroit will win in 4.

Vancouver vs. St. Louis
I'm basing this preview entirely on the belief that Al MacInnis still plays in St. Louis - if this is incorrect, please disregard this section of the preview. The previous sentence notwithstanding and as much as it pains me to admit, I think the Canucks will win the West. They seem to have a team that's built for the playoffs, read: ridiculous goaltending.

Calgary vs. Chicago
This should prove to be the most exciting first-round series, at least in the West. Most people have written off Calgary - what with their laundry list of injuries and sometimes suspect goaltending. Much has been made of Mikka Kiprusoff's terrible numbers this season - except for the fact that he led the league in wins. However, it is true that he may be out of gas - over the last two years he's seen more rubber than most Las Vegas working girls. Despite all that, I'll pick the (mild) upset and take Calgary.

Boston vs. Montreal
Apparently it's been awhile since Boston won a playoff series. I can't remember how long, as I have the memory retention capabilities of a Stegosaurus - and I don't even have the giant brain in my hindquarters, but man oh man if I did. Boston should steamroll Montreal in this series though. Montreal has more personality issues than Margot Kidder (Whoops - I just Googled Margot Kidder [just like Trudeau - ZING!] and apparently she's bipolar. I feel slightly bad, but not bad enough to take out the Margot Kidder line - you're just not allowed to laugh at it now. Not that that was going to be a problem in the first place. Because if Observe and Report taught us anything, it's that people with bipolar disorder aren't funny - especially when played by Seth Rogan)... now where was I? Bruins in a walk. Wow - I just re-read that paragraph and now I'm pretty sure that I'm bipolar.

Washington vs. New York
I'd like to say Washington will win this series but something troubles me about them. No it's not their shaky defence, or their goaltending, or their stimulus packages, or their pork-barrel politics - it's this. The economy is in the tank and you get a Portuguese dog? Shame on you. How is buying foreign going to stimulate the hard-hit American dog-breeding sector? That is no way to instill buyer confidence and encourage others to buy domestic. (I swear if this is somehow a version of a Daily Show joke, I'm pleading ignorance) I'm still picking Washington though, because I can't resist a dog wearing cheap plastic accessories.

New Jersey vs. Carolina
And the award for most boring playoff series of all-time goes to... Hey, what can I say - old stereotypes die hard. I don't know, flip a coin - New Jersey I guess.

Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia
Because I am inclined to irrationally hate anything that is popular, I hate the Pittsburgh Penguins - especially that Cosby kid with the girl's name. Having said that, they probably have too much talent not to win this series. But man oh man, would I love to see Philly beat up on Pittsburgh for six or seven games - with Crosby diving and whining and crying all over the ice. A man can dream, can't he? Grudgingly, Pittsburgh.


Napoleon in Rags said...

I should note that the "Talent" comment in the title only applies to the author of this piece of finery - and not the other fine (and talented) folks that contribute here, past and present.

Anonymous said...

Why do I continue to take Joe Thornton in these drafts. Do I never learn. I must have gotten a glimpse of his trophy wife/girlfriend and think I have some kind of chance with her if I cheer for Joe during their annual chokefest....


Napoleon in Rags said...

As I've never seen her, I was going to Google: Joe Thornton girlfriend + swimsuit + pics while bored at my desk today.

But I realized that I enjoy my steady income. I'll have to take your word about her.

Anonymous said...

Hey Nappy, Tabea Pfensack is her name. Couldn't find any good pics. She is Swiss which figures. Her homeland has been non-commital on every important European issue for the last 200 years, just like Joe's game....


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