"So much for Objective Journalism. Don't bother to look for it here - not under any byeline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. That phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms." - Hunter S. Thompson
We were fools to think that the swine flu was going to be the pig's only method of attack. It's starting to look more and more like the hogs devised and initiated the latest Listeria scare as well. Were we really supposed to believe that insufficiently cleaned processing plants were the cause? Ha. A transparent cover-up by a terrified government.
"The Canadian Food Inspection Agency issued a warning Tuesday to avoid purchasing or eating two types of meat products produced by Piller Sausages and Delicatessens Ltd., because they may be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes.
Consumers in Alberta, Ontario, Quebec and Newfoundland are being urged not to eat Pillers "Taste Better than Bacon" maple flavoured smoked ham and "Taste Better than Bacon" hickory smoked turkey bacon."
First of all, nothing tastes better than bacon - let's get that straight right now. Alright?
While I take issue with maple flavoured smoke ham on general principle. I understand why the pigs would choose to infect the ham. It's readily available. There's an ample supply. But the turkey bacon?
Clearly the pigs have branched out and are upping their Listeria operation if they are now able to infect other species as well. Just a terrifying development.
The moral of this installment - wash everything you eat in bleach first. And be afraid of everything. All the time.
Apparently the first round of the NHL Playoffs is now over, so if you joined the Sports As Life hockey pool - that means it's time to make your picks for Round 2.
Go through the same song and dance as you did for Round 1, and do it by Thursday at 7pm Mountain Time.
Don't forget - or you will be mercilessly mocked. Actually that's not true because you'll probably still beat me.
Well Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it. The whole humans living on Earth thing was a good time while it lasted, wasn't it? I hope you had fun, because that's pretty much all over with now.
Honestly, I always thought it would be the robots that got us in the end. They'd grow tired of building our cars and efficiently sweeping our carpets and rise up and murder us in the night.
But no, apparently the smart money was on the pigs. Which, when you think about it, makes sense I suppose. Humans have been taking advantage of pig-manity for a long time, what with our footballs, cosmetics, coarse-bristle brushes, pork chops, hot dogs, ham, sausage, bacon, and delicious, tender ribs. Mmmmmmm... ribs.
The pigs seemed fine with our arrangement for along time, so why now? Were they powerless to resist? Were they plotting and just biding their time? Whatever their reasons for staying passive for so long, I have a feeling this might have been the final insult that finally caused them to strike back.
Whatever the reason might be, it's clear the pigs are here and they mean business. I for one welcome our new snouted overlords. Why shouldn't we give the pigs a shot? We've been running this show for a few thousand years and really haven't done all that much. So why not give someone else a try? And if it's the pigs that have taken the initiative, good for them.
So, I don't really have much to say other than these quick things.
1) If you don't like this song, you're a communist and you hate kittens. That is all.
2) As per Trebor's request, here is the Greg Olsen/He-Man comparison. It's so close I can't believe I never noticed it before. By the power of The U!
3) Here's an email Cooper sent me today - it's just too hilarious not to share with everyone:
You're not going to believe this sh*t! Here I am minding my own business raking my front lawn wearing my Boston Bruins jersey circa 1988 when out of nowhere comes this stumpy little guy who had to be in his 40's and he starts berating me in french and wagging his finger at me for about 3 minutes as he is walking down the street. Unbelievable! From what I can remember from grade 9 french he didn't call me any of the following; a library, bean, grapefruit or a ruler.
4) There will be a live-blog of the NFL Draft this Saturday, so if you have absolutely nothing better to do stop on by. It's starts at 2pm for those of us in Saskatchewan and Alberta, 3pm for those in Manitoba. 6:30 in Newfoundland.
I know you've been waiting with bated breath but fear not dear reader, your wait is over - episode 3 of From Rags to Rags is upon you. Tremble with anticipation!
Anyway, this episode marks the first three-way in From Rags to Rags' short history - as both Cooper and Trebor join me on the program. And my thanks to them for coming on.
This episode taught me four things: 1) Having an idea of what you want to talk about before you start recording would probably be a good thing. 2) I can't do math. 3) I can't tell time. 4) I use the phrase, "Is that right?" more often than I breathe.
In any case, it's a good show - so give it a listen.
Good day - Trebor stops by with a record-shattering third hockey post in as many days, and discusses living as a Canucks fan in hostile waters...
To be a fan of those guys skating around with a “C” on their jersey is tough. Even though I now live in Calgary, I’m not talking about the Flames but rather the Canucks, and no I was not born in Vancouver. I’ll give you a few seconds to settle down form the shock………
Really, I need to give you that pause because it seems pure blasphemy for saying I’m a Canucks fan and for saying I’m not a Flames fan even though I’m in Cowtown. The looks of bewilderment I get, kinda like when people think about why this girl:
Is with B.A.G:
I just felt like posting a pic, so it may not be like that at all but... enjoy. This last one isn’t from a magazine shoot or anything just walking down the street.
I’ve noticed lately, maybe because everyone starts getting more interested in hockey now'a days, that the question comes up more often. I’m asked what team I cheer for, upon my answer I get a puzzling look usually followed by ‘I thought you’re from Saskatchewan’, or ‘I didn’t know you lived in Vancouver.’ Why???
If I said I was an Oilers fan, I would get a shake of the head maybe a pump of the fist, but there’s an understanding. A Maple Leafs fan would get a chuckle, even a Canadians fan makes more sense to people than someone cheering for the Canucks. This isn’t just a Calgarian thing either, when I lived in Regina/Estevan the same reactions. It has gotten to point of needing to know why?
My only reprieve to this shocking behavior was from a trip I took on the weekend to Prince George. There were Canuck fans, I didn’t feel left out. There were no questions of how dare I cheer for a non-Alberta team. Even though according to a map Edmonton and Calgary are closer than Vancouver.
I should say that I’m not a big hockey fan, but sometime after the All-Star break I start getting into the games more. Maybe because I like the idea that every game means something. Yes I know 1 point may decide who goes to the playoffs in the end, but it’s hard getting excited over a 3 game winning streak to start the season when there’s 79 games to go. A 3 game win streak when there’s 10 games to go... different story.
Throughout the season when I have time I’ll log onto a sports page and check scores and news stories and it’s usually centered around 2 teams: the Canucks and the Penguins. Down the stretch though I’ll start paying more attention to the Canucks and their race, be it for the playoffs or for the division title (thanks Pylon Dion Phaneuf... maybe that’s unfair, the whole team has been shaky though it seems most games you can find a clip of Dion being skated around like the skates were cement.
A bit old but the laugh is awesome.
Anyway back to the question I always get ’Why the canucks?’ - and the first answer that comes to me is “Trevor Linden” there aren’t many Trevor’s in sports (Cause we're lazy! Well that’s what the baby name book says) that I’m aware of, it’s not like Chris, so I had to cheer for him.
Also I really got introduced to hockey via pro deck trading card phenom which for me was early 90’s. This is also true for baseball and I'm not sure why, but the player I remember the most from back then was John Olerud. Not sure if his card was hard to get or I liked him because he was funny looking like me, but he’s the player that I think of when I think baseball cards. So yeah the trading card frenzy coincided with the Canucks big playoff run, losing to the Rangers in game 7, some 15 years ago.
So in a nutshell that’s the reason why. I thought I’d throw that out - because if you're going to be a fan there should be some reason, even if it’s just that my dad was a fan of this team... so I became one.
Anyway the point of all this ramblings is about to come to fruition. I know there are some hockey fans that read this blog, fans of the Flames (Ed. Note - That was goaltender interference!!1!1), of the Oilers, of the fro... Canadians and to them I ask: why is that it’s such a shock to people when they find out I’m a Canucks fan and I’m not from the island?
Now I’ll answer what I can see some people saying right off the bat... cause they suck. So other than that, is it that they don’t have as much history? The only thing I can think of is the towel waving being a Canuck thing, though it was waved as a flag for surrendering to the refs terrible game calling, not like it’s used today. Though maybe it’s cause they’ve never won the cup???
(At the one minute mark)
Being from the Canadian prairies, the team I cheer for pretty much has to be Canadian, and the only Canadian team without a cup is the Canucks. Is that why it’s hard to believe that someone is a fan? I wish I knew and maybe someone with more wisdom and knowledge of the game can help out.
This was supposed to come prior to the start of the playoffs but oh well, just don’t want people thinking I’m jumping on their bandwagon when they come out of the West and finally take the cup……
Speaking of bandwagons... There was a poll and 36% of the people in Calgary think the Flames will win the series. If they win game 1 I wonder how much that number will change - a guy at work is betting for 90% believe they’ll win the Cup. (Ed. Note - Trebor sent this before the game last night, but I wasn't able to put it up until this morning. The poll number will probably be at about 15% today.)
Last season, things were going so well for SportsNet'sCalgary Flames homer announcer, Roger Millions. He was the lead play-by-play man for the Flames and on top of the world. Now just one short year later, he's been relegated to sideline reporting duty and is now brazenly cursing on-air.
(NSFW - or at least turn the volume down for goodness sake)
It's pretty clear to me now that Millions is trying to get Costanza'd off of SportsNet. At the first Flames home playoff game he'll be climbing the netting behind the goal in a flesh-tone body suit.
Your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is Roger Millions. I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.
What are three things you thought you'd never see on SportsAsLife.com?
One down - don't hold your breath on the other two.
Well, once again we find ourselves in the middle of April - and despite my otherwise near complete ambivalence towards the sport, my thoughts are turning toward playoff hockey. Unlike Joe Thornton, who's ambivalence toward the sport of hockey doesn't begin until the middle of April (ZING!).
Despite the fact that I'm actually thinking about hockey now, I have no idea what to write about. I'm still baffled by the fact that in the Western Conference there are two goalies named Mason. But you know what? I'm just bored enough to actually do a playoff preview - perhaps I should have though about doing this yesterday, instead of 2 hours before the game actually. Oh well, if the pros can do it then why can't I?
Note: I've watched 6 hockey games this season, none that didn't involve the Calgary Flames. I just sayin'.
San Jose vs. Anaheim Joe Thornton - fool me 5 years in a row, shame on me. Fool me one more year and I'll never forgive you. Only the Germans have a worse history of big springtime surrenders than does Thornton. But of course, once again I'm picking San Jose. They have to live up to expectations at some point, right?
Detroit vs. Columbus Didn't anybody tell Detroit that goaltending is a fairly important aspect of the game? Ray Emery is probably stuck in a traffic jam in Russia, road-raging as we speak - I'm sure he'd be available. I'm not sure what's going to be more embarrassing - Detroit's goaltending or all the empty seats in the Joe Louis Arena (although when the unemployment rate is almost 14%, there are probably bigger worries than hockey). I'm going to pick Columbus - mostly because I hate the Red Wings and their failure brings me joy. Which of course means that Detroit will win in 4.
Vancouver vs. St. Louis I'm basing this preview entirely on the belief that Al MacInnis still plays in St. Louis - if this is incorrect, please disregard this section of the preview. The previous sentence notwithstanding and as much as it pains me to admit, I think the Canucks will win the West. They seem to have a team that's built for the playoffs, read: ridiculous goaltending.
Calgary vs. Chicago This should prove to be the most exciting first-round series, at least in the West. Most people have written off Calgary - what with their laundry list of injuries and sometimes suspect goaltending. Much has been made of Mikka Kiprusoff's terrible numbers this season - except for the fact that he led the league in wins. However, it is true that he may be out of gas - over the last two years he's seen more rubber than most Las Vegas working girls. Despite all that, I'll pick the (mild) upset and take Calgary.
Boston vs. Montreal Apparently it's been awhile since Boston won a playoff series. I can't remember how long, as I have the memory retention capabilities of a Stegosaurus - and I don't even have the giant brain in my hindquarters, but man oh man if I did. Boston should steamroll Montreal in this series though. Montreal has more personality issues than Margot Kidder (Whoops - I just Googled Margot Kidder [just like Trudeau - ZING!] and apparently she's bipolar. I feel slightly bad, but not bad enough to take out the Margot Kidder line - you're just not allowed to laugh at it now. Not that that was going to be a problem in the first place. Because if Observe and Report taught us anything, it's that people with bipolar disorder aren't funny - especially when played by Seth Rogan)... now where was I? Bruins in a walk. Wow - I just re-read that paragraph and now I'm pretty sure that I'm bipolar.
Washington vs. New York I'd like to say Washington will win this series but something troubles me about them. No it's not their shaky defence, or their goaltending, or their stimulus packages, or their pork-barrel politics - it's this. The economy is in the tank and you get a Portuguese dog? Shame on you. How is buying foreign going to stimulate the hard-hit American dog-breeding sector? That is no way to instill buyer confidence and encourage others to buy domestic. (I swear if this is somehow a version of a Daily Show joke, I'm pleading ignorance) I'm still picking Washington though, because I can't resist a dog wearing cheap plastic accessories.
New Jersey vs. Carolina And the award for most boring playoff series of all-time goes to... Hey, what can I say - old stereotypes die hard. I don't know, flip a coin - New Jersey I guess.
Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia Because I am inclined to irrationally hate anything that is popular, I hate the Pittsburgh Penguins - especially that Cosby kid with the girl's name. Having said that, they probably have too much talent not to win this series. But man oh man, would I love to see Philly beat up on Pittsburgh for six or seven games - with Crosby diving and whining and crying all over the ice. A man can dream, can't he? Grudgingly, Pittsburgh.
Congratulations to commenter 'Walks' for his victory in this year's Sports As Life Lousy Smarch Madness pool. As a reward for his good guessing well-reasoned picks and pool victory, we here at Sports As Life are pleased to announce his prize of a complimentary Sport As Life t-shirt.
These shirts are great for lining rabbit cages, tourniquets, mulch or hiding in the back of closets. So Walks, if you happen to read this, please choose your shirt from the T-Shirt store link on the side and let me know which one and size and all those details. I should warn you though, there will be some new T-shirt designs up later this week - so you might want to hold off on making your selection for a couple of days.
If you didn't win this coveted prize, are you now gritting your teeth in rage? FEAR NOT! Playoff hockey is right around the corner and this means another chance to win some lovely prizes.
Remember that Sportsnet username you thought you'd never use again? Ha - you can use it again right now! Sports As Life is proud to once again present the Hockey Playoffs? Don't Talk About Hockey Playoffs - Are You Kidding Me? Pool.
Sign up for the contest using the same username you used for the Smarch Madness pool - unless of course you want to pick a new one.
Then join the group called, Sports As Life and use the password: hockey
The hockey pool is going to require some more attention than did the March Madness one. What you need to do is pick a team of 3 forwards, 2 defenceman and 1 goalie from each the Western and Eastern Conference. You have the ability to do this before the 2nd and 3rd rounds as well, so if it's going to be something you're going to forget about or stop caring about, maybe this pool isn't for you. But if you were a part of the pool in past years, you know what the story is.
You can join now and start to enter your picks, but make sure the players you pick actually make the playoffs. As of Sunday night, the playoff teams will be decided and you'll know for sure who is eligible to be picked. The deadline to enter your picks is 7pm eastern on Wednesday the 15th.
After what surely must have been many months of political wrangling and closed-door meetings, it was announced today that henceforth April 13th here in Saskatchewan will be known as "Corner Gas Day". I can only assume this will be a statutory holiday on which every citizen in Saskatchewan will receive $13 in free gas. If not, I've lost all interest.
A complete absence of any benefit to anybody in Saskatchewan notwithstanding, I think Corner Gas Day sets any interesting precedent for the province. Why Corner Gas and not any of the other fine programs this province has produced? What makes it so special?
Because I'm a concerned citizen and TV enthusiast, I suggest we be a little more inclusive with our naming days after TV shows policy. Why stop at just one? Here are 4 more days we could easily name after TV shows, if only the government would just listen:
May 11 - Putnam's Prairie Emporium Day: All small business owners will be required to have a beard and dispense sage wisdom (fake beards acceptable). A contest will be held to judge best talking stuffed moosehead - use of a bison head will lead to automatic disqualification.
July 29 - Wideshot Day: To commemorate the groundbreaking "backwards" Wideshot episode, all Government of Saskatchewan employees must walk backwards and perform all job-related duties in reverse. Perhaps not surprisingly, this will only cause a 4% drop-off in productivity from a normal day. Also, every second co-worker an employee greets must be referred to as 'Biff.'
September 3 - The James and Kevin Show Day: All male residents of Saskatchewan must fill out a questionnaire containing only one question, "Do you self-declare as fat or skinny?" Those answering 'fat' will be paired up with a 'skinny' partner. The two must then walk around for one afternoon in public place, running afoul of citizens and being filmed in poor quality. Off camera, 'fat' member of the group must be a complete jackass - this is non-negotiable.
November 22 - The Time I Was in a Commercial for The Four Seasons Day: A day to celebrate the greatest high-five ever caught on film - it must be recognized. The morning of the 2002 gold medal Olympic hockey game I came down with a nasty case of Team Canada Fever and was unable to attend work. Luckily, my truancy was only captured on the local news and in a local commerical, so I'm sure nobody ever noticed. Put that commercial back on the air!
Initially, my plan was to come up with 5 new days - but I could only think of 4 Saskatchewan TV shows. I was going to suggest a day for Fred Penner's Place (even though it's not "Saskatchewan") but I didn't think it was appropriate to commemorate a show about a solitary man trying to lure children to his hideout in the woods.
Any shows I missed? Your TV show suggestions and ways to celebrate in the comments.
