The 2nd Annual Sports As Life College Football Bowlstravaganza

Yes folks, Cooper is back to wade through the unending mire of the college football bowl season; previewing all the highlights, lowlights and which games you should shovel your driveway during.

If We Make it Through December. Bowl Predictions Part 1 of 6? 7? 8?

“If we make it through December we’ll be fine”... Merle Haggard.



That is what I am telling myself as I am gearing up for another busy college bowl season. I am going to buckle down this year and give a synopsis on every game. Synopsis is the word I am looking for, right? Anyway, yes I will preview and predict all 20-bowl games. Hold on, I am being informed that there are actually 34 bowl games this year. 34? That can’t possibly be right. Why that would mean that 68 of 119 teams are guaranteed a bowl game. What’s that you say? They want to add another 5 bowl games for next season. Why not just have 59 bowl games so that 118 of the 119 teams get a bowl game, that way everybody is a winner.(Ed. Note - Just like the CFL playoffs) Well all except for whoever is ranked 119th at the end of the season which is always either the Black Nights of Army or the Idaho Vandals.

This seasons bowl schedule kicks off this Saturday and goes until sometime in mid-January. The 8th of January to be precise. I will not preview every game at the present time, to do that in one sitting would be way too time consuming. And to make you the reader take in that much information in one sitting would be sadistic. Oh some breaking college football news, as I write this on what is Tuesday evening, everybody’s favorite octogenarian head coach Joe Paterno, at the age of 81 has just been given a 3 year extension to remain the head ball coach at Penn St. In all honesty I am happy to see him coming back to coach.

December 20th:

EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest (7-5) @ Navy (8-4)
It’s good to see that in this time of dire financial ruin that a major U.S financial institution is throwing away money to sponsor a bowl game between Wake Forest and Navy. Kudos’ to you EagleBank, Kudos. What’s that you say? Each member of the winning team gets a free house on which you foreclosed on. That’s just excellent.

Oh this game is also a rarity in that Wake Forest and Navy have already met earlier this season in which Navy won 24 – 17.

Navy to win the rematch 31 – 27

New Mexico Bowl: Fresno St (7-5) @ Colorado St (6-6)
Hmmm apparently the legendary head coach of Alabama Paul “Bear” Bryant was somewhat of a douchebag.


(Ed. Note - To be fair, if I had to stare at the cream suit, I'd be pissed too)

I imagine that he was just still upset because he was told he had to have black players on his team by the national guard. Well still he is not nearly half the asshole that Nick Saban is.



Fresno St to win

MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis (6-6) @ South Florida (7-5)
Please let Magicjack be a local chain of flapjack houses in the St. Petersburg area, that would be so awesome. Oh they are just a free long distance phone company. Dammit!

Who would have guessed that Russians enjoyed college football enough to host a bowl game? I believe the MVP of this game gets a free Lada sedan.

Better yet who would have guessed that The Gambler, Kenny Rogers was such a kick ass bass player.



Then again who would have guessed that apparent greasy hippy is even Kenny Rogers. By my estimate the man has been sporting that beard for the better part of 40 years. That’s a hell of a long time to stick with one facial hairstyle. And I for one salute him for it. What do you think is under that beard? A Chuck Norris like fist? A Chuck Norris beard? Chuck Norris? Or carcasses of some fine roasted chickens? My money is on the chicken.



I highly recommend getting the studio version of that song “Ruby Don’t Take your Love to Town”, it is fantastic. Nothing beats a good old country song about shooting and putting your cheating old lady in the ground.

Just like South Florida will bury Memphis.

Las Vegas Bowl: #17 BYU (10-2) @ Arizona (7-5)
I imagine that when the fine people of the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Las Vegas decided to host a bowl game that they wanted to attract certain teams and their fan bases to come to their fine city and spend money drinking, gambling and whoring it up. Well Las Vegas open your arms up to Brigham Young University and it’s fine fan base which makes up the majority of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Yes a team of devout Mormon’s and their fans are making the holy trek across the salt flats to Vegas to play the Wildcats of Arizona. Actually it appears that BYU makes a yearly appearance in this game having played in it the last 3 seasons. Maybe it is made to be that way to give the Mormans one day of debauchery. Well here is a random clip from last years Las Vegas Bowl which I oddly enough remember watching live.



When BYU wins this game their fans will be staying up till the wee hours of 11 pm to celebrate the win. I believe there is a planned celebratory scripture reading at the Wynn following the game.

BYU to win


December 21st:

R&LCNO Bowl: Southern Miss (6-6) @ Troy (8-4)
The actual full name for this game is “The R and L Carriers New Orleans Bowl”…Jesus tap dancing Christ! I assume neither R and L Carriers nor the City of New Orleans had enough money to sponsor a bowl game on their own so they decided to pool their resources in this time of financial woes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OirqsNwEqI0 (Ed. Note - I can't embed that video, so you'll just have to follow the link to watch it)

That commercial is almost as bad as the legendary commercial for Ron and Ally’s pizza which featured North Star legendary tender Gilles Meloche



Troy St to win. Don’t ask why I think that. Just accept it


December 23rd:

Poinsettia Bowl: #11 TCU (10-2) @ #9 Boise St (12-0)
This is actually known as the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. The people at the San Diego County Credit Union would like to remind you over this holiday season to stay classy while we foreclose on your ass.


Seriously, Boise St wins their conference by decimating every team they faced, are undefeated and the best they get is the Poinsettia Bowl? Does the bowl selection committee not remember Boise St – Oklahoma from 2 years ago? Only the best bowl game ever!




(Ed. Note - Those videos still give me chils, and probably always will)

Seriously though this should be one of the better bowl games this year. It is just a shame two quality teams are forced to play in such a meaningless bowl game.


Boise St to win


So that is 6 down, only 28 more bowl games to go. Next up are the games spanning Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. Serenity Now! Serenity Now!

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

It is the final weekend of the college football regular season. There are mostly conference title games this weekend with a sprinkling of meaningless rivalry games thrown in. Then after a few weeks rest we begin an orgy of 60 + bowl games such as “The Meineke Car Care Bowl”, “The Outback Bowl, brought to you by Outback Steakhouse”, “The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl” and so on and so on and so on. Oh also the GMAC Bowl from Detroit. That is if General Motors is still in existence in 2 weeks time. We will wait and see I guess.

#12 Ball St (12-0) @ Buffalo (7-5): MAC title game. I see that this game is currently in progress and it is currently 7 – 7.


I’ll take Balls St.
(Ed. Note - Since Cooper sent this on Friday and I'm posting on Saturday, I'll share with you that Buffalo trounced the Balls St. 42-24)

East Carolina (8-4) @ Tulsa (10-2): The Conference USA title game features the Pirates of East Carolina versus the Golden Hurricanes of Tulsa……So a few days ago I was relaxing on the couch watching tv when I saw in the tv listings a show on APTN called “Cooking With Wolfman”. Interesting I thought, so I checked it out. I was sadly disappointed to find that it was not at all what I had envisioned as I had assumed this so called “Wolfman” was Wolfman Jack. Was anyone out there aware of this?

I will take Tulsa to Win.

#18 Boston College (9-3) @ V-Tech (8-4): ACC title game. You know what marriage has taught me. It has recently taught me that if you own a sweet vintage 1970’s Coke machine that you are no longer allowed to keep it and must sell it. Also I have learned that when married you are no longer allowed to buy a sweet vintage 1970’s coke machine for $300. And before you ask, yes it is in perfect working condition. My dream was to purchase it and place it in the sunroom in the summer and stock it full of ice cold Miller High Life…The bottles, not the cans! Serenity Now, Serenity Now!

(Ed. Note - Since Cooper didn't include a winner for this game, I'll tell you that Virginia Tech won 30-12)

#1 Alabama (12-0) @ #2 Florida (11-1): Well it appears that in this year's SEC Conference final we have Coach Satan versus Coach Hitler. I will let you decide who is who. I really would like to see nothing more than both teams lose but sadly someone must win. I am a big fan of Alabama’s simple crimson red helmets with white numbers.

Alabama to win…It truly pains me to say that. The only satisfying outcome for an Alabama win is if unruly Bama fans rush the field at the end and trample Nick Saban to death.


Photo from sundaynonsports.files.wordpress.com

#19 Missouri (9-3) @ #3 Oklahoma (11-1): Did anyone happen to watch the Oklahoma – Oklahoma State game last Saturday? No? Didn’t think so. Well I did and no less than 6 times did I see WWE’s Jim Ross walking the Sooners sideline. Don’t know where I am going with this. Forget it.

So let me get this straight. Texas beats Oklahoma and finishes with the same record as Oklahoma yet Oklahoma goes to the title game over Texas. Now if Mizzou happens to upset Oklahoma then Texas, not Mizzou would go to the BCS title game. Ya no need for a simplified playoff system is there?

Oklahoma to win.

Now you are probably asking yourself where are the pictures of scantily clad college women representing their school. Well I say if you can find an attractive woman on the campus of Ball State, Buffalo, East Carolina, Tulsa, Virginia Tech, Boston College, Missouri or Oklahoma than you definitely have lower standards than I.

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

Ok I am back after a two week hiatus. The buffaloes were plentiful on the moon, however I contend that I was simply saving up precious energy that will be needed for the upcoming bowl schedule. If I am going to preview 40 + bowls games then I need time to rest before the storm. This is the final weekend of regular season play. Up next are conference finals and an orgy of bowls.

#19 Oregon (8-3) @ #17 Oregon St (8-3): It doesn’t look like much when you see who is playing but this could be the most important game in the history of college football. If Oregon St can pull out a victory against Oregon in this year's version of the Civil War then Oregon St. will win the Pac – 10 Championship. So what you ask?! Well that means that USC will not be eligible for the Rose Bowl which would be awesome. I hate USC more than hoboes. C’mon Oregon St.

Were You Aware of It? Oregon St head coach Mike Riley guided the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to Grey Cup victories in 1988 and 1990. And were you aware that the 1988 team was quarterbacked by non other than ESPN’s own Sean Salisbury.


Were you even aware of it?

Oregon St to win.


(Ed. Note - Two things, first it should be noted that Salisbury no longer works for ESPN. He was fired a few months ago. And second, since this game is known as the Civil War and to celebrate the release of Chinese Democracy I thought I should add this)



What's so civil about war anyway?

Virginia (5-6) @ V–Tech (7-4): The Commonwealth Cup is up for grabs once again in what is the 90th meeting between these interstate rivals.

Speaking of me and my apparent beet farm as mentioned by the editor earlier in the week, here’s an idea I had awhile back but kept tucked away in the deep fissures of my warped mind. It seems that the growing and selling of corn in southern Manitoba is a big business. I was thinking that I could get in on this profitable market by growing a large crop of corn and then selling it to the public at a chain of my own local corn stands called, wait for it……”The Corn Hole”, or “Corn Holed”. Patent Pending, Patent Pending Patent Pending! I am totally expecting this to be edited out so I am sure none of it will ever get read. (Ed. Note - Are you kidding? What are franchises going for? I want to be in on the ground floor!) Now who wants to give me their money and get in on the ground floor?

V-Tech in close one.

#2 Florida (10-1) @ #23 Florida St (8-3): This year marks the 53rd meeting between Florida and Florida St in the “Sunshine Showdown”. These two teams battle it out for the Jeb Bush Cup. It is Jeb isn’t it? Anyway, I can’t see Florida losing this game, or the SEC championship game against Alabama the week after - and then look for Florida to win the National Title. Needless to say I will take Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin and the Gators.

Here is some eye candy for those who only read the column to satisfy their own male curiosity.



Auburn (5-6) @ #1 Alabama (11-0): Aurburn and Alabama meet every year in what is known as the Iron Bowl. This year is 73rd meeting between these two hated rivals in which they compete for the Foy – ODK Sportsmanship Award

The most famous Iron Bowl took place in 1985 in which Alabama drove 65 yards with 57 seconds left to set up a 52 yard field goal



I can’t see this years game being as close as previous battles. Alabama wins with ease.

Mississippi St (4-7) @ #25 Ole Miss (7-4): This Friday marks the 105th time these two teams have met in what is known as the Egg Bowl. Note this game is on Friday not Saturday. Not that anyone cares but I am telling you anyway.

On completely unrelated matter I happened to hear about an upcoming sporting event taking place in Winnipeg this January which I am intrigued to go see. The WWE is making a stop here January 9th. Normally I wouldn’t give a damn - however, someone who I am sure we all loathed as kids is featured in the “Main Event”. I couldn’t tell you who the other 3 participants are in the featured tag team matchup are, however the one name that did stand out was that of Ted DiBiase. Yes the same Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. The man has got to be what 60, 70 years old? And apparently he is no longer “The Million Dollar Man”, but the “I’m Not to Proud for a Soup Kitchen Man”. Looks like Irwin R Shister ended up winning in the end.

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

So anyone else out there see the phenomenal game between Texas and Texas Tech last Saturday night? Anyone? Beuller, Beuller?



Well I honestly don’t have the steam to do this today but I said I would do it so here goes. I figure I better get cracking and get this done before I have to spend the weekend with the out-laws, I mean in-laws. And it will be a long, long weekend.

#3 Penn St (9-0) @ Iowa (5-4): Looks like the lack of any quality opponents this year will seriously hurt Penn State’s chances of not only getting to the BCS championship game, let alone win it all. Even if Penn State runs the table the rest of the way they have to hope for an Alabama or Texas Tech loss to help catapult them into the BCS game. This looks like the only viable weekend for both Alabama and Texas Tech to lose is this weekend.


I include this pick after I read an article about how 1 in every 4 men have a foot fetish. I assume there are 4 people who read this blog, so I will leave it up to you to discuss among yourselves who that person is out of the group. My money is on a Mr J. [redacted], I mean Jeff T.




I’ll take Penn St

Cincinnati (6-2) @ #20 West Virginia (6-2): I honestly have nothing to say about this game whatsoever. So I will just provide visual aide to guide your decision on who to pick for the win. The city and University of Cincinnati is well represented by the following buxom beauties.




For those of you who do not get these references don’t look here for explanation. You obviously don’t enjoy good sitcoms.


(Ed. Note - I promis you, that will be the only time Nick Lachey appears in this space)

I will take Cincinnati to win. To be honest I am only picking them to win so I can link to this


(Ed. Note - Best theme song ever or best theme song ever? Welcome Back Kotter might give it a run for it's money. Might.)

#22 Georgia Tech (7-2) @ #19 N. Carolina (6-2): Nothing to say about this game either. So in lue of commentary here is a tribute to the hobo we found dead on the tracks Monday.

In the big rock candy mountain you never change your socks
and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks
So your socks get good and stinky and you’re always good and drunk
It’s the bestest time that you ever had
You won’t miss your friends or your mom or your dad in the big rock candy mountain

In the big rock candy mountain there’s a hole that’s full of treats
And the rocks all taste like sugar drops and the dirt is nice and sweet
You can eat some as you work the mines to bring me precious gems
There’s a Hobo shed, and some paint made of lead
You know you’re done a paintin’ when you wake up dead in the big rock candy mountain

I love the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch, the breasts there grow on trees
And streams of bacon ranch dressing flow right up to your knees
There’s tumbleweeds of bacon and cheddar paves the streets
You get to Veg all day all the lotto tickets paid
There’s a king who wants you to have it your way at the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch.

Hmm sounds like a song for Hoboes to lure children, and my hope to get sponsorship by BK.




I’ll take North Carolina.

#8 Oklahoma St (8-1) @ #2 Texas Tech (9-0): Michael Crabtree was gracious enough to get into the endzone for the last second game winning TD last Saturday, thus netting me $310 on Pro-Line. In return I offer him a delicious recipe… I assume he is a big fan and avid reader of my column.

How to Cook Owls

1. Look into it’s eyes
2. Kill it
3. Remove the thing that makes it purr
4. Remove it’s clockwork innards
5. Rub it all over with myrtle and salt
6. Sacrifice 100 goats to Athena
7. Don’t discard the little bolus of mouse bones you find in it’s tummy – that’s a delicacy
8. Then cook as you would crows



I assume Michael Crabtree and Graham Harrell have been with all of them


And this one as well I assume after Texas Tech routs Oklahoma St.

And once again it is time for the Brown Bag Special of the week. This week we feature a WAC conference game. I believe that is a first for this column.

Hawaii (4-5) @ New Mexico State (3-5): My interest in this game can be summed up by with the following common folk remedy.

If you have eczema and you do not have a baby to put in your bath, make a salve of cat fur, candle wax, goose grease, boiled carrots, and cornmeal. Eat this, and then vomit into a sack. If you can get someone to open the sack, then theoretically they should catch your eczema and you should be cured.



I’ll take Hawaii in this one. And if they win you too should be cured of your horrible affliction with eczema.

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

Happy Halloween to all. Seeing how this is the weekend for fright and ghouls and all that jazz, and kids running around stuffing bags full of candy I have decided to do something a little different with this weeks picks. I have decided to pick what could turn out to be the worst games of the weekend. The most putrid teams that Pro-Line has decided to throw are way will be previewed here. God Forbid they would want to offer up the Texas @ Texas Tech game for us to bet on, instead they have offered up these nuggets of gold. So here they are 5 brown bag specials to stuff full of whatever you would like.

Michigan (2-6) @ Purdue (2–6): Hmmmm let’s see. Ah here we go:


And representing Purdue is


Frightening indeed.

I’ll go with the ladies from Michigan, as Jackie Moon would say “ugly as s**t”. But they have a canoe.

Miami(Fl) (5-3) @ Virginia (5-3): I am not even going to bother searching for ugmo’s at “The U” because they don’t exist. At the University of Virginia however it is a completely different story…..



Virginia gives “The U” a good old-fashioned ugly stick beat down

Auburn (4-4) @ Ole Miss (4-4): Ya this is the worst I could find for Auburn…not really frightening whatsoever…

When I think of Mississippi my thoughts immediately go to something like this


I assume that the only pre-requisite to get into Ole Miss is that you are short at least 3 major chromosomes and enjoy dressing up every Friday night in your finest white ghost costume from Halloween whilst burning lower case “t’s” on lawns. That’ll show those damn richers.

I’ll take Kent Austin and the Rebels to win. I assume there will be some celebratory "burnings" in the woods of Mississippi Saturday night.

Colorado (4-4) @ Texas A&M (3-5): The Buffaloes roam into College Station with this gloomy guss


And whatever the hell this is


Texas A&M counters with this. This picture came from a TAMU website that states she is indeed a grad of said school.


Her last name is Oliphant and she reads Dog Fancy magazine. How fitting. I am probably the only person in the world who finds that so amusing.

I’ll take the Buffaloes and what appears to be their Steven Hawking Love child to win.

Tennessee (3-5) @ So. Carolina (5-3): I was going to use another picture of Pat Summitt here to illustrate the hideousness of this year's Tennessee team, however I believe that reference has been driven into the ground. Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you the 2007 – 08 Lady Vols.


Can you say corn fed?

The Lady Vols are up against the Gamecock gnome



I’ll go with the gnome.

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

It appears that Cooper has made his way back from the wilderness and is here to ponder the questions that have vexed man since the dawn of time - namely, how exactly does one tie a noose?

Well I am finally back in the land known as hell after my 10-day stay at fantasy camp. A fantasy camp without Microsoft word on the staff computer, but still a fantasy camp nonetheless. Before I get to this weekend's picks I must apologize for my pick of Mizzou over Texas. After Colt McCoy made the game 28 – 0 for Texas the phrase “I thought the Generals were due” passed my lips no less than 8 times. So for that lousy pick please accept my sincere apologies and let me restate, I thought the Generals were due!

After spending some time in the north forgive me if I over estimate the attractiveness of some of the co-eds that I find this week.

#2 Alabama (7-0) @ Tennessee (3-4): Alabama ranked 2nd in the nation behind Texas rolls into Knoxville to face a disappointing Volunteer team. I have read that this southern belle attended the University of Alabama.


(ED. NOTE - Now how does that have anything to do with Alabama football)

The disappointment of Tennessee this year can be summed up with Pat Summitt and one of her lady Vols.


I’ll take Alabama to win.

#23 Boston College (5-1) @ N. Carolina (5-2): Well Boston College comes into this game represented by these



While the Tar Heals counter with this group


A tough decision yes, but I will have to go with Boston College

#8 Texas Tech (7-0) @ #19 Kansas (5-2): Texas Tech comes into this game with one of the nations best offenses, powered by Graham Harrell, Michael Crabtree and the Texas Tech Swim team


The Jayhawks on the other hand have home field advantage and a little thing called the Mangino factor


Even though I am pulled towards picking Kansas, undoubtedly due to Mangino’s own gravitational pull I am still going to go with Texas Tech.

#9 Georgia (6-1) @ #11 LSU (5-1):Both these teams have been featured numerous times before so it is getting to be slim pickins on quality coeds to post for each school.

Yet again the University of Georgia’s coed body is represented by these two fine ladies


While LSU is represented with the following trio


I will have to go with LSU in this one as well as go get me some rollerblades

And finally this week's Brown Bag Special. Beneath the cover of the brown bag this week is the match up between the Minnesota Golden Gophers and the Purdue Boilermakers.

#25 Minnesota (6-1) @ Purdue (2-5): When we peer inside the brown bag this week we can see the Minnesota is represented by this supposed pack of stampeding elephants


And Purdue is represented by them


The decision here is similar to the choice one would make when confronted with a shark. Do you a) Swim away from the shark to save your life. Or b) Swim headfirst into the shark accepting that all hope is lost.

At present time I would have to go with plan b) Just give up and aim right for the shark.

I will take Minnesota to win

So if you will excuse me I should be getting back to reality, picking up some sports selects, putting up my feet and enjoying some college football. Hey look a length of rope.

Coach Cooper Hates Your Team

Ed. Note - Cooper is apparently stuck in Mongolia this week, as he does not have access to a word processing program. So Coach Cooper Hates Your Team will not be airing in it's entirity this weekend. He's still sent in picks and I might add some pictures if I find the wherewithall.


My 5 picks for the week are:

Missouri over Texas
LSU over South Carolina
Alabama over Ole Miss
Georgia Tech over Clemson

and the Brown Bagger will be

Navy over Pitt

This:

Over this: