The Patented Chris-Check

CH returns with The Patented Chris-Check to ease your hockey jones.

Spurred on by the allegations a few months ago of Sean Avery ridiculing Jason Blake’s cancer, I’ve decided to look in to the world of trash talk and come up with some guidelines on what is appropriate and what isn’t. Darcy-Tucker-character-defamation-theories aside (what better way to make someone look like the biggest ass in the world, than by claiming they ridiculed the big C?), more than likely Sean Avery did say what he was accused of. I, like all other fans, hate him. But one can’t argue with the results – Avery ended up with the GWG, got Tucker to take stupid penalties, and ultimately frazzled the Leafs and took their focus off of hockey.

An aside:

Without knowing him personally, and not being able to back this up, I have a theory: Toronto Maple Leaf forward Jason Blake is a jerk.

Yes, that Jason Blake. The one with a rare form of cancer who continues to play in the NHL. Bad things have been known to not only happen to good people. Avery is a jerk, but I find it extremely hard to believe anyone would call Blake out on this without being overly provoked. Then just a few weeks ago Downie gives Blake a reverse hammer-punch to the face, while he is being held by a linesman. Even for Downie, this seems a little extreme under the circumstances. Downie was somehow not kicked out of the game, yet there was no comeuppance whatsoever delivered by any of the Leafs. You’ve got to wonder when no one on the team comes to Blake’s aid under the circumstances. Perhaps they’re sick of backing him up.

End of aside.

How personal should trash talking be? If you’re going to go as far as Avery did, you would think it would be in a little more important of a situation than one of eighty-two regular season games.

No one can argue with the results of Materazzi using personal insults on Zidane in the 2006 World Cup final. If you knew badmouthing someone’s mother and sister would preserve a World Cup title, you’d say it too. Then again, without the benefit of hindsight, and not knowing Zidane would take the most ridiculously obvious red card I have ever seen, would you be able to say something that personally hurtful on the off-chance a fellow competitor won’t just simply brush it off? Probably not, but the line of appropriateness is obviously blurred in multi-million dollar professional sports. In professional sports I’d say playoff games of any kind put most rules out the window.

Unless it’s the race card, or knowledge of real issues with someone’s children - nothing is off limits. It’s a disservice to a city and your team’s fans if you withhold inside information that could gain an edge with your opponent.

Religion? If mentioning your teddy bear’s name is Mohammed gets the other team a red card, why not go there? Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be 40 to be a man. Victims of trash talk really need to suck it up for the sake of their team. If parking officers can take it, why can’t a professional athlete?

But where does this leave the average folk reading this column?

In rec sports and weekend warrior games, anything beyond mild ridicule to a team’s most aggressive and skilled players is probably going to be seen as too far. That’s not to say it shouldn’t be done. It is part of being competitive, and I daresay, one of the more enjoyable aspects of amateur sport – within limits.

First of all, it should be used as a reactive measure. Proactive trash talk in beer league isn’t going to make you any friends on the other team or your own. But if some smarmy dude is rubbing out players and being an ass, he’s fair game.

Secondly, at this level personal insults aren’t necessary. The best way to get into someone’s head is to comment on actions and stupid plays. Some old standby’s are people with bad haircuts, or commenting on the score board. If using the scoreboard, make sure you are at least somewhat responsible for your team’s good fortunes. No one likes an arrogant ankle skater.

Even more effective than these, is a mocking in front of others - even if it's not directly related to how someone looks or plays. People don’t like to get laughed at, even if it has nothing to do with their ability or personal lives. For example: Were your parents cousins who also sucked at baseball? The possibilities are endless, and are best left as spur of the moment.

I for one am intrigued by the art, and only wish that helmet mics in the NFL and CFL actually let us hear what is being said out on the field, instead of being used for witty team mate chit chat, and the noise of shoulder pad collisions. I bet soccer has by far the most personal trash talk, especially on the international stage where blind patriotism often gives a free pass to racism.

I could go on and on with this subject, but won’t until further inspired. If you’ve read up to this point, congratulations on making it through 850 words of drivel – loser.