Upon Further Review - Week 14 in the NFL

To open this week's Upon Further Review, we're going all the way back to last Thursday night. I know that must seem like a million years ago but please try and think back if you can - it'll be worth it.

... Bryant Gumbel is the worst thing to happen to the NFL since the Aaron Brooks Experience. Gumbel does the play-by-play for Thursday games on the NFL Network - and he is a strange hybrid of monstrously awful and unbelievably spectacular (if only from a comedic standpoint). To wit - as Redskins' QB Jason Campbell was on the turf writhing in agony - his kneecap clearly displaced - Gumbel remarked with total seriousness - Hmmm, doesn't look like we'll see him again tonight. Really Bryant? Gumbel also seemed mystified as to why the crowd in Washington was cheering Campbell as he was being carted off the field. And then to top it all off Gumbel - on at least two separate occasions, referred to Redskins' back-up QB Todd Collins as "Tom Collins." I kid you not. Bring back Gumbel to Gumbel!
... Why I love technology Part 1 - this is the exact text I sent to Cooper at 8:34pm as Jason Campbell was being carted off the field - "I'm getting on a plane for washington right now and I'm going to light gumble on fire."
... Unfortunately, I wasn't able to watch another football game until Sunday afternoon, as I was taping a Sport Not-Named Football for Mrs. Sports As Life. My kingdom for a second cable box.
... Why I love technology Part 2 and 3 - Since I was unable to actually watch the early games, I was following them on NFL.com. After Marion Barber III (my fantasy running back) scored his 3rd touchdown of the game, I sent the following text message to TH, who I was playing this week - "Mar-ion Bar-ber, clap clap clapclapclap." Obviously I have too much time on my hands.
... I know you're concerned but I was able to watch the end of the Dallas/Detroit game. The Sport Not-Named Football ended just before 3 and I was able to see Detroit's inevitable collapse.
... But here's what I didn't see in the early games:

• Jacksonville, Buffalo and Green Bay predictably all won by large margins.
• Cincinnati is so bad they could barely beat a team quarterbacked by Irving Berlin... oh, wait - Brock Berlin.
• The Giants have somehow won 9 games this year - and they're 6-1 on the road. Some things I'll just never understand.
• San Diego pulled off one of the great comebacks in recent memory - it was especially great since they're not so good. Of course Tennessee has Vince Young - he's no good either. LaDanian Tomlinson is a force of nature - nice to see him back in form

... San Diego was down 7 when I left my house and somehow by the time I got to TH's house 2 minutes later to watch the Pats/Steelers game, I was informed the game was in overtime.

... As for the Pats/Steelers game itself - the result was pretty predictable, although the first half was pretty entertaining. It was nice to see Anthony "Guaranteed" Smith getting torched for two long touchdowns. I'm pretty sure that second-string safeties shouldn't be talking to the media about anything. As if the Patriots needed another excuse to pretend like they're disrespected. If I was running the Steelers, Smith would have been on the unemployment line on Monday morning.
... Phil Simms terrible, just terrible.
... Do you think the Colts stomped all over the Ravens just to show New England how easy it is to beat them? I do. I think it was a: you had trouble with them but look how badly we can beat them game.
... And people wonder why I wait until Tuesday (or Wednesday) to do the NFL review - it's so that I won't miss gems like this.
... Also Bobby Petrino has done his best Nick Saban impersonation and left the Atlanta Falcons with 2 games left in the season to coach at Arkansas.
... Also also, Cooper has just informed me that Bryant Gumbel will not be calling the Thursday game tomorrow night because he has the "flu" - a likely story.

A quick programming note: Trebor's playoff edition of Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby will be up later this afternoon. And the NFL picks will be up tomorrow.

Monday Headlines

I know everyone is caught up in the wonderful world of jurisprudence (Robert Pickton, Conrad Black, Michael Vick, Barry Bonds, and apparently the Mayor of Ottawa) but here are a few other things to read today...

Sidney Crosby Single-Handedly Cures Western Alienation

See - it was never about being over-looked by the Federal Government, people in Western Canada just wanted to see them some Sidney Crosby. And now that they have I don't think we'll be hearing any more complaints about equalization or resource revenue. No, we'll still be too lost in his dreamy gaze to think of anything else. Except maybe how inappropriate a sign has to be for it to be too inappropriate for a hockey game.

The Predators Stay in Nashville - Much to the Disappointment of People in Nashville

Evidently the Nashville Predators have finally been sold - pending a vote on the lease. I suspect people will be flocking to the Sommet Center (it'll always be the Gaylord Entertainment Center to me) to watch Radek Bonk light the lamp for years to come. What's the over/under on how long it takes before the Predators are up for sale again - 3 years? I'm shocked that people aren't trampling one another to buy tickets for a 10th place hockey team. Wait, what? Nashville is one point ahead of Calgary you say? Oh... snap...

Hockey Headlines More Difficult to Make Up Than One Might Think

To quote Jules Winnfield, "I'm trying real hard..." but this being interested in hockey thing is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I'm sticking with it but it has not been a cakewalk thus far.

In Actual News...

While I was writing this (phoning it in), Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison.

Sights & Sounds

Dela“where?” That’s right, as Luke posted Tuesday, I did win an all expenses paid trip to Delaware (a.k.a. business trip). However, I thought I would take a few minutes to write something up.

I decided to search YouTube for “Delaware” and see if I could find a couple Delaware related clips to post. However, to no surprise, I found nothing worth watching… except for this montage. This will be more entertaining if you follow the NBC series The Office, but even if you don’t… I think this is a masterful montage. Seriously, this is one of the most well edited montages I have come across. Powerful stuff. You can tell that every scene had a lot of thought put into it. The lyrics sync up with the images perfectly. I really can’t say enough about it. NBC themselves couldn’t do any better. As a testament of how well it is made, my Wife said she almost cried…which probably means she did. You can question my masculinity, but this is emotional stuff.

So, instead of a Delaware theme, here are a few songs that I think are great montage songs… in other words, here are a few slow jams. I was going to put up more montages, but all the roads led back to Jim and Pam from The Office. There must be 9000 montages of those two… and Jack and Kate from Lost. So instead, here are just the audio only videos or official videos for the songs.

Eyes – Rogue Wave
Mat Kearney – All I Need
(I just Don’t Think I’ll Ever) Get Over You – Colin Hay (I couldn’t find an audio only video or official video, so this guy’s video will have to do
Mad World – Gary Jules
In The Sun - Joseph Arthur
Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley
And of course... How To Save A Life – The Fray (no link…I think this one has played to death)
Of course there are millions more, but these are a few of the top of my head.

Now for something ridiculous. I am going to assume that you have already seen this clip of the song Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday, as the clip now has nearly 12 million views. But now there is a new version that is for promoting Dr. Pepper’s new Cherry Chocolate beverage. Wow… I mean seriously… wow. I think this is the definition of selling out. I suppose he should cash in on this as much as he can, because let’s face it, Tay won’t be releasing any gold albums in the future… this is a 15 minutes of fame sort of thing. However, you have to seriously question his integrity as an artist and person after seeing this video. It is like a low budget rap video. Most importantly though, the end of this video revolts me. Tay being doused with what is supposed to look like chocolate syrup… disgusting.

How about something even more ridiculous? Check this out. When watching this, you can almost hear the sound of women everywhere cringing. I don’t watch The View, but I have overheard some conversations on the occasions that my wife has been watching. One thing is for certain, when these women start debating anything that requires any sort of intelligence they sound like complete morons (and I am unfairly lumping them together… Joy Behar is tolerable). They should definitely avoid religion and politics all together, that is for certain. I am sure everybody remembers this other display of Mensa level intelligence from Sherri Sheperd? And of course there were the 9/11 conspiracy theories spewed out of Rosie O’Donnell’s mouth while she was on the show. Trust me when I say that I am not sexist, but after listening to these ladies, I think they should spend more time talking about baking cookies. Hey Ladies! Leave the news to the news people… I don’t like your View.

Jeff K

Note - All baking cookies-related complaints can be forwarded in writing to the following address:

Jeff K
Department of Internet Research, Cultural Oddities and Sensitivity Training
Sports As Life Towers
Regina, SK

NHL Headshot of the Week

"For the sake of the game, they oughta throw him in San Quentin.He is a criminal element! The worst goon in hockey today.Oh, yeah. Real cement-head."

- player/coach Reg Dunlop

If you can guess which team this week's featured cement-head plays for, I've got 7 shiny hobo-nickels for you. Oh sorry - the correct answer was the Philadelphia Flyers. You probably should have gotten that one.

This hit was pretty minor - but Cote was suspended 3 games and the Flyers have officially been put on notice. Clearly players like this are still necessary in the NHL. This guy sees less ice than the Sultan of Brunei, babe (read that in a Dennis Miller voice).

I Predict A Riot - Week 14 in the NFL

A couple of things before we get into the NFL today.

First of all, I read on Rod Pedersen's site this morning that George Black is no longer the CFL's Director of Officiating. I look forward to receiving snarky replies to my questions from whoever the new Director is.

Secondly, I don't know if anyone reading this reads Deadspin as regularly as I do - but I think I have to stop reading it at work. I don't think covering up my laughter by pretending I'm coughing is working anymore. They're starting to see through my charade.

Football...

Chicago @ Washington
I suspect we won't be hearing the same level of outrage from people not able to get the NFL Network as we did last week. Green Bay/Dallas good - Chicago/Washington not...as...good. I hope that Joe Gibbs tries to shed his image of not being able to manage the clock but attempting to use none of his 6 timeouts for the game. That'll really show 'em.
Winner: Washington

Carolina @ Jacksonville
Hmmm... and all along we though it was the Texans offensive line that was terrible and not David Carr eh? I suppose time makes fools of us all. If not for a wealth of devastating injuries the Texans might be in the playoff mix, while Carr is Carolina's 3rd string QB behind a rookie and a 43 year-old with a bad back. Take of the gloves and cut your hair David.
Winner: Jacksonville

NY Giants @ Philadelphia
In regards to getting a team to the Super Bowl, Eli Manning is sort of like the Titanic - he might get you most of the way there but it's not going to end well for anyone (note: I think I just made that up, but if it's a rip-off I apologize). And Philly taking a quarterback in the second round of the draft doesn't seem like such a strange decision anymore, does it?
Winner: Philadelphia

St. Louis @ Cincinnati
I wonder if Jim "Chris" Evrett played some quarterback for the Rams last weekend? Didn't both Bulger and Ferotte get hurt?
Winner: Cincinnati

Tampa Bay @ Houston
Do you realize that Tampa Bay will win 11 or 12 games? How on Earth did that happen? They're the NFL version of the Minnesota Wild - one or two skilled players give them a lead and then they'll put you to sleep with defence. I suppose being in a division with Carolina, Atlanta and New Orleans doesn't hurt either.
Winner: Tampa Bay

Miami @ Buffalo
I'll tell you what - Miami better win this game because if they don't their last three games are: Baltimore, New England and Cincinatti. I think Larry Csonka is going to spontaneously combust if the Dolphins go winless in the season the Patriots go undefeated.
Winner: Buffalo

Oakland @ Green Bay
After seeing Aaron Rodgers play in relief of Brett Favre last week and almost lead the Packers back, do you think San Francisco made the wrong choice in Alex Smith and his pre-pubescent girl hands? It was only one game I know, but Rodgers looks like he might be a worthy successor to Favre - of course learning from him for the past 3 years has probably helped a little.
Winner: Green Bay

Dallas @ Detroit
Well Detroit's in the middle of their customary collapse, aren't they? They're going to have to win out to get to that 10-win mark that Jon Kitna guaranteed before the season. And now they may have lost Roy Williams for the year. Dallas has one they can borrow.
Winner: Dallas

San Diego @ Tennessee
Instead of actually talking about this game - which I have no desire to do - I thought I'd talk about the Wonderlic. There was so much talk last year about Vince Young's Wonderlic Test score - and this is nothing, if not a topical blog - that instead of actually talking about football, I'd rather talk about standardized testing. I did a little research and the perfect score is 50 (as there are 50 questions). The average score for "regular people" is 24, the average for football players is 20. A score of 10 means you are literate... Vince Young scored a 6. But to his credit he took it again and scored a 16. And I don't want to rag on Young because he seems like a genuinely decent human being... so here are some other famous Wonderlic scores (from FootballTangent.com): Donovan McNabb - 12, Dan Marino - 16, Akili Smith - 15 (Smith's second score was a 37, and apparently it's believed he cheated). I took a bastardized version of the Wonderlic as I was looking this stuff up... I'll keep my score to myself.
Winner: San Diego

Minnesota @ San Francisco
Minnesota has scored 41 and 42 points in the past two weeks - perhaps a celebratory boat party is in order... I was following a 2008 NFL Fantasy Mock-Draft this morning - yes, I am a nerd, this year's huge, embarrassing Fantasy failure isn't even over yet and already I'm thinking about next year's failure - and Minnesota's Adrian Peterson was the #1 overall pick.
Winner: Minnesota

Arizona @ Seattle
If Arizona wins this game they're only one game back in the NFC West... there's just nothing about that statement that seems right to me.
Winner: Seattle

Cleveland @ NY Jets
Although I didn't see any highlights from the Cleveland game last weekend, I'm told they got legitimately screwed by the officials. The Jets meanwhile laid a New Jersey beating on Miami... and seconds after I wrote that sentence I came across a video with Jets' safety Kerry Rhodes and Sopranos alum Michael Imperioli. I don't really have anything to say about this game - I just thought I'd try to gloss over that fact. The Jets should probably just forfeit this game to get an extra week of preparation for the absolutely evisceration they are going to receive next week in New England.
Winner: Cleveland

Pittsburgh @ New England
This is the second-last chance for someone to beat New England this year - at least in the regular season (the Giants game in Week 17 is the other). As much as I'd love to think that Pittsburgh can slingshot Goliath - I don't see it happening. I suspect it's going to another one of those close games where New England makes the plays when they matter and Pittsburgh can't. Maybe I'll be doing laundry instead of watching that happen again.
Winner: New England

Kansas City @ Denver
Dear Kansas City,
Please tank the last 4 games of the season in hopes of improving your draft position. It's not like it's going to take much, you're not very good anyway. Nobody will even really notice I promise. You're already starting a guy at running back named Kolby and have a quarterback named Brodie - people are not expecting great things from you. I expect you to do everything possible to make sure either Jake Long or Chase Daniel is in a Chiefs jersey next year.
Thank you.
Winner: Denver

Indianapolis @ Baltimore
Indy probably should have lost last week and Baltimore probably should have won... and... and... sorry I got caught up in reading the wonder that is an internal ESPN memo.
Winner: Indianapolis

New Orleans @ Atlanta
I don't think this is quite the game that ESPN had in mind when they scheduled it. The game probably looked good on paper many months ago - two exciting, up and coming teams battling for a division title on Monday Night. But that was before Michael Vick started killing dogs (ok, it was before we found out about him killing dogs) and the Falcons disintegrated like the Hindenburg. And the Saints have been Christina Aguilera-like teases all season long.
Winner: New Orleans

Are You Ready For Some Footba... Hockey!

Hey - so they're still playing hockey eh? Who would have guessed.

The NHL season is about 30% finished and I still haven't watch one full game yet. I'm not sure what that says but I'm sure it says something. I used to love watching hockey - it was the sport I first loved as a kid. Now I've got better ways to spend 3 hours... ok, I don't - but I just don't want to spend those 3 hours watching hockey.

I'd love to say that after the All-Star Game I'll get into it. But then I'm worried I'll say as soon as the playoffs start I'll pay attention. And then the next thing you know it'll be June and I'll be complaining that there's still hockey on TV.

So I'm making an effort starting now. Although stories about the Leaf's massive 3-game winning streak and Wade Belak's first goal since the Trudeau administration are really not making this any easier.

Monday Headli..... Ahhh, Nevermind

I know it's been a couple of days - whaddya want, it's a free site.

And I must admit, I've still got nothing to say. To make matters worse the rest of the staff are away. Cooper's been on assignment in Winnipeg, Jeff K is on assignment in Delaware and Trebor is on assignment in Calgary. Luckily, they should all be filing their reports anytime now.

Wait... what?

Ok, I'm told they are not away on official Sports As Life business - they're doing actual important, real life things. And as such you're stuck with me - maybe one of these days I'll actually come up with something to write about.

So, how 'bout that local sports team?