There's No Accounting for Taste - American Gladiators Edition

I had every intention of watching the return of American Gladiators last night, but I forgot it was on. Luckily for everyone, Trebor did not forget. Here's what transpired...


Though it wasn’t assigned or maybe the boss gave it to someone else, last night I watched the greatest sporting event of 2008… BROTHER.

If that doesn’t bring a smile to your face then… well you probably were never part of Hulkamania. Anyway last night I watched the return of American Gladiators. Warning: parts of this [post] not affecting the [message] have been edited. That was something that came up at the end of the show … to which I said… QUE ??? What is there to edit… 4 rounds and the Eliminator… simple to me.

So I’m fairly sure I’m not alone in saying I watched American Gladiators growing up… I always liked Nitro and Gemini and then Hawk, with his military hair cut… then the girls… oh the girls. When your like 12 and you have these women in spandex in front of you… Anyways there was Sky, so tall could climb her like a tree. Then Ice (who I think dated Nitro), Diamond and Elektra.

The idea of two regular every day people going against the big, tough gladiators was awesome. Sitting there thinking that would be so much fun to be there to take a Joust to the back of the head or running through the Gauntlet. Even though hearing the phrase “this really is David vs Goliath” every show was tiresome, it was still a good time.

Now some of us may have grown out of that stage, along with watching wrestling. Me on the other hand… I’ve been known to watch classic ESPN and reruns of American Gladiators. It’s still a good time… even better seeing that early 90’s hairstyles and the cardboard fans… all that old stuff. And the announcers were always a hoot.

Anyways the Hulkster came out along with Ali (forget her first name but you now who I’m talking about) Ed. Note: It’s Laila. Blah Blah Blah… here are your American Gladiators… they come out to flashy lights. There was another female Siren… couldn’t think of any more original names I guess?? The guys had names like Wolf (who howled) he had the big sideburns like I used to have. Then there were: Justice, Mayhem and Militia... not bad. The girls names: Crush, Fury, Venom… meh. But again there were some good looking ones. Oh yeah and Helga… who in the one event sucked but anyway she’s huge. I don’t know her measurements but over 6 ft and 200 lb probably. I don’t think we’ll see her in Hang Tough anytime soon.

It was different and even watching the classics I get that sense… when I was a tike the gladiators were these huge guys… all muscle and you were like wow. Now the gladiators would still break me in half yes, but they aren’t as impressive anymore. Not sure why, something to do with steroids in sports I think.

Then we meet the contestants: a toilet paper saleswoman with 3 kids and husband who ran off on her or something. The other was a life coach, so positive and happy…damn I hate that. They start off with Power Ball, one of my favorites. In case you want to watch tonight I won't give away results but the TP ladies knee goes out within 30 sec so her day is done.

So with the Power Ball, it’s not as good as the original. The course seems smaller and the cylinders are like 3 times as big. Before you had to lunge and slam it in to have any chance for it to go. In the ladies event the one girl was doing jump shots like 10 ft away… what the hell is up with that? Also another thing to note… multiple cameras. It was very hard watching at first cause they kept going back and forth.

Then the men get introduced: a professional skateboarded and a NY firefighter. You had to root for the skateboarder but you knew who was going to win…or did you. Almost spoiled the show.
Before they go on, Hulk said something that raised an eyebrow “now it’s time to get serious, it’s time for the men”… Really, Ali is going to let you say that no matter how true it may be.

Another event they changed, the Breakthrough and Conquer, I think now is just wrestling, though you are on a platform that moves and shifts… not bad but I liked the football part.

Then before the commercial… “This bone crushing action brought to you by Subway” - it just seemed so out of place. Later there was a Toyota one as well and they even had a Toyota parked beside the Eliminator course. I wasn’t too happy at this point with what I was seeing, a little tear came to my eye. I wanted to get into the show but if it was going to continue like this then I couldn’t.

Luckily it did get better, they did something not seen in the earlier shows - girls one competition, guys another. So round 2 for the girls was Joust and for the guys Hang Tough (the event I think I hate the most). Then they did pyramid one not often done in the early shows but I can see this one being an every week event. The contenders get throw around body slammed and tackled and fall down 15-20 feet. Oh yes and 2 girls wrestling and rolling down a pyramid in each others arms surprisingly hot… no wait, that’s not surprising at all.

Other things that were different… water. Anything where a contestant could get knocked off, there was water for them to fall in. Also when they did fall the song Another One Bites the Dust played or that Na Na Na Na song. The other notable change was the talking between gladiator and contestant… seemed a bit scripted. Some of it was good and added some get up to it. Other times it seemed pointless.

Then the Eliminator, which was sometimes good but usually a let down. Someone either had a huge lead and would finish before the other got to the cargo net, or it would be close to the cargo net then a blowout. I’m not sure why but that cargo net always got people.

So in this one there was a .5 sec difference and a 16.5 sec difference. In the end both were really close.

In point form this is what the Eliminator course is like: 8 ft wall, jump in water and swim under water 20 ft, climb 30 ft cargo net, barrel roll (hold to barrel then it rolls down), hand bike, balance beam, pyramid climb (30 ft ), zip line, tread mill then break through.

I loved it. The best time I saw last night was 2:13. In the classic episodes guys would get through in like 40 sec. I love the hand bike and where it is - after they do the cargo net and swimming so arms already have had a workout… it looks so hard. Then the pyramid climb looks easy but every contender last night was panting as they went up. Then the inclined treadmill, though they do have a rope that they use to help themselves up, is the best. Especially right at the end.

One contestant was at the treadmill and the other was just getting to the hand bike. It was a close finish, I won’t say who won but of the 8 contestants I saw last night only 1 made it up the treadmill on the first try. At the Breakthrough they seemed to be almost passing out.

Another contestant was a former sergeant in the marines. She hit her head in the swim part so she was bleeding and even when she finished she was exhausted. Just wanted to throw that out for people who like to see blood with their sporting events

So I enjoyed it and will probably watch again. I hope to see some other events but some I hope I never see again.

I think they are replaying it tonight and if you liked the original you should check it out - tough it out through the scripted lines and the cheesy light show and music. Just hearing Hulk say brother is almost enough for myself.