untitled (Formerly Coooper's Corner)

Here it is, the much anticipated, much talked about, and much speculated on return of the column formerly known as Cooper's Corner.


Lately people have been asking “why haven’t you written for Luke’s pinko commie rag lately?” Well to be brutally honest, I find no interest in watching baseball or the first 8 weeks of the CFL schedule and then painstakingly writing about it. You may be asking yourself right now what kind of dedicated sportswriter is this guy? And to that I say, I am neither a sportswriter, nor am I dedicated. However the Labour Day weekend is when I come back to life. Not only with the Labour Day Classic, but more importantly the kickoff of College football, oh and the countdown to the NFL kickoff in 2 days. This morning I feel rejuvenated, like a Phoenix rising from Arizona!

First off I will get this out of the way. That Rider game was fantastic; unfortunately I was working and only got the play-by-play from Rod Peterson and Carm Carteri who were great as always. They really should be moved up from the ranks of CKRM and up to TSN or CBC and let the country hear what good and knowledgeable commentary is. The game sounded fantastic and when I saw the highlights OH MY GOD, the retro jerseys with the retro helmets! They looked GREAT!! I am getting ready to order my Joe PaoPao retro jersey as we speak. They should stay with the retro look for the rest of the year, hell they should make it the permanent look. Note to the Bombers coaching staff. When against a mobile QB who likes to run, you might like to use defense that employs a spy. Just a thought.

Now on to some real football. This past Thursday marked the beginning of the college football season. All Saturday I had that same feeling I had when I first stopped short with a girl and she let me get away with it. You know the one. I mean the feeling, not the girl. You wouldn’t know her; she went to a different school, 3 towns over. I am all fired up about the start of college football, from the fans to the marching bands, the Bowden Bowl to the Iron Bowl and all the other bowls in between, including the Egg Bowl. From JoePa to Lee Corso, seeing Texas and Oklahoma fight it out for a golden cowboy hat in The Red River Shootout to Minnesota and Iowa battle it out for a bronze statue of a pig named Floyd of Rosedale (A personal favorite of Luke and I). The utterly dominating wins to the unbelievable upsets, and oh what an upset there was.

Unless you have been living under a rock I am sure you have heard about 1-AA Appalachian St. defeating the #5 Michigan Wolverines, one of the favorites to with the national championship, in Michigan, in front of 110,000 screaming Michigan fans. They call their home field “The Big House” for a reason. For those of you unfamiliar with how big of an upset that is that would be like Boise St beating the Indianapolis Colts. I have no vested interest in either team, however watching a nobody beat up all game long on the winningest football program in the history of college football, blocking 2 field goals in the final 2 minutes, one of which was a game winning field goal attempt with seconds left was just thrilling. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_LnLiv99Ys

I find it ironic that the play-by-play man in this game was the same guy who did the Boise St upset of Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl earlier this year. He must have some sort or karma. Also I have to say when you are beaten by a team whose university sends out this video to players they are recruiting (I kid you not) it is truly an embarrassment http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVENWl8uBeg

Millions of Michigan fans have now seen their national championship hopes go right down the crapper.

Later on in the day there was the classic rematch between the Tennessee Volunteers and the California Golden Bears. A Rocky-esque like game with each team throwing haymaker after haymaker, and one of the greatest punt returns I have ever seen by Cals DeSean Jackson. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPXSzia2Zfg

The game was capped of by the great play-by-play commentary of ABC’s Brent “Muskrat” Musburger and his colour guy Kirk Herbstreit. Musburger is no Keith Jackson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQJWtgF60A4 or http://www.splendad.com/ads/show/49-Gatorade-Origins but he is a close second.

What makes watching college football even more thrilling is watching it when you have money riding on the games, which is what I had this weekend. I would like to thank the Cal Golden Bears for their 4 play, goal line stand and holding on in the 4th quarter and beating the spread, thus netting me a cool $548.00. I hope to do the same this coming weekend. If allowed by my editor in chief I will post my weekly picks on Saturday NCAA games so you as well can win some cold hard cash!

Also a note to the brass at Virginia Tech and ESPN. Maybe having an athletic facility and filming ESPN Gameday Live from said facility which just happens to be called “Michael Vick Hall”, is not such a great idea with the recent happenings…..just a thought.

Special NHL Draft edition of untitled (Formerly Cooper's Corner)

Well the 1st round of the NHL entry draft is finally now over. My mind has turned into a liquefied goo state after making it to pick #24. My editor in chief didn’t think I could make it past #7, and frankly neither did I. Here is a recap of the draft…..no real player analysis or stats or any of that crap. Just views and opinions from yours truly. I have left out a few picks that were uneventful, but I guarantee I did watch them

5pm: Turn on TSN’s draft coverage and of course within the first 3 minutes they have on John Ferguson Jr discussing his Leafs. Could TSN kiss any more ass for that team, oh wait they have Crosby’s ass now, nevermind.

5:05pm: I am already sick of this s%*t. Pierre Maguire is a tool. Nice shot of Kyle Turris and his mom…..more on that in a bit.

1st Pick (Chicago): Patrick Kane of the London Knights. Has a good looking mom, nice grill on her. That red hawks jersey is still the best looking in the NHL. Pizza arrives, pepperoni with mushroom and tomatoes? WTF! Thanks a lot Christa.

2nd Pick (Philly): James Van Riemsdyk of the US development team. He looks like he is 13 years old and has a name that sounds like he will be a giant bust. His mom is not too bad looking, could use some aftermarket customization however, maybe a hood scoop.

3rd Pick (Phoenix): Kyle Turris of the BCJHL. Drafting a player from a tier 2 league this early seems risky too me due to the lack of talented opposition. I mean he played at the same level that the Nipawin Hawks play in. However his mom is a real MILF. The hottest mom of the draft. No aftermarket add-ons needed. Sexy time! I like how Gretzky got a standing ovation when he got to the podium. I got an idea….how about Commissioner Gretzky!

Commercial break…flip to Arrested Development……girls with low self esteem….priceless!

4th Pick (LA): Thomas Hickey of the Seattle Thunderbirds. Say’s his idol is Bobby Orr yet this kid is born in 88? How can this be? Mother is an old withered hag. Pointless to even bother with aftermarket customization, too much work needed. The labour costs alone would be killer.

5th Pick (Wash): Karl Alzner of the Calgary Hitmen. Good to see that the Caps are going back to their old jerseys, sort of. Was only able to catch the back of moms head so nothing to report but I am sure Mrs Alzner is - as Mike Yanagita from “Fargo” would say - “such a super lady”.

7th Pick (Columbus): Yakob Voracek of the Halifax Mooseheads. He is supposed to be very talented however watching him skate is almost like looking at a fridge on skates. Very awkward looking. His mom looks very Eastern European, very Slavic-like. Wait is she wearing a puffy shirt? My god she is wearing a puffy shirt!

8th Pick (Boston) : Zach Hamill of the Everett Silvertips. The son of a poor Jedi warrior, and what looks like a mob wife out of “Goodfellas”. His mom looked very scrapping in a puke green blouse, giant gold hoop earrings and as my co-worker Erin put it “cheetah print hair”. Good to see Cam Neely upright and walking again no thanks to Ulf.

9th Pick (SJ): Logan Couture from the Ottawa 67’s. Mom is ok looking but as Erin put it “check out the rack on the blonde in his entourage. Looks like an old Christy Brinkley”. I noticed that the chief of scouting for the Sharks is sporting a nice $30 suit from Woolco. He looks like he should be a manager at a warehouse that sells discount mattresses. He must have gotten his wardrobe tips from Mike Smith. (I have a feeling only 1 or 2 of you will get this reference.)

10th Pick (Fla) : Keaton Ellerby of the Kamloops Blazers. Looks like a good kid. Mrs Ellerby is a quite attractive, however could use some aftermarket addons. At this point Erin and I have a lengthy conversation about after-market customizations and the woman who get them. Very Nice!

11th Pick (Carolina) : Brandon Sutter of the Red Deer Rebels. At this point in time I became irate that the Flames didn’t try to trade up for this guy. Why not give up Zuzyin for this pick? Brent Sutter is a lucky man. Mrs Sutter is how you say sexy time!

12th Pick (Montreal) Ryan McDonagh from some high school in Minnesota. I love the snub of hometown boy Angelo Esposito, (he became a little misty eyed) but how can you truly judge the talent of a player when he is playing at the same level that me and Chris H played while at Sheldon. I mean c’mon. Mom was well, couldn’t really tell, the camera turned away when they realized they had a surfboard in the shot. At this point the panel is saying that Cherepanov and Esposito are the Leinart and Quinn of the NHL draft. Please, give me a break.

13th Pick (StL): Lars Eller from the Swedish Elite League. He is Danish, nuff said for his future as an NHL’er. Camera pans to Cherepanov and Esposito looking beleaguered. No mom present?

14th Pick (Colorado): Kevin Shattenkirk of the US development team. Mom is looking hot in a nice flower print summer dress, no add-ons needed. Camera pans to Cherepanov and Esposito looking even more beleaguered. I have a theory about this kid. Shatten (Shatner), Kirk (Cpt. Kirk). Could this be a love child of Bill Shatner? I will look deeper into this.

15th Pick (Edm): Alex Plante of the Calgary Hitmen. The son of a former and the brother of a current Brandon Wheat King (Cam Plante) and (Tyler Plante). Yet again the camera pans to Cherepanov and Esposito. Mom could use an after-market hood scoop to cover that chicken neck.

16th Pick (Minnesota): Colton Gillies of the S’toon Blades. Mrs Gillies maiden name must have been grizzly cause she is a bear of a woman. Yikes! Camera thankfully pans over to Cherepanov and Esposito. I am getting sick of the comparison to Leinart and Quinn.

17th Pick (NYR): Cherepanov…..FINALLY! This guy was ranked top 4. Good to see him go. He has quite the mullet. Must still be big in the eastern block. No mother present, however there is a Gene Principe look-a-like with him. Pierre Maguire has an obvious man crush on this kid, or should I say boy crush? That’s just creepy, but so is Maguire.

18th Pick (StL): The moment I have been waiting for, Calgary’s pick. What? A trade? You can’t be serious! Sutter is trading down to #24? WTF! Sutter must have been birthing a cow and got kicked in the head cause nothing he has done in the past 2 weeks has made any sense. Ok so St Louis picks Ian Cole from the US Development team. “I’ve already forgotten his name”. Mom looks like a medieval ogre. Camera shot to Esposito almost in tears. Bob Mackenzie compares him to Brady Quinn….again.

20th Pick (Pitt): Finally Angelo Esposito from Quebec. The Pens have now just become an offensive juggernaut. Mom is an ugmo. You need a whole aftermarket body kit for her. Hood Scoop, grill, glass packed muffler, headlights, tailfin, etc.

21st Pick (Edm): Riley Nash from the BCJHL. Mom is pretty good looking and is showing a lot of bra-strap…wha wha wee wha!

24th Pick (Cal): The moment has arrived. The Calgary Flames are proud to select Mikael Backlund from the Swedish Elite League. WHAT? Ok he was ranked high but fell down 10 spots or so. Hmmm wonder why? Oh he has a history of knee injuries! I swear to god this is was my immediate thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A However if the hotness of Moms ranked players this guy will be the 2nd best player in this draft class easily. His mom was looking very nice with a hot librarian look. A nice red dress, with the black rimmed glasses. Sexy Time!

At this point I lost complete interest. I had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I am pretty sure there was not much else to see anyway, just a bunch of surfboards probably. Now can I go a couple months without hockey please unless it involves the Flames somehow landing Crosby and Ovechkin in a blockbuster deal.

untitled (Formerly Coooper's Corner)

I was going to do my blurb this week on some hot info that I had discovered - the reason why wrestling is not as watchable as it was when we were kids. It has to do with Mean Gene Okerlund, however that will have to wait because of the breaking news regarding the Calgary Flames and a possible coaching change. I just have to air my two cents on the matter.

If you have not heard the Flames supposedly have hired “Iron” Mike Keenan as their new head coach. I must have missed it when they fired Jim Playfair. Did that actually happen? Now I do dislike, and am in no way defending Jim Playfair’s punch card coaching system* but the move to Keenan seems to be a drastic measure. I am already fearing for Miikka Kiprusoff’s mental state, with him knowing that now he will get the hook after 2 or 3 goals on no matter how many shots.

Remember the Greg Millen / Jacques Cloutier / Ed Belfour saga of the 1990 – 91 season? I distinctly remember Keenan pulling Belfour after 2 goals, putting in Millen, and then after 1 goal putting in Belfour again only to pull him shortly later for Cloutier. No joke! Then there was the saga in the 1992 finals between Belfour and Hasek. I am sure we all remember Belfour getting the hook in game 3 for Hasek and as well in game 4. I have searched youtube.com for some evidence of this but with no success.

Keenan has also done the same in his other coaching stops which include Philadelphia (where he went to the Finals twice and lost), NY Rangers (where he won 1 cup), St. Louis, Vancouver, Boston, and Florida. Granted Keenan has had some success. However, the majority of that was in the late 80’s and early 90’s. And as for his Stanley Cup win with the Rangers, I think that the leadership of Messier and the rest of the former Oilers on that team had more to do with the win than Keenan’s coaching.

Wherever Keenan has coached his players have grown to loath him. I can see Iggy asking for a trade before X-mas.

I can sum up my feelings on this whole situation with a classic quote from Slapshot.... "They're f#*&ing horrible looking! What did the old man trade for these a%$holes? A used puck bag?"

On a somewhat unrelated topic... Remember after the lockout and the Flames were in the process of trying to sign Tony Amonte, Darren McCarty and Scott Neidermeyer? Hmmmm I wonder whom the Flames should have put more effort and dollars into trying to sign. (Editor's Note: Here's a hint, it's the one who just won the Stanley Cup and Conn Smythe Trophy - and not the two plumbers the Flames eventually ended up with) I can sum up my feelings on this debacle with another classic Slapshot quote.... "Boy every piece of garbage that comes on the market and you gotta buy it."


*Jim Playfair’s coaching system is something Luke and I came up with, if you were unaware of the reference. In our opinion Playfair is an emotionless cyborg (but not the super-intelligent kind) that accepts those old style punch cards which contain coaching information. They are fed to him through a slot in his neck by assistant coach Rich Preston. These punch cards then tell Playfair what coaching strategies to employ.

untitled (Formerly Coooper's Corner)

First off, the blog piece formally known as “Cooper’s Corner” would like to congratulate the Anaheim Ducks on their first Stanley Cup victory. It was very nice to see Teemu Selanne and Randy Carlyle finally get to hoist the cup. It is great to see some former Jets win the cup, especially Carlyle who spent many a year on some brutal teams. I am also happy to announce that the Ducks win also propelled me into 2nd place in the North East EMS office pool, thus getting me a handsome prize; I believe it is $50.00. Thanks to Luke for the many nights helping strategize a team. (Editor's Note: I am so glad that I was able to help Cooper win money, when my own pool picks were so woefully bad that I still haven't come to grips with them)

Now on to the topic at hand, wrestling.

Yes wrestling.

This is the part where most of you are probably clicking 'Back' on your browsers, or just closing your browser all together, never again to visit the page. Wrestling is a virgin topic so far on Sports As Life, so bear with me. Anyway this past Saturday night I was astonished to see NBC broadcasting “Saturday Night's Main Event”. (Probably had better ratings than the NHL)

For those of you unfamiliar with Saturday Night's Main Event I will give you a brief history. Saturday Night's Main Event was a late night, (Saturday night, as you might have guessed already) WWF program that was on occasionally from 1985 to 1991. This was not your ordinary hour long show like the ones WWF would show Saturday mornings where the biggest match was getting to see The Brooklyn Brawler lose for the 300th consecutive time to some bigger name like Mr. Perfect or the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiasse.

No, Saturday Night's Main Event was packed with the biggest matches, pay per view-esque matches. Matches like Hulk Hogan vs the Ultimate Warrior, or The Macho Man Randy Savage vs Jake the Snake Roberts. I mean BIG!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qz_dBrvGSxw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoRV5X__o3Q&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC5V44AT8JY&mode=related&search=

Now I imagine that most of you who frequent Sports As Life, if not all of you, have outgrown wrestling by some 15 years. I myself have not watched wrestling since The Rock was champ and Stone Cold Steve Austin was feuding with Vince McMahon, which was in early 2001. A lot has changed since I last watched regularly, a lot! For example.

1) The WWF is no longer known as the WWF but as WWE or World Wrestling Entertainment. Apparently the World Wild Life Fund had a beef with the later and sued for the name I believe and won. I will have to check my facts on that one.

2) The WWE now consists of the old WCW, ECW, and whatever else Vince McMahon has managed to buy out. I don’t think there is any competition for Vince anymore.

3) Vince McMahon is absolutely huge. I mean HUGE! As big, if not bigger than some of the wrestlers. I am talking about a Bonds-like physique change. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was taking some stanazolol or other similar product. But still he looks great for his age.

4) Vince McMahon is the ECW hardcore champ. I believe that is the world championship of the old ECW. From what I understand, is that there are now 3 major title belts, the old WWF heavyweight belt, the WCW world title belt and the ECW belt. As well as all the other belts such as the tag team belts, intercontinental championship belt, television title belt, etc, etc, etc. Too many to count. I believe that the ratio of wrestlers to belts is 3:1.

5) Everyone we grew up watching is no longer wrestling (go figure). They are all either retired or dead. However the Undertaker is still a mainstay of the show. Some dead figures we grew up with include Brian Pillman, Mr. Perfect, Gorilla Monsoon (I always envision a giant wave of apes coming towards me when I hear that name, terrifying), The British Bulldog, Miss Elizabeth etc, etc, etc.

6) Diamond Dallas Page is nowhere to be seen. I miss the “Diamond Cutter”.

Even though I watched the entire programme, I must admit I did not enjoy it. Wrestling today just doesn’t cut it for me. I did thoroughly enjoy watching a midget dressed as a leprechaun brandishing a shillelagh beat the hell out of another midget however. Other than that it wasn’t what I remember wrestling to be. No great characters to hook on too I guess. After watching the You Tube clips though I am seriously considering doing a regular wrestling column. We will see I guess.

untitled (Formerly Coooper's Corner)

I apologize to you the reader about there not being a “________________” the past two weeks. Your cards, letters and e-mails of anger and hatred were well received. We have yet to come up with a new name so I have left the title blank. Feel free to make up your own title for my weekly rant.

In this week's “____________________”, I will shine a beacon on a northern sport and introduce you to a sport and a world that many of you may not be familiar with. This week’s topic is the realm of bear baiting and bear hunting. Finally I have a bear story for you Hutton.

I was recently introduced to the world of bear bating and hunting by some co-workers here in what we call “The Nip”. On a side-note the nickname “The Nip” is not just a shortened form of “Nipawin” like many of you may think. It is actually an ancient Cree term derived from the fact that many of the women in town have quite erect nipples in the fall, winter and spring, due to the fact that it is so bloody cold here. In fact on the way into Nipawin from the south there is a statue of a giant nipple wrestling a bear greeting visitors. It bears a motto in Cree, which roughly translates into “Welcome to the land of erect nipples, disgruntled bears and tax free cigarettes”. It is quite a marvel to behold, it truly is.

I digress. The sport of bear baiting is not as hard as one may think, yet also not as easy as one may think. You do not simply go out into the woods like olden times, placing many large steel claw like traps, and then go back once a week to see how many bears you have trapped or killed. Provided is a step by step guide which may or may not be accurate, the locals who I interviewed on this subject are shady folk, and also were quite inebriated, as was I.

Step 1: In a large barrel, either wood, steel or plastic, insert a multitude of rancid, expired meat. Not deli meat but wild game. Deer carcases that you picked up during the winter hunt or scraps from the local abattoir will do just fine.

Step 2: Find and shoot yourself a beaver to put into your barrel with the rancid meat. Apparently bears have an insatiable beaver fever like most men do, and some women. The combo of rancid meat and dead beaver is a terrible stench. Very nauseating.

Step 3: Cut out some holes in your barrel large enough that a bear can get its snout into so it can feast.

Step 4: Find a spot in the woods to place your barrel. I cannot stress the importance of placing it in the woods, as opposed to say a playground or shopping centre. Once your barrel is placed wait a few days to check on your barrel to see if it in fact is being used by a bear. If so come back the next day and wait. Be prepared to wait a long, long time.

Step 5: When said bear comes to dine, kill it. Simple as that. Your method of execution is entirely up to you. Most people use a firearm but don’t be afraid to employ other methods like bow and arrow, spear, or pick axe – a favourite tactic of the Colorado School of Mines hunting club. I myself find the pick axe awkward and heavy to use however.

Step 6: After bagging your bear I was surprised to find that you do not eat any of the bear. Apparently all that rancid disgusting meat gives a bear a gritty, garbage like taste, similar to hobos of yore. The only use for the bear is it’s fur which is used to make a kick ass rug on which you can lay your lady down in front of the fire and make sweet, sweet love too. Can’t wait to get mine back from the taxidermist.

untitled (Formerly Coooper's Corner)

“That’s the kind of sports print journalism that I find utterly and totally obnoxious!”
- Howard Cossell

Welcome all and happy May Day. For those of you unfamiliar with the origins of May Day please refer to the following link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMgM8BAJarQ

The arrival of May Day brings us ever so closer to Saskatchewan’s only professional sporting season that is if you want to consider the CFL “professional”. I am sure to strike a chord with many of you in this piece, as I do believe that the majority of the readers of this column are in fact like myself, Rider Priders. And when I say “strike a chord” I mean that I will most likely offend and anger the majority of you with what I have to say.

It seems to me that the majority of Roughrider fans have the self-righteous attitude that we are the best fans in the CFL, if not the best team supporters on the planet. This belief is complete horse(hockey) in my humble opinion. Ok the label of “best fans in the CFL” may not be that far a stretch. In an 8-team league that title is not too hard to obtain. But we as a collective group are still far from being great fans. Yes it is true that we have had to endure year after year of sub-par performances and constantly have our hearts ripped out of our chests and deficated on. But we are not alone. For examples see: fans of the Red Sox, White Sox, Cubs, Clippers, Cardinals, Browns, etc. However fans of these crappy teams still come out game after game, season after season to support their team. The Riders lose 2 in a row, everyone is phoning in to CKRM saying the sky is falling and we are lucky to get 19,000 fans out to a home game. Pathetic!

All too often I have found myself at a home game only to find myself as only one of a few people cheering loudly for the Riders in my section. With the exception of the University Section the majority of fans just sit on their hands and bitch and moan, granted the majority of fans at a home game are aged 60 +.

Yes I know I am rambling and have no “facts” or “statistics” to back any of my claims up. However after watching Liverpool at home to Chelsea today I was witness to see what REAL fans are like. And then I caught a glimpse of the Riders General meeting on CTV and some dirt farmer and pig farmer were interviewed saying how it sucks that the greatest fans in the world have to put up with such poor performances. That all just angried up the blood, so now I vent.

Not only do we need better support for our team, we also need to stand up as a group and demand better from the Rider organization. I know there is a cash crunch but if we want a first rate team and organization we need to demand as a whole that we house that team in a first rate facility. What was once known as “Taylor Field” is a disgrace. I have yet to be in Ivor Wynne or McGill stadium but I am willing to bet that we have the most decreped stadium in the CFL, if not professional football.

When I shell out $30 for a ticket I for one expect to be able to properly use the facilities, not have to take a leak in a sink or god forbid a porta-john. (Editor's Note: There are no longer any $30 tickets available to Rider games. If you are an adult, the cheapest ticket you will find is $48. FORTY-EIGHT DOLLARS!!! FOR A RIDER GAME!!! You can find the full ticket price list here.)

Just recently the Bombers accepted a plan to build a brand new multi-million dollar facility with get this, a retractable roof. I don’t expect a facility like Winnipeg is planning to build but something with say, the capacity to hold 40,000 plus for say Grey Cup or even the Labour Day Classic. A new stadium that has an adequate amount of restrooms, without the need for porta-johns. A facility that allows me to still watch the game on a tv when I go to get a drink or food.

And for god-sake get rid of that piece of garbage Percieval pick-up and bring back Gainers car. Whoever came up with that idea should be taken downtown, tarred and feathered and strung up from a tree.

That is all.

untitled (Formerly Coooper's Corner)

I have officially hit rock bottom.

It appears that I have come up with a case of writers block. The sort of block that drives a man to brutally murder his family, the sort of man as portrayed by Jack Nicholson in the great thriller “Something’s Gotta Give”. Damn that Amanda Peet is a fine piece of work.

Anyways I digress. My editor in chief and I agreed that this week I would write about obscure tough-guys and goons from the NHL and WHA. The sort of tough-guy and goon whose cocaine-fuelled antics on and off the ice gave them cult status amongst the hockiests. However, that kind of piece takes hard work, research, ethics, time, money, and an ability to write a truthful piece. All of which I sorely lack. To make up for all my shortcomings I will be providing you with many youtube links to clips of some tough-guys you may or may not have heard of before. As well I will provide my usual rant about each clip and player, most of which will be completely fabricated.

1. Steve Durbano – This real life Ogie Oglethorpe was one suspension away from being barred from the WHA, Durbano decided to flee the sinking WHA and jump to the NHL. The provided clip is explanation enough for this clown. I wonder how much peyote he had before taking the ice on this occasion. Apparently he mooned the crowd after being ejected. Now that’s an exit!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpSQ3KJIIXg

(Editor's Note: Here are a couple links to obituary's for Durbano - from the Toronto Sun and from StLouisBlues.com. His is an interesting story. He is very fondly remembered for such a notorious hooligan.)

2. Nick Fotiu – Born on Staten Island, Fotiu honed his craft with the time that I am sure he spent on Rikers Island.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yaPC_TGUZc

3. Behn Wilson – Probably the highest drafted tough guy in NHL history (6th overall 1978) In this clip he fights Dave “The Hammer” Shultz of the Penguins. Those were some sweet, sweet jerseys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t72O1yEADhE

4. Link Gaetz – “The Missing Link” no doubt honed his fighting skills on the schoolyard during recess. With a name like “Link” you have to be a tough sonuvabitch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scXShE7C-94

5. Willie Plett – Not a household name when it comes to being a tough guy but he does hold in my eyes the notoriety for being the proud owner of the greatest cheap shot in NHL history.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpSQ3KJIIXg

6. Jimmy Mann – No I take it back…this is the greatest cheap shot in NHL history. How come we have never heard of this before? This is right up there with the Bertuzzi and Simon incidents as well as the very unfortunate Denny Pratt tragedy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_449A851gvU

The Final Cooper's Corner, Vol.IV

In which Cooper opens by crushing me in print...

Welcome to week 4 of Cooper’s Corner, or the 4th edition of Cooper’s Corner, whatever you prefer. I have say I am still not fond of the whole "Cooper’s Corner" title. No offence to my editor in chief but I do think it is time for a change. Seeing that it is 0800 hrs and I have yet to have my morning coffee or my LSD-laced energy drink, I am leaving it up to you the commoners to send in your suggestions for a new moniker for this proverbial train-wreck. (Editor's Note: Contrary to what is apparently popular belief, I'm not a huge fan of the name Cooper's Corner either. The name came from my desire to have an alliterative title, similar to Piper's Pit. However, it was pointed out to me last week that Cooper's Corner bears a striking resemblance to Coach's Corner which, I swear to you, I didn't even realize. So it's settled then - an open referendum will be held to determine the new name for Cooper's Corner. Comments, emails, phone calls, loud shouts, and smoke signals are all appropriate means of voicing your opinion.)

Anyway to the topic at hand……Harry Neale.

Hockey Night in Canada’s Bob Cole and Harry Neale are without a doubt the greatest broadcast duo in hockey history, and I am sure they have a place in the upper echelon of sports broadcasters in general. Up in the ranks with the likes of Frank Gifford, Howard Cossell and Don Meredith, Marv Albert and even the great Keith Jackson and Dan Fouts. Wow that doesn’t seem right when you see it on paper but they were pretty damn good although Jackson did carry Fouts a long, long way.

There are some people out there that would have you believe that Harry Neale is slipping, his colour commentating not as sharp and as relevant as it once was. However, I disagree and I have the evidence, in video format. And let me tell you the evidence is quite clear that Harry Neale has done nothing but improve in his broadcast skills over the past 35 years. Also his choice of wardrobe has drastically improved.

Even if you don’t like the guy you got to at least admit he still dresses to the nines.

Exhibit A: Harry Neale in 1973 interviewing players from the Minnesota Fighting Saints of the WHA, a team that Harry also was the head coach of.

His interview and on camera skills in this clip are just deplorable. And his suit that day, looks like Ronald McDonald threw up on some fabric. I also love the choices for filming locations. I am pretty sure for two of the interviews they are in a doctor’s office. Oh and check out the future CBC and sportsnet personality the he interviews first. Nice bowtie loser!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siaFbm6WvvM

Exhibit B: This next video clip doesn’t really show how bad Harry Neale’s broadcast skills used to be but more of how bad his coaching ability was.

It is of Harry giving a pre-game speech to the Saints before the take the ice against the Winnipeg Jets. I like how when Harry drops the S-Bomb they censor it with an arena horn to make it seem like a coincidence. Check out the sweet ass clear plexi-glass boards they had at the old St. Paul Civic Center. Also I have to nominate those Saints jerseys as one of the best jerseys ever. I love that logo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7xMBqCC7Bk

Exibit C: Harry loses his mind…

...and eventually his job which ended him up working with Bob Cole in this clip. Not too sure which one Harry is but I do know that he went all Neil Diamond on some Frenchy’s ass and smacked them in the mouth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSzsBLsMaGA

Exibit D: Bob Cole and Harry Neale are calling a game between the Oilers and Jets in 1989.

Just listen to the comment that Harry makes about Kelly Buchberger, his hand and a car wash. Enough said.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrwp_rayEUc&mode=related&search=

So as you can clearly see for yourself Harry Neale has done nothing but improve in his broadcast abilities over the years. Sure he may be slipping back a little bit, but that’s the Alzheimer’s or the dementia that all elderly people slowly but surely develop over time. So don’t go blaming him when he starts spouting off and foaming at the mouth about the trap. Just remember he is old, and that’s what old people do.

Cooper's Corner, Vol.III

Due to inclement weather and serious travel delays, Cooper's Corner was unavailable yesterday. Apologies to everyone who relies on it to get you through Tuesday. But here it is:


To you I say good-day, or good evening.

Depending on what time it is on your metric clock as you read this week's entry, please pick the appropriate greeting that applies to you. In this week's entry I will not be rambling on aimlessly on one particular topic, or regaling you with tall tales of past hockey glories. No I am doing what all good writers do when they find themselves in a bind and are late for their deadline, write a short piece, with multiple short quips on a variety of topics, what is known in the business as a “Robservation Piece”. So named after the very hack who oh so often enthrals us almost on a daily basis with his complaints on sports and his waning libido.

However I am not the sort to suckle on the teat of a local green clad group of ruffians and criminals.

Nor am I the sort to bitch and moan about how I am not able to access a certain 4-letter sports channel on my black and white at home.

Instead I will give you nothing but pure muck that is fit to rake, nothing but the pure gold I see in the media fit to mention. And without further ado, my first ever “Robservation Piece”. Enjoy!

- On a recent episode of “Off the Record” with that proverbial douche bag Michael Landsberg, former NHL’er and now agent to Ryan Miller, Mike Liut exposed himself as a lying SOB. When asked when the last time he had heard Brass Bonanza was, Liut promptly said that he has never heard it before. How is it that someone who played for the Whalers in the 80’s, the heyday of Brass Bonanza has not heard the song before? LIAR! I have promptly burned all my Mike Liut cards and memorabilia and I urge you to do the same.

- There is a new video circulating the net made famous by sports talk radio personality Steve Czaban of what is possibly the worst golf swing in history. Luke and I have both studied the film and have come to the conclusion that the guy in said video has no bones in his arms. Just some sausage casings filled with rancid mechanical meat. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAelgNV_ivE. I also encourage you to read the frame by frame analysis at http://www.czabe.com/ (Editor's Note: As Cooper routinely skips story meetings he was unaware that this clip and story were included in this week's Master's wrap-up. However, because the swing is so absolutely ridiculous, we here at Sports As Life have decided to include it again.)

- Did anyone happen to see the Dog Show on TSN last week? I mean seriously did anybody catch that? Maybe Rob Vanstone has a valid point. No on second thought he does not….he is still a douche.

- Has anybody else noticed that the term “douche bag” has been going around quite a bit? When did that become so popular? Not that I am complaining, I use the word more than anybody. It just seems to me that more and more people are using it these days.

- This just in, Steve Czaban is calling for a media blackout of the nickname “Pacman” and just calling the now suspended Tennessee Titans defensive back by his birth name, Adam Jones. I for one applaud this move. Somewhere in the distance I hear the unforgettable noise of Pacman dying. You know the one.

- The playoffs are about to start in a few hours and I for one am pumped. I was very disappointed however in Maggie the Monkey’s picks this year. Another reason why TSN is nothing but a joke and a bad one at that.

- I for one am fed up with Pierre Maguire’s constant ass kissing of Sidney Crosby. Am I the only one to notice this? If so I will shut-up but I swear that Maguire is shoulders deep into Crosby. Always with the praise and sticking up for the guy. Maybe that is what made me vomit in Moose Jaw.

- Don Cherry will be making cameo appearances on NBC’s coverage of the playoffs this year. If the American public has a problem with a radio personality using the term “nappy-haired hos” then I can only imagine the outrage Cherry will bring to the American public after one of his long rants on how Europeans and the French are douche bags. See there it is again. Always with the douche bag placement.

Cooper's Corner, Vol.II

Back by popular demand...

"Sadly, photographs do not exist, only apocryphal tales told by former hockey men who are, as you know, unreliable due to their zombie-like stupidity and puck-fever."
- John Hodgman

Last week I told you all about the vast, yet seedy world of professional cricket, this week I will tell you all about my first ever experience at the Saskatchewan EMS Hockey "Invitational" Tournament. I use the word "Invitational" because, I was, as you may be surprised to know, invited to play.

First off I would like to send many thanks to the fine people at Moose Jaw and District EMS for allowing me to wear the fine colours of the Moose Jaw and District EMS Warriors. Also congrats for putting on such a fine event.

Now with all the formalities out of the way I will give a recap of the 3 days that were. The only proper way to read this entry is to have the following music play in the background, which is available on youtube.com. The link has been provided. Please open this link and then begin reading as the music commences. This is the only way to really appreciate and understand how the tournament went. I thank my literary and sports-talk celeb idol Steve Czaban for the idea of adding this catchy tune. Enjoy. (Editor's Note: Right click on the link and select Open in New Window to enjoy both the blog and the corresponding music at the same time).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUFWaauGPCs

Day One: -Check in to the Heritage Inn, go straight to the hospitality room where I meet with some ruffians from Moose Jaw and North Battleford. A drinking game called "Moose" which involves an ice-tray and a quarter ensues; Kelly and me start pounding back doubles. Never a good choice. Go to Champs downtown…….time passes…..attempt to play pool……more time passes……?????

Day Two: -Awake at 7:30 for an 8 am game vs Prince Albert….my face is covered in a gooey substance, so is the carpet, and the bathroom floor and shower curtain, sincere apologies to the staff at the Heritage Inn.

-Stop at McD’s and get some McGriddles before going to the crushed can…..so syrupy and good. Gooey substance violently re-appears.

-I am informed that I got us thrown out of Casino Moose Jaw a few hours earlier….of this I have no memory of, so therefore it never happened!

-I am also informed that I blew any chance that Kelly and I had of scoring with these two chicks we were chatting up at Champs after I tried to seal the deal by proclaiming that we were both happily married with kids. I am sure that they were, as Johnny Upton would say in Slapshot, "F*&king Horrible Looking".

-Game time! I am supposed to play defence but a scheduling conflict has me dress for goal. I can barely stand let alone skate. I think I made 4 saves on 7 shots….still pretty hazy. Real goalie shows up….I get redressed. As a defenseman I score 2 goals…. on own goal. Pathetic! Think I broke my ribs. I get a penalty shot…no need to mention anymore. We lose 11-3? Or 10-5?
Not too sure on the final score, or how I got to the game.

-Game 2 vs Battleford. I am sobered up, but I think I am bleeding inside my chest! Play centre and score the first two goals of the game…on the opposing net this time. Goaltender from Battleford crosschecks me in the back of the head. F*$k You Toovey!! We come up on the losing end 7-5.

-Many people end up in the drunk tank after this night…thankfully I am not one of them. I go back home to my loving wife and abusive son to recover.

Day Three: -Game vs Saskatoon. I am scheduled to play goal for both games today but I am terrible. We lost 8-7. I am terribly disappointed in Skilliter. I honestly thought he would man up and try and fight me or try and drive me through the back of the net during the shootout. I assume he left his "stones" at home. However I hear he picked up a dynamite blond the night before. Kudos to you!

-Game vs. Moose Jaw team #2. We are relegated to play in the "D" side final. Moose Jaw #1 vs. Moose Jaw #2. We win 11-7. D Side Champs Biotch!

-Later that evening the banquet takes place. I gorge myself half to death on roast beef and an orgy of food. I come away without winning jack squat…. no door prize, no game MVP’s, no 50/50, NOTHING!!!

Cooper's Corner, Vol.I

Welcome to Cooper's Corner, a new and hopefully soon-to-be regular feature here at Sports As Life. First off is Cooper's look in to the suddenly interesting and apparently incredibly seedy world of professional cricket (I mean look at this, the Enigma Code is easier to decipher). So without further ado...


As some of you most likely know the World Cup of Cricket is currently being held in the West Indies. Cricket, which has been recently introduced to North America for it’s seedy underbelly and murderous wicket-men, is truly one of the last true gentle-mans games. Golf of course lost consideration of a gentle-mans sport after Jack Nicklaus’s un-godly maiming of a caddy in 1984. The pure game of cricket deserves to be seen in a better light in North America, and I am here to provide that shining beacon. And as follows is a summary of the best moments to come out of this years World Cup of Cricket, which in only it’s 12th day of 47 days is already being proclaimed as the greatest sporting event man has ever seen.

Great Moment #5: India beating Bermuda by 257 runs.
- Think of it people…. 257 run margin of victory. That’s an average of 28.5 runs per inning in a 9-inning game. I wonder if India’s batsmen are "juiced". Bermuda needs to shore up its bullpen if it hopes to have any success in future competitions. The acquisition of a Goose Gossage like reliever would be an asset.

Great Moment #4: Bangladesh’s 5-wicket victory over India.
- What an upset…..a close 5-wicket victory over a team that just came off an exciting 257 run performance. The performance given by 18 y/o Mushfiqur Rahim was one for the ages. His international average is no fluke…a superstar in the making.

Great Moment #3: Singh’in in the Rain
- The bowling performance of India’s Harbajan Singh in the pouring West Indy rain was a masterpiece. This right-armed flamethrower deserves his newly acquired moniker "The Harbajan Express". Sorry Nolan Ryan, there is a new sherpa in town. Props to Harbajan for his blatant use of Vaseline and a nail file to doctor up the ball. The Niekros would be proud.

Great Moment #2: Tea Time
- Cricketers have adopted the 7th inning stretch and given it a twist…tea and scones and Ravi Shankar’s Grammy winning rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame".

Great Moment #1: "Cubs Win, Cubs Win"
- The dramatic upset win by the Ireland Cubs over Pakistan has gotten the game of cricket on the North American map which is why this is the greatest moment so far at the World Cup of Cricket. Sure some illegal betting and the possible throwing of the game by the Pakistani players may have led to the eventual murder of their coach, however that is the kind of blood shed that North American’s crave for in their sporting events. Which why golf became so popular in 1985, after the maiming of Jack Nicklaus’s caddy by Jack himself the previous year.