The Patented Chris-Check

This week's (bi-monthly?, semi-annual?, randomly timed?) Chris-Check is a combination of its regular hockey theme, as well as the wonderful There's No Accounting For Taste column. As opposed to Trebor though, I try to watch and support scripted television, and rue the days my teste-less living mate stumbles upon the latest in trashy, reality television.

I was scrolling through the Max menu a few weeks ago, and the title M.V.P. on CBC caught my eye. I obviously took for granted that our Nation's Station was showing the classic, M.V.P.: Most Valuable Primate, and switched to this channel as quickly as my stubby fingers would allow. Low and behold, there was no hockey playing monkey to be found. I watched for 5 minutes and noticed there was no skateboarding monkey - this wasn't the far inferior sequel Most Vertical Primate either. In fact there were no actual chimpanzees to be seen anywhere.

I was disappointed, yet curious. I decided to wait for the theme and title. What I was watching was the new weekly original CBC series, MVP - The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives. What kind of name is that? What does MVP have to do with them? Am I a little dim and missing an obvious acronym? Which of these women won their Pee Wee Cupar Tournament C side championship MVP award and has the hat to prove it (do you still have that hat Mitch?)?

The title bugged me, but I decided to give it a chance. So what exactly were these hockeywives secretly doing you ask? The plot of this particular episode included the addition of the team's new coach. The team had just been through a slump, and he was there to make changes. Every player had to get interviewed to keep their jobs, and there were a lot of trade rumours going on. Most of the episode involved the wives dealing with what the press was saying, gossiping about who would leave, and trying to suck up to the coach's wife. According to the episode, the rule in pro hockey is that if your wife befriends the coach's wife you'll never get traded.

Never again will I clamour for NHL trade rumours after seeing how the gossip affects real lives. Some of these hockey wives were too upset to even shop. But these brave souls still got dressed up and put on a charity event anyway. Hair pulling and hijinks ensued, much to no one's amusement. All the debauchery was of course caught on tape by the media, since we all know about the Canadian paparazzi and their tenacity at finding the dirt on Marcus Nilson's girlfriend.

The most annoying of these women berated her goaltender husband for having a bad game, then hit him repeatedly when she found out he got traded. Poor guy... she wasn't even that hot. Not every girlfriend/wife is a bimbo though. The team captain is the "nice guy". His girlfriend is new to the club, and is the excuse for the show having one of the wives openly explain what is happening and how things work. She's nice, and supposed to be the normal girl-next-door type on the show.

Instead she comes across as an ugly cousin.

She is better looking though than the new rookie's girlfriend, who is actually supposed to be the young good looking chick all the wives are jealous of. Only on Canadian TV do they find a troll to play this part. This new 20 year old rookie apparently never had alcohol in junior, and gets taken out for his first night out drinking. Here he ends up cheating on his girlfriend. 75% of the team cheats while on the road. Not their fault though, they're hockey players. They're just having a good time - boys will be boys. It's part of the code that it's allowed. Some of the wives apparently know this and allow it. Other's are devastated when those damn paparazzi catch their husbands in the act.

Isn't that how Mike Ricci's third marriage failed?

If you can handle slow motion montages of hockey players walking through airports, grade D actress/models being catty, and sports cliches, as well as get past the fact that the visitors dressing room in Boston Gardens looks like a walk-in closet with lawn chairs, then this show may be for you.

I'll rent Air Bud: Most Valuable Pup instead.