You Bet Your Life

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Well the world's most erratic handicapper and prognosticator is back for another week of College Football picks. Last week I was 4 – 2 against the spread, but only 2 – 4 on picking the overall winner, and for the 3 straight weeks my “Lock of the Week” lost. Alabama and Clemson have just made the “Do Not Bet On List”. Whether I bet on them or against them these two teams always seem to screw me over. I digress. This weekend is one of the biggest weekends in college football with some big time rivalry games. An anonymous person said they wanted me to pick games based on what teams have the hottest drunk co-eds. I have done an extensive amount of research on this topic, reading periodicals and looking at actual game and dorm room web cam footage. I can say this; the ladies from the South are very nice, while the girls from the Midwest are awful beefy and very corn-fed.

#10 Oklahoma (4-1) @ #19 Texas (4-1): This years version of the Red River Shootout is a little tainted after both teams suffered huge upset losses last weekend. The Sooners lost to the lowly Colorado Buffaloes and Texas lost to Kansas State, at home none the less. This is a neutral site game at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas so there is no home field advantage for either team. Oklahoma is favored by –9.5, but Texas does have some very good looking female fans so that should make this game closer. However, these are rarely close games. I have to go with Oklahoma. I would have liked to go with Texas though - just so I could work in the good old saying “You can’t spell cook-supper without OU.” Note: “Cook-supper” is not in the actual saying however for PG13 reasons I have to think of a word that is close. I am sure you can figure it out for yourselves.
Oklahoma 34 – Texas 17

#15 Va-Tech (4–1) @ #22 Clemson (4-1): With my past luck in picking games that involve Clemson I am sure that whatever my pick is here I will end up losing. Both teams are offensively inept. V-Tech has struggled to move the ball all season (refer to games against East Carolina and LSU for proof) and Clemson has struggled to move that ball since the start of the 2nd half of their season opener against Florida St. Clemson in this one is favored by –5.5, based solely on the fact that they are playing at home. This game will be a close defensive battle that is decided by a field goal. Thus I have to give the nod to V-Tech in this one. After Clemson missed 5 field goals last week against Georgia Tech I am certain that their place-kicker is either an amputee missing a leg or is a paraplegic.
V-Tech 17 – Clemson 14

#9 Florida (4-1) @ #1 LSU (5-0): I have concluded from my research that if you want to catch glimpses of hot, young college girls, this is a must watch game! At this point in the season I am convinced that the only team that can give LSU a run for it’s money is USC. LSU is a monster of a team with plenty of NFL talent, especially on defense. Florida is coming off a huge upset loss at home to Auburn last Saturday and will be all sorts of fired up, however I like LSU too much. I predict them to be national champs at seasons end. So naturally I am taking LSU plus the points.
LSU 34 – Florida 24

#12 Georgia (4-1) @ Tennessee (2-2): Just like the Florida-LSU game, both Georgia and Tennessee have some good-looking females at their games. How is it that so many hot chicks come from the south yet the gene pool is oh so small? Anyway, Tennessee at home is favored to win by –2.5. Normally I would say that Tennessee at home in front of 100,000 + drunk, screaming fans would be a guarantee to cover almost any spread. However, this Georgia team is too good, especially on the road. Tennessee will win in a game decided by a late field goal. If there is any game you pick as a tie on Pro-line this weekend, this is the one.
Tennessee 20 – Georgia 18

Notre Dame (0-5) @ UCLA (4-1): Ok I am lobbing myself softball with this one I know. Notre Dame is just plain awful. A special kind of awful. UCLA is favored to win this one by –19.5. As bad as Notre Dame is I don’t believe UCLA can cover this large of a spread. UCLA will win, just not by a whopping 20 points.
UCLA 31 – Notre Dame 15

And finally my dreaded “Lock of the Week”. For this weeks pick I go to a Big 12 North battle between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Mizzou Tigers. These teams meet each and every year to battle is out for a giant bell. Why? I am not sure. Both teams are obviously from the Midwest, thus a majority of the female patronage is how we say - “Corn-fed”.

#25 Nebraska (4-1) @ #17 Missouri (4-0): Many of you would assume that I would go with Nebraska to win this game however I am not swayed by loyalties. I strongly believe in money over loyalties and this is what this column is all about, winning money. Mizzou comes into this game favored by –6.5. Mizzou runs a spread offence and, just like Michigan, Nebraska struggles mightily defending a spread offence (refer to the game against Ball St). I envision Mizzou QB Chase Daniels matriculating the ball down the field all night. Mizzou wins and covers the spread.
Mizzou 45 – Nebraska 21