Top Five Friday

I won't lie to you, I'm incredibly bored. And completely out of ideas - like literally nothing to say about anything. So until I actually come up with something interesting to write about, every Friday I'm going to do what bored and lazy writers the world over do - make lists! The specifics of the list will change but two things will always be constant - it will always contain five items and it will always be about music (yeah yeah I know, sports blog - shut your mouth). This week's list:

Top Five Song Beats
Last week dealt strictly with drum beats - this week, the song as a whole. I'll admit they're fairly similar and probably shouldn't have been posted in back to back weeks. My criteria for this week's category was anything that gets your foot to tapping or your money-maker making money.

5. Summer Love - Justin Timberlake
Say what you will about the man's dubious musical history, but as a solo artist JT gets it done. I will hear no arguments on the matter.



4. Hospital Beds - Cold War Kids
I've said it before and I'll say it again - the human body is biologically unable to stay still during this song.



3. Mo Money, Mo Problems - Notorious B.I.G. feat. Puff Daddy & MA$E
I don't get too many opportunities to write an 'S' as a dollar sign, so I have to take them when they come. And yes, I know this is a sample from a Diana Ross song but Puffy punched it up quite a bit and it's vastly superior. Also, why on earth did they Puffy putt with the pin still in the cup? I'm pretty sure that's a 2-stroke penalty.



2. Train in Vain (Stand by Me) - The Clash
If you don't get up and dance while you're listening to this, during the night Joe Strummer's ghost will let the air out of your car tires.



1. Superstition - Stevie Wonder
This song has so much funk, the Mennen Corporation was called in to clean it up. Wow, that was brutal - please don't let it affect your enjoyment of the song.



Honourable Mention

Crazy in Love - Beyonce
Again, it's a sample - from here - but that seems to be the way it goes. I think this song also gains from the iconic dance Warren Sapp did to honour it. And the official video is the dictionary definition of someone knocking it out of the park.

Top Five Friday

I won't lie to you, I'm incredibly bored. And completely out of ideas - like literally nothing to say about anything. So until I actually come up with something interesting to write about, every Friday I'm going to do what bored and lazy writers the world over do - make lists! The specifics of the list will change but two things will always be constant - it will always contain five items and it will always be about music (yeah yeah I know, sports blog - shut your mouth). This week's list:

Top Five Drum Beats
I love drums - a lot.

5. Born in the USA - Bruce Springsteen
Maybe a surprise choice as it's not a super rigorous beat or anything, but those opening salvos from Max Weinberg are iconic.



4. Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists
To me, this song sounds like what it must be like to have ADD - frenetic and moving 100 mph at all times.



3. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This song is the reason headphones and extremely loud volumes were invented.


2. Jessica Numbers - The New Pornographers
I'm crushed that there's not a better video anywhere on the Internet, because this one just doesn't do it justice. If you've ever seen this band live you know that the intro drums for this song feel like getting repeatedly kicked in the chest with an iron boot - and it... is... awesome.



1. Like Eating Glass - Bloc Party
Honestly, I could have made this top-5 all Bloc Party songs but I think this is the best in terms of drum work. If you ever have a chance to see these guys live, do it. Spare no expense. I had the good fortune to see them recently and you will never, ever see drumming like that again. That skinny Asian kid moves so fast there were several times I thought he was going to achieve lift-off.



Honourable Mentions
BONUS BLOC PARTY!!1!!1!!

Top Five Friday

I won't lie to you, I'm incredibly bored. And completely out of ideas - like literally nothing to say about anything. So until I actually come up with something interesting to write about, every Friday I'm going to do what bored and lazy writers the world over do - make lists! The specifics of the list will change but two things will always be constant - it will always contain five items and it will always be about music (yeah yeah I know, sports blog - shut your mouth). This week's list:

Top Five Songs Named After Women
This one is pretty straightforward, because... well, I'm sitting at my desk and I don't think very well at work - imagine that. The criteria for the list was simply this: the song title must contain only a woman's first name. This was done for the sake of simplicity, even though it disqualified songs like Billie Jean and Eleanor Rigby.

5. Gloria - Them
I love how raw Van Morrison's voice is - hard to believe that was 1964, seems to be a little ahead of it's time.


4. Cecilia - Simon and Garfunkel
Did you ever think to yourself, "Man, I wish I could see two German dudes cover Simon and Garfunkel"? Well guess what - today is your lucky day!


3. Amie - Damien Rice
Question my masculinity all you want (many have), but this is a phenomenal song. On a related note, Austin City Limits is the reason television was created - there is no higher form of programming.


2. Angie - The Rolling Stones
This was almost a 1(a)/1(b) situation, but I decided to put this one at 2. Phenomenal guitar and a life-altering chord change just before, "You can't say we're satisfied."


1. Bernadette - The Four Tops
Until last week, I bet I hadn't heard this song in 10 years. Possibly a perfect song. The song that really got me thinking about this list.


Honourable Mentions:
Beth - Kiss
Suzanne - Leonard Cohen
Roxanne - The Police

Dishonourable Mention:
Mandy - Barry Manilow

Make sure to kill me in the comments for anything I unforgivably forgot.

An Off the Cuff Offseason Presents: The Continuing Misadventures of Napoleon in Rags, Vol.3

To fill some space during the offseason I’m going to be running a series of stories about the “hilarious” mishaps that I am growing ever more accustomed to. My days are generally filled with fraudulent attempts at professionalism, lame attempts at humour and staggeringly transparent attempts to fit in with the normal humans. It’s mostly gaffes, apologies and dizzying social awkwardness – just ask anyone who has had the misfortune of being romantically linked to me. Don’t worry, not everything is 100% accurate or 100% hilarious. Here is today’s installment:


Stupidity in Spades

I don't consider myself old enough to complain about the youth of today, but seriously what the crap is up with the youth of today? It's not the Twilight, the Facebook or the unbearable air of entitlement... well it is those things, I just don't have the energy for them today.

Today is about the stupidity. So, so much stupidity.


More specifically stupid kids working in the retail industry. Can someone please explain to me what exactly the qualifications are to be employed these days?

As far as I can tell, you simply have to be breathing to be employable. And, I mean just breathing - a functioning motor system is a luxury. People skills? Meh. And complex brain activity, forgetaboutit.

Let me set the stage for you as to why this has suddenly set me off. As of late I've had the distinct displeasure of frequenting certain big-box retail establishments on a fairly regular basis. And I would say the level of engagement from the staff at these stores ranges from catatonic to palpable hostility.


"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to inconvenience you by making you actually do your job. I know you're pissed that I called you away from chatting up the female in your department - who's actually a 6, by the way, but seems like an 8.5 because she's the only female working with a bunch of dudes - but she's still out of your league, just so you know. Trust me, if I could help it I wouldn't want your help anyway - I mean, would you want to talk to you. But sadly I do not possess the ability to conjure my own bedding plants out of dust and positive thinking - if I did, I assure you I would not be inflicting this unpleasantness on myself. So if you'll help me for literally 15 seconds I'll be out of your life forever and you can get back to failing to impress the sea-hag in aisle 7 with tall tales of the wicked new spoiler you're putting on your Fiero."

So now you're cursing yourself for leaving the house and only just clinging to a few scraps of your sanity. But you've got your [insert item here] and you're making a Bo Jackson-esqe run for the door.
In a perfect world you'd be able to just walk out the door and get on with your life. Sadly, things like morality, commerce and the legal system get in the way and compel you to pay for everything you've taken off the shelves. But good news for you, dear reader, some innovative and technologically-advanced retailers have installed automated check-outs that allow you to pay for your items on your own.

I know some people lament the decline of human interaction taking place in almost all aspects of human society. But not me - I think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. The less I have to come in contact with moody, unhappy and unpleasant people, the better - and that pretty much describes 98.6% of the service industry.

Automated customer service telephone line? Awesome.

Touch screens and fancy computers helping me check out my purchases? Sign me up.

Robot wives... perhaps I've said too much.

But as it stands now, most retailers still have an honest-to-goodness human manning the check-out line. And "human" is meant only in the most literal sense - I generally get the feeling that there's not a whole lot of cognition happening in front of that till. I think this brief description pretty much sums up the whole experience:

- You walk up to the till and put your items on the counter and await them being scanned.
- Chances of getting a hello: 1 in 15
- The young female behind the till generally looks like she just came off a 13-day meth jag and has the disposition of, "If it meant I could have another hour's sleep, I would tear your face off without a second thought." (Note: It's not my intent to be sexist - these positions are usually staffed by females)
- A total price is mumbled at you
- Money is exchanged
- Have to ask for a bag
- Dirty look in your direction
- Transaction completed
- Over/under on the total number of words spoken by both parties during the entire encounter: 5.5
- Exit

And thus your brief glimpse at the future generations is complete and you're breathing fresh air again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no rocket scientist so I don't expect everyone else to be cracking the human genome. But man oh man, is a basic level of social interaction and intelligence really too much to ask? I swear I feel like I'm one step away from yelling at kids to get off my lawn - because I genuinely believe that kids are getting dumber and dumber. I'm not sure if this says more about me or them?


One programming note, Sports As Life will be closed next week as your host with the most is on vacation.

An Off the Cuff Offseason Presents: The Continuing Misadventures of Napoleon in Rags, Vol.2 - Just Hook It Up to My Veins!

To fill some space during the offseason I’m going to be running a series of stories about the “hilarious” mishaps that I am growing ever more accustomed to. My days are generally filled with fraudulent attempts at professionalism, lame attempts at humour and staggeringly transparent attempts to fit in with the normal humans. It’s mostly gaffes, apologies and dizzying social awkwardness – just ask anyone who has had the misfortune of being romantically linked to me. Don’t worry, not everything is 100% accurate or 100% hilarious. Here is today’s installment:


The Unadulterated Joy of NyQuil

You may have noticed that production around these parts has been a little slow lately. Alright, who are we kidding - you didn't notice.

Truth be told I've been a little under the weather lately with a nasty bout of Cotard's Syndrome. Nah, I'm just kidding - it was just a little touch of the hanta virus. Whatever it may have been, I was reminded of something I can't believe I forgot - NyQuil is awesome.

I'm not going to go off on some Dennis Leary rant (which wasn't really all that funny), all I'm saying is that if everybody in the world took one NyQuil Liquid Cap a day there would be no more war. I'm only 30% kidding about that. If every night you're dreaming about a rabbit with the body of a salamander (that is also you, somehow) fighting a galactic emperor in a gravel pit in an alternate dimension that is somehow also in the house your grandparents used to live in, chances are you're not going to be worrying about starting a war. Or maybe you're more likely, who knows?

To sum up my point, I love sleep. And the only thing I love more than sleep is anything that makes me sleep more.

I don't know what's in NyQuil. I'm pretty sure it's just a diluted form of whatever Bones gave Kirk to make him look dead when Kirk had to fight Spock because Spock needed to mate and went crazy and then Kirk stole his mate! That was something.

You know what I'm talking about.

I should say that Sports As Life does not endorse drug dependency, legal or otherwise - but you should definitely take NyQuil every day.












Alright, here you go:

Crank it up!!

An Off the Cuff Offseason Presents: The Continuing Misadventures of Napoleon in Rags, Vol.1 – Come on Down!

To fill some space during the offseason I’m going to be running a series of stories about the “hilarious” mishaps that I am growing ever more accustomed to. My days are generally filled with fraudulent attempts at professionalism, lame attempts at humour and staggeringly transparent attempts to fit in with the normal humans. It’s mostly gaffes, apologies and dizzying social awkwardness – just ask anyone who has had the misfortune of being romantically linked to me. Don’t worry, not everything is 100% accurate or 100% hilarious. Here is today’s installment:


The Price is Right as a Sociological Phenomenon


This one's not really a 'mis-adventure' but I don't like being constrained by labels.

In the position I currently find myself, both vocationally and geographically, I am afforded the privilege of eating lunch at home every noon hour. This is a vastly underrated event and one which I credit for 3 of my 5 remaining scraps of sanity.

However, with the Flintstones no longer offered as lunch time programming, coupled with my meager cable package, I used to struggle in finding something to watch that doesn’t include afternoon courtroom drama. That is, until I discovered that my west coast CBS station shows The Price is Right from 12-1, and in HD no less. Happier I could not have been.

I love The Price is Right. But it’s not just because I love flashing lights and guessing how much things cost, which I do. It’s also because I love the deeper social implications of this show. Let me explain in a convenient 3-part list:

1) The Price is Right is better for your body imagine than watching a six-hour marathon of The Biggest Loser. Nowadays on TV we mostly see people with bodies that you and I could never achieve, especially you. A single episode of Two and a Half Men contains more perfectly formed T&A than the word attaint (yes that is a word, yes I had to look it up, and no it doesn’t mean what you think it does). After an evening of prime time TV, if asked, I would generally rate of my level of attractiveness as falling between gargoyle and goblin, or possibly hobgoblin. However, after one hour of the Price is Right I feel 75% less grotesque. It’s refreshing to see actual, normal human beings on TV.

2) As refreshing as it is just to see regular people on TV, it's even more refreshing to see real emotion from those regular people. There are very few places in society where we're allowed to let loose with what we're feeling. Screaming at the people in front of you in line at the mall to just HURRY UP AND PAY SO WE CAN ALL GET ON WITH OUR LIVES is generally frowned upon, trust me. But on the Price is Right anything goes. Screaming, yelling, shouting, jumping, high-fiving, hugging, kissing, running around, falling down - you get it all, and in a completely natural and uncensored form. It's great.

3) The absurdity of retail pricing. I'm serious when I say the Price is Right is 35% more difficult because of the ridiculous retail pricing. Where on earth are they buying these prizes? I think the Price is Right has a special outlet store where everything is marked up 30%. $2500 for a 42 inch plasma TV? C'mon, this isn't 2002.

One more thing I should mention, and it's that I'm clearly not the target audience for the mid-morning gameshow. Commercials during the Price is Right are aimed at diabetics, geriatrics with no life insurance, and people with so many health problems they should be living in a bubble surrounded my people in HazMat suits - much like the ending of E.T. The lists of medication side effects are always my favorites; and because I want everyone to know what they're getting into, I'd like to thank you for reading this post but I should mention that reading in the future could cause: uncontrollable urge to stop reading, jimmy legs, glaucoma, earwigs, bitter regret, yellow toenails, despair, unkempt nosehair, jimmy arms, feelings of dread is your basement or attic, puppy punching, two left footedness, chemical dependency, ground beef dependency, better website dependency, boredom eating, laugh line strain (extremely rare), nausea, inability to unread what you just read, and numbness of the outer extremities.

Sports As Life Presents: An Off the Cuff Offseason

In an effort to keep things rolling during the unending drudgery of the NFL offseason, I’m throwing open the doors of the highly exclusive Sports As Life dining room. Whereas we usually have a strict NFL jersey-only dress code (or at least a Big 12 jersey), the rules will be relaxed in the coming months – so much so that you probably won’t even have to wear clothes to get a seat in here. If I could borrow a line from King of Hill, “No shirt? No shoes? … Yes service!”


Want to read about how I have a pair of pants that are 10% asbestos? We’ve got a table for you.

Want to read about why baseball is the best spectator sport? We’ve got a table for you.

Want to read about why I can’t wait for a new Justin Timberlake album? Why don’t you grab a seat at the bar, you’re table will be ready in about 20 minutes.

Is there something you want to lazily glance through during your lunch break? Let me know. Have you written something that others could lazily glance through during their lunch break? Let me know. Have you written a long-form epic ode to Han Solo and are looking for the proper forum to post it in? What about your Snakes on a Place fan fiction? Look no further!

Trust me, this will be better than reading constant revisions of my “47 Point Plan to Turn the Kansas City Chiefs Into a Super Bowl Contender.” Don’t worry, we’ll still be talking about the upcoming draft and the never ending coaching carousel – but I think this is a good way to fill in some space on those slow weeks. And there are sure to be some of them.

As it stands now, the main feature of the Off the Cuff Offseason is going to be a recurring segment called, “The Continuing Misadventures of Napoleon in Rags.” More on that later - I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

Addendum: I wrote this post over a week ago and some things have happened since then that I should at least mention:

First, I have nothing, nor will have anything to say about the Eric Tillman situation. Why? Well, because for starters it's not funny and that basically eliminates 98% of my repitoire. And second because there is nothing to say, until the truth comes out, what else am I supposed to add? Any personal commentary I have would surely put me in a libelous situation and I don't have the legal team for that. So, for the time being we will be ignoring the spiky-haired elephant in the room.

Also, I apologize for missing out on Groundhog Day, just so that I could post one of my all-time favorite movie quotes:

"This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Well, it used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You're hypocrites, all of you!"


And finally, lost in the Super Bowl hulabaloo was the fact that Feb.1 was the 2nd anniversary of Sports As Life. Don't worrry if you forgot to send a card, I had forgotten about it as well. I just want to say thanks to everyone who has stopped by the site or has participated in any way - if it weren't for you, I wouldn't still be doing this.