32 Teams in 30-Some Days - Atlanta Falcons

The Atlanta Falcons

Amy: So, Fry, Atlanta was an American city in your time?
Fry: I think it was just an airport. They had a place where you could buy nuts.
Umbriel: No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just a Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis, the equal of Paris or New York.
Fry: That's right, honey! Whatever you say.
Umbriel: Look at these fabulous ruins. Turner Field, the Coca-Cola bottling plant, the, uh, the airport.

I sort of wish Atlanta was at the bottom of the ocean right now - at least then I wouldn't have to write this stupid preview.

In fact, I have absolutely nothing to say about the Falcons - they could probably not show up to any of their games this season and I wouldn't notice. Yes they drafted Matt Ryan number 3 overall in draft - but there's really no reason at all for him to see much of the field this season. They going to be awful no matter what, so why ruin him early?

Instead of the drudgery of a Falcons preview I'm putting up videos of all those 90's fad-rap songs we knew and loved - mostly just because I can. In fact, I think I'm going to rank them by how well they hold up today.

#1 - "Jump Jump" by Kriss Kross

This might be a surprise #1 to some people, but what can I say? It's still a good song. Great beat and those backwards kids could actually rap a bit. Although I can't believe wearing your jeans backwards was ever cool - even if it was only for about 5 minutes.

#2 - "Jump Around" by House of Pain

This is probably #1 on most people's lists - but it gets bumped down to number 2 here. Although it might be the best opening 30 seconds of any song, ever.

#3 - "Informer" by Snow

Do you still remember the first time you said to yourself, "Wait, he's white?" It was a seminal moment in all of our lives - we all had to grow up sometime. Informer has a good beat but I still think he's just making up the "words" as he goes. This might actually be the better song:


#4 - Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

This... this is really not anywhere as good as it used to be. For Ice Ice Baby to be enjoyable it needs to be played at maximum volume so the bass line can be enjoyed at its best. Although I do love Vanilla Ice wearing his University of Miami sweatshirt in the video - he's so hardcore. The opening David Bowie/Queen sample is probably the only reason this song was popular in the first place. I'm obviously getting older because I think Ice Ice Baby is weak and this is a great song:


#5 - Can't Touch This by MC Hammer

Awful, just awful. I can't believe people used to listen to this and enjoy it - myself included. With all the others I can still listen to them and remember what I liked about each one. But not Can't Touch This. No wonder this guy went broke, nobody wanted to hear this stupid song ever again. At least the other songs get put on party mixes and are played at block parties and ugly people's weddings. Super Freak is a better song for goodness sake.

Now that I've met my yearly quota of YouTube clips, I've got an aside:

Hey Mongolia - why don't you just go suck it!?!! We're rolling with our 4 medals now. You're next Azerbaijan!! CAN-A-DA!! CAN-A-DA!! CAN-A-DA!!